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Apr. 17th, 2001 12:56 pmMy head it hurting from hunger, but I want to write some things down before I forget.
Returned last night from a 5 day trip to Philly and back via car with Melanie. To quote her "we had a wonderful trip!" It really did go well, with very little things happening in the way of fiasco, mishaps, etc. We didn't even fight or get terribly annoyed with each other, except for briefly on the drive back when we were having a discussion and I started going into annoying argumentative mode, then stopped suddenly because I was overthinking things....which made her think she had said something to make me mad....it was just a communication mixup that we fixed. It was sort of scary for me to suddenly just feel paralyzed and unable to talk to her. This happened the last time we had a "fight" -- I get so overwhelmed emotionally that I can't even fucntion in a normal way, so I just shut down and get scared. But once I make myself start talking agin, I'm fine. Which is what happened. So it all got resolved within the same conversation. Which is good. I like that we talk about difficult things and move on. I don't want stuff to build up.
But that was really only a minor part of the weekend. We spent a lot of time with her family, primarily her two cousins. It was fun to hang out with brother-types -- definitely something I miss. They both knew I'm trans, and were cool with it. I think I may have surprised them with how I looked, sounded, and acted, i.e. like a guy! The other folks didn't really suspect, I think. And it was weird to be the "boy" being brought home. Heterosexual privilege is strange, new thing.
One last thing on my mind, before I go to lunch. Sex. I'm obsessed with it. Well, not exactly. But I'm thinking about it a lot, specifically sex with Melanie. Like I'm spending a lot of time recreating lovemaking, and thinking about near future fucking. I think what I'm obsessing about is the feelings it's producing, and I don't mean the turned-on feelings. I mean the feelings of intimacay and closeness. Like I'm moving into a new plane. More exploration of this will probably come, and hopefully more articulation. But that's the beginning.
[
More on this topic, added Wednesday, 4/18/01]
My libido is fairly high, though not necessarily higher than pre-hormones, amazingly enough. I mean, physically there are some libido changes, in that I'm experiencing morning wood (and afternoon wood, and evening wood, etc. :P ), however I'm not pyschologically turned on more than usual, if that makes sense. But to clarify by what I mean by thinking about sex more, I'm not jacking off more or fantasizing more than usual. It's more that I'm replaying my sexual encounters with Melanie, and feeling differently about them. Like I'm more focused on how my body was feeling, and how she felt to me, and how she was reacting. I'm obsessed with how I make her body move and make her feel turned on. That's what I'm craving more. Also, when we lay down in bed together at night, I want to fuck almos every night. And not necessarily because I'm horny or whatever -- but because I'm unable to articulate my feelings with words, so I feel I want to communicate them with my body and with making her feel good. So I guess sex is becoming closer and closer linked to love, to sound cliche. I mean, they've always been linked for me, and I've also been able to express them both independent of each other. But I feel that it's expanding even more now. And perhaps it's because this is the most I've felt in my body, ever. Ever. Hands down. I love how my body is changing, and it makes me feel good and handsome and happy and beautiful and cute and strong and sexy and connected. And I'm not ashamed. Even though I still don't like certain parts (i.e. chest surgery!) and I'm impatient with other parts (more facial hair! more arm hair! less hips!), I know the changes will come with time and I already see that they've come along way in 6 months. So sex has become this celebration of me. Look at how happy I am with you touching me. Look at how I touch you with me. Look at how much trust I give you.
I don't necessarily know what to do with this new feeling. But I don't want it to end. But I'm also scared of putting TOO much into sexual feelings -- I don't want to cause problems later. I did, luckily, talk to Melanie about it some over the weekend -- I told her that sex is primarily a form of communication with her -- it's me expressing my desire as well as me wanting to show my love and how I want to make her feel good. I think it's good I told her that, so if she doesn't feel like having sex, she can validate those feelings in other ways.
Returned last night from a 5 day trip to Philly and back via car with Melanie. To quote her "we had a wonderful trip!" It really did go well, with very little things happening in the way of fiasco, mishaps, etc. We didn't even fight or get terribly annoyed with each other, except for briefly on the drive back when we were having a discussion and I started going into annoying argumentative mode, then stopped suddenly because I was overthinking things....which made her think she had said something to make me mad....it was just a communication mixup that we fixed. It was sort of scary for me to suddenly just feel paralyzed and unable to talk to her. This happened the last time we had a "fight" -- I get so overwhelmed emotionally that I can't even fucntion in a normal way, so I just shut down and get scared. But once I make myself start talking agin, I'm fine. Which is what happened. So it all got resolved within the same conversation. Which is good. I like that we talk about difficult things and move on. I don't want stuff to build up.
But that was really only a minor part of the weekend. We spent a lot of time with her family, primarily her two cousins. It was fun to hang out with brother-types -- definitely something I miss. They both knew I'm trans, and were cool with it. I think I may have surprised them with how I looked, sounded, and acted, i.e. like a guy! The other folks didn't really suspect, I think. And it was weird to be the "boy" being brought home. Heterosexual privilege is strange, new thing.
One last thing on my mind, before I go to lunch. Sex. I'm obsessed with it. Well, not exactly. But I'm thinking about it a lot, specifically sex with Melanie. Like I'm spending a lot of time recreating lovemaking, and thinking about near future fucking. I think what I'm obsessing about is the feelings it's producing, and I don't mean the turned-on feelings. I mean the feelings of intimacay and closeness. Like I'm moving into a new plane. More exploration of this will probably come, and hopefully more articulation. But that's the beginning.
[
More on this topic, added Wednesday, 4/18/01]
My libido is fairly high, though not necessarily higher than pre-hormones, amazingly enough. I mean, physically there are some libido changes, in that I'm experiencing morning wood (and afternoon wood, and evening wood, etc. :P ), however I'm not pyschologically turned on more than usual, if that makes sense. But to clarify by what I mean by thinking about sex more, I'm not jacking off more or fantasizing more than usual. It's more that I'm replaying my sexual encounters with Melanie, and feeling differently about them. Like I'm more focused on how my body was feeling, and how she felt to me, and how she was reacting. I'm obsessed with how I make her body move and make her feel turned on. That's what I'm craving more. Also, when we lay down in bed together at night, I want to fuck almos every night. And not necessarily because I'm horny or whatever -- but because I'm unable to articulate my feelings with words, so I feel I want to communicate them with my body and with making her feel good. So I guess sex is becoming closer and closer linked to love, to sound cliche. I mean, they've always been linked for me, and I've also been able to express them both independent of each other. But I feel that it's expanding even more now. And perhaps it's because this is the most I've felt in my body, ever. Ever. Hands down. I love how my body is changing, and it makes me feel good and handsome and happy and beautiful and cute and strong and sexy and connected. And I'm not ashamed. Even though I still don't like certain parts (i.e. chest surgery!) and I'm impatient with other parts (more facial hair! more arm hair! less hips!), I know the changes will come with time and I already see that they've come along way in 6 months. So sex has become this celebration of me. Look at how happy I am with you touching me. Look at how I touch you with me. Look at how much trust I give you.
I don't necessarily know what to do with this new feeling. But I don't want it to end. But I'm also scared of putting TOO much into sexual feelings -- I don't want to cause problems later. I did, luckily, talk to Melanie about it some over the weekend -- I told her that sex is primarily a form of communication with her -- it's me expressing my desire as well as me wanting to show my love and how I want to make her feel good. I think it's good I told her that, so if she doesn't feel like having sex, she can validate those feelings in other ways.
