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Apr. 18th, 2001 04:03 pmSo....late last night, while in bed trying to go to sleep, I felt horrible. Like my brain was overflowing from my head and I wanted to cry, but didn't want to do, but did anyway because it was leaking out of me. I had no explanation to give, nor did I feel the need to have one. But I also didn't want to just let loose -- like I felt compelled to NOT cry. Which I don't feel too often. But this morning I'm ok.
I think it was weird because I was at Melanie's. And she was cool about it, and I'm glad she was around because it definitely made it less lonely. But I might have felt like I couldn't completely let go. Or maybe I just didn't want to let go whether she was there or not. It's hard to gauge.
But today is a day of reconnections. I wrote a letter to my friend in Senegal who's there for Peace Corps. I haven't written her since before xmas. I went to the post office and bought 5 aerograms, and my goal is to write her one letter a month. I'm sure she's missing the States, even if she's doing well overseas.
And.....{{drumroll please}}.........I e-mailed Dave! Yikes! I can't believe I haven't come out to my best friend from Atlanta. I can't believe I've barely talked to him in almost 2 years! We reconnected briefly last spring, before his wedding. And then I attended his wedding last summer, when I was out to people in Chicago, but not my family, nor had I started hormones. Plus, I barely had time to talk to him because he was so busy with getting married and whatnot. We e-mailed a couple times last summer, but that's it. When I came out to the fam in November, I wanted to send a similar letter to him, but didn't have his address. Then he called me in mid-December. I never returned the call. So that was the last time any communication went in either direction. Here's the e-mail I sent him today:
Subject: from your long lost best friend
Hey Dave!
It's the artist formerly known as Amanda Johnson, back from the assumed dead. I have been thinking about you A LOT, and I'm sorry I've been out of touch for so long, but much has been changing (the more things change, the more they remain the same?).
I want to hear about how your life is going with grad school, S____ [his wife], new town, etc., and I have a lot to share with you, but I'd prefer to send it to you via mail. I know that sounds weird, but there's sort of a long
narrative, plus I thought I'd include some photos from the wedding as well as more recent ones. Unfortunately, I can't find your mailing address ANYWHERE. I fear the envelopes from your wedding invitation and thank-you note got lost in the move last fall. So, if you could do me the favor of sending me your mailing address, then I'll send you a nice long letter, and then also maybe return that phone call from last December!
Overall, I'm doing really well. Hope the same is true of you. Looking forward to talking to you soon.
Love you.
____________________
I basically signed off with no salutation. But I realized after I sent the e-mail that my "From" name says Raymond Johnson, so I'm sure that will confuse him. And I guess in some ways prepare him. Argh.
I do want to talk to him though -- I miss him a lot. I really hope he'll e-mail me tonight.....
This is also big decision week from Melanie. She's trying to choose between University of Chicago and NYU. I honestly would be ok with either choice, and although awhile back I was pulling for NYU, now I'm sort of pulling for U of C. But I won't be afraid of her going to NYU. I know that sounds weird, but right now the prospect of moving to NYC AND changing jobs AND possibly moving n together AND trying to pay exorbitantly high rent....it's scary. Cool, exciting, life-changing, interesting, dream-fulfilling, yes. And scary too. Right now the idea of moving in together in the fall, and staying with my job for a bit longer sounds better. Plus, if she went to NYU, I might not be able to move out there until fall of 2001 which would be hard. No, I don't think that our relationship wouldn't survive. I just know that we would work really hard to make it survive, and it would be expensive, between the phone bills, the flights, etc. Plus, it would delay my career change if my extra money is going towards sustaining our relationship. And that would also put strains on Melanie since she'll be trying to get adjusted to life as a first year. So there's basically just a LOT more planning involved with a move to NYC (which I'm not opposed to doing).
This is, of course, making me think a lot about my relationship with her and what I feel, what I want, what's going on, etc. etc. No grand conclusions yet. Just lots of thinking.
I think it was weird because I was at Melanie's. And she was cool about it, and I'm glad she was around because it definitely made it less lonely. But I might have felt like I couldn't completely let go. Or maybe I just didn't want to let go whether she was there or not. It's hard to gauge.
But today is a day of reconnections. I wrote a letter to my friend in Senegal who's there for Peace Corps. I haven't written her since before xmas. I went to the post office and bought 5 aerograms, and my goal is to write her one letter a month. I'm sure she's missing the States, even if she's doing well overseas.
And.....{{drumroll please}}.........I e-mailed Dave! Yikes! I can't believe I haven't come out to my best friend from Atlanta. I can't believe I've barely talked to him in almost 2 years! We reconnected briefly last spring, before his wedding. And then I attended his wedding last summer, when I was out to people in Chicago, but not my family, nor had I started hormones. Plus, I barely had time to talk to him because he was so busy with getting married and whatnot. We e-mailed a couple times last summer, but that's it. When I came out to the fam in November, I wanted to send a similar letter to him, but didn't have his address. Then he called me in mid-December. I never returned the call. So that was the last time any communication went in either direction. Here's the e-mail I sent him today:
Subject: from your long lost best friend
Hey Dave!
It's the artist formerly known as Amanda Johnson, back from the assumed dead. I have been thinking about you A LOT, and I'm sorry I've been out of touch for so long, but much has been changing (the more things change, the more they remain the same?).
I want to hear about how your life is going with grad school, S____ [his wife], new town, etc., and I have a lot to share with you, but I'd prefer to send it to you via mail. I know that sounds weird, but there's sort of a long
narrative, plus I thought I'd include some photos from the wedding as well as more recent ones. Unfortunately, I can't find your mailing address ANYWHERE. I fear the envelopes from your wedding invitation and thank-you note got lost in the move last fall. So, if you could do me the favor of sending me your mailing address, then I'll send you a nice long letter, and then also maybe return that phone call from last December!
Overall, I'm doing really well. Hope the same is true of you. Looking forward to talking to you soon.
Love you.
____________________
I basically signed off with no salutation. But I realized after I sent the e-mail that my "From" name says Raymond Johnson, so I'm sure that will confuse him. And I guess in some ways prepare him. Argh.
I do want to talk to him though -- I miss him a lot. I really hope he'll e-mail me tonight.....
This is also big decision week from Melanie. She's trying to choose between University of Chicago and NYU. I honestly would be ok with either choice, and although awhile back I was pulling for NYU, now I'm sort of pulling for U of C. But I won't be afraid of her going to NYU. I know that sounds weird, but right now the prospect of moving to NYC AND changing jobs AND possibly moving n together AND trying to pay exorbitantly high rent....it's scary. Cool, exciting, life-changing, interesting, dream-fulfilling, yes. And scary too. Right now the idea of moving in together in the fall, and staying with my job for a bit longer sounds better. Plus, if she went to NYU, I might not be able to move out there until fall of 2001 which would be hard. No, I don't think that our relationship wouldn't survive. I just know that we would work really hard to make it survive, and it would be expensive, between the phone bills, the flights, etc. Plus, it would delay my career change if my extra money is going towards sustaining our relationship. And that would also put strains on Melanie since she'll be trying to get adjusted to life as a first year. So there's basically just a LOT more planning involved with a move to NYC (which I'm not opposed to doing).
This is, of course, making me think a lot about my relationship with her and what I feel, what I want, what's going on, etc. etc. No grand conclusions yet. Just lots of thinking.
