(no subject)

I had a good weekend, spent time visiting with friends (B&S on Saturday afternoon, dinner with M&T on Sunday), but I want more time at home! I'm itching to be at my house right now. I have such a homebody complex, where I have a minimum recommended weekly allowance in my space, and I don't think it's been met. But tonight I'm going there straight after work and not leaving.

I feel like I've been neglecting a lot of friends lately, and I have a lot of guilt associated with that. I know part of the problem is that I'm spending a LOT of time with Melanie, but it's not the real issue. Because if I'm at her apartment but feeling conscientious, I'll make the phone calls. Even if I was home, I still might not pick up the phone, but I might be more likely to do so.
Part of me doesn't even feel like I'm totally there when I'm with Melanie.....which scares me, because I don't want to be acting solely on habit or expectation or whatever. I don't think it's that deep -- I think I'm just in a "by myself at home" phase that I need to act out this week. Perhaps it the Moon that I got as an outcome card last week.....

Being trans in a lesbian environment.

For those who just tuned in to the "exciting" life of the Ray-o-nator, I work 2 nights a week at the feminist bookstore here in the city. I worked their briefly full-time after graduation, but then went down to part-time once I started my 40 hour gig. I've worked in bookstores for the past 4 years, and it's a hard habit to break, plus I'm good friends with several of my co-workers and I probably wouldn't see them often if I didn't work with them. Everyone there was cool when I came out as trans, and was supportive, though not necessarily the quickest people to make the switch. To this day I still get occasional "she"'s, but it's not too bad.

The "problem" I'm encountering more is not with the staff, but with the customers. Now, before I even started hormones, I was called "sir" in the neighborhood where I live (Uptown) and where I work (the loop), probably because there was not a large population of gender variant folks. So person with short hair and no breasts is a "sir" -- I'm know lesbians get this as well. But I feel the last realm where I've yet to pass with perfection are gay places and the bookstore (which some could argue is a gay place as well). Now. On one hand, I understand that I looked remarkably like a butch lesbian. Especially since I once was one at some point. But nowadays, I'm much more of a faggy type. And I also know that because I've worked at this particular bookstore for almost 2 years, and the customers are known for being particularly loyal, they might just know me from before. HOWEVER, I still find it frustrating when I'll be standing next to a co-worker and someone will exit saying "Goodnight, and thank you ladies!" Ok, I may have been many things in my life, but I've never been a lady. Plus, this would offend me even pre-transition. And I'm offended on behalf of my co-workers. But I don't want to come off as obnoxious if I correct people, because I don't want to imply that being called ma'am is a perjorative. It's just not me. Usually, if it's a one-on-one encounter and someone calls me "ma'am", I'll say "Actually it's sir, but that's okay, I get that all the time since I work here!" And just sort of laugh it off. I don't mind having an opportunity to challenge people, but it's still frustrating at times that people assume, no matter how deep my voice or how visible my sideburns, that I must be a woman because only a woman would work in a bookstore. And I must be a really butch dyke, because only lesbians probably work in feminist bookstores anyway. I often play the fag card, too, like talk about myself in such a way to out myself as a queerboy -- like I'll be talking about some book and say "i don't think it's man-hating -- I read it and didn't feel personally offended" or I'll joke around if I"m asked to lift boxes and say their taking advantage of my testosterone. But I still always feel weird. Like I hate that I have to out myself as "male", but I don't feel like I can out myself as "trans" (because they'd still call me she), but then I hate that I have to out myself as anything. I feel like I shouldn't even care -- that I should just be secure in the knowledge that I'm a tranny guy working with all women and I like it because I"m a feminist. But it's hard not to feel completely ashamed or furstrated when I get called "ma'am" or "she", and I'm not sure what exactly to do.

[whew...that was long.]