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Long, as usual.
May. 15th, 2001 12:44 pmToday is the the 5 month mark for Melanie and me. We're going to "celebrate" by going out to dinner. I put that word in quotation marks, because we're not doing anything especially different from any other random evening. And we aren't exchanging gifts or any other Hallmark type activity. BUT, acknowledging its passing gives me an excuse and starting point to wax philosophically. And I'll take any excuse, no matter how small, as one can see from previous journal entries......
Time passing is such a curious phenomenon for me, because I'm such a person of patterns and inertia and acclimation. So five months does not seem like a long time in the chronology of things, but when I examine how quickly I have established new patterns and incorporated the relationship into my life, I feel like a LOT of time has passed. But then I worry that so much has happened in a short period of time. On one hand, it can be construed as a sign of the prodigy nature of the relationhips or a sign that it's "right" because things worked out so well so soon. But on the other hand, I fear getting burned out too soon, or moving too quickly into the realm of "married couple" and not fully playing out the getting to know each other roles. I feel that I know Melanie well and that she knows me well -- but that is scary, because I don't want to already be making assumptions about each other and miss what's actually going on in our heads and in our lives. I still want to lie in bed and talk for 3 hours a night about everything and anything. But I also like the familiarity of routine and knowledge that I don't have to talk for hours on end to establish a connection -- I know that she'll be around tomorrow to listen, and the next day and the next and so on and so forth.
As nervous as I am about the upcoming changes, I'm glad they're happening, because they'll cause a certain upheaval that will prevent getting too comfortable. At the 6 month mark, she'll be leaving for Vermont for 2 months. At the 9 month mark, we'll be returning from our road trip and establishing our new home with each other. At 12 months, we'll marvel at how much we've been through with each other in the short span of a year. And we'll probably be settling into each other a bit again, but at that point I'll be welcoming it and feel that relationship-wise it'll be well-suited, since we passed the year mark.
Where do these ideas about relationship hurdles come from? I'm constantly doing surveys of friends and family and people I don't know to find out where I fit on the graph of relationships. When did you first say I love you? When did you move in together? When did you feel like you could see a future together that lasted more than 6 months? 6 years?
I'm completely obsessed with being validated. I don't necessarily have to be average or conservative or anything. Just secure in the knowledge that I'm not royally screwing things up. But then I tend to tell myself -- quit worrying. It's all an important life lesson and no matter what happens you'll survive and be smarter and stronger and have no regrets. And that's absolutely true -- I would never regret anything I've done in regards to this relationship.
Another factor that is having a direct result on my relationship analysis is the return of the depression cycles. I'm not going through a major period right now, by any means. But I feel it's hold on me. And I'm still unsure of how to deal with this adequately in the context of a relationship. How much do I handle on my own, how much to I let Melanie be privy to, how much do I withdraw, do I share, do I break down, do I withhold.....
Hmm. Guess it's a good thing I have therapy tonight.
Time passing is such a curious phenomenon for me, because I'm such a person of patterns and inertia and acclimation. So five months does not seem like a long time in the chronology of things, but when I examine how quickly I have established new patterns and incorporated the relationship into my life, I feel like a LOT of time has passed. But then I worry that so much has happened in a short period of time. On one hand, it can be construed as a sign of the prodigy nature of the relationhips or a sign that it's "right" because things worked out so well so soon. But on the other hand, I fear getting burned out too soon, or moving too quickly into the realm of "married couple" and not fully playing out the getting to know each other roles. I feel that I know Melanie well and that she knows me well -- but that is scary, because I don't want to already be making assumptions about each other and miss what's actually going on in our heads and in our lives. I still want to lie in bed and talk for 3 hours a night about everything and anything. But I also like the familiarity of routine and knowledge that I don't have to talk for hours on end to establish a connection -- I know that she'll be around tomorrow to listen, and the next day and the next and so on and so forth.
As nervous as I am about the upcoming changes, I'm glad they're happening, because they'll cause a certain upheaval that will prevent getting too comfortable. At the 6 month mark, she'll be leaving for Vermont for 2 months. At the 9 month mark, we'll be returning from our road trip and establishing our new home with each other. At 12 months, we'll marvel at how much we've been through with each other in the short span of a year. And we'll probably be settling into each other a bit again, but at that point I'll be welcoming it and feel that relationship-wise it'll be well-suited, since we passed the year mark.
Where do these ideas about relationship hurdles come from? I'm constantly doing surveys of friends and family and people I don't know to find out where I fit on the graph of relationships. When did you first say I love you? When did you move in together? When did you feel like you could see a future together that lasted more than 6 months? 6 years?
I'm completely obsessed with being validated. I don't necessarily have to be average or conservative or anything. Just secure in the knowledge that I'm not royally screwing things up. But then I tend to tell myself -- quit worrying. It's all an important life lesson and no matter what happens you'll survive and be smarter and stronger and have no regrets. And that's absolutely true -- I would never regret anything I've done in regards to this relationship.
Another factor that is having a direct result on my relationship analysis is the return of the depression cycles. I'm not going through a major period right now, by any means. But I feel it's hold on me. And I'm still unsure of how to deal with this adequately in the context of a relationship. How much do I handle on my own, how much to I let Melanie be privy to, how much do I withdraw, do I share, do I break down, do I withhold.....
Hmm. Guess it's a good thing I have therapy tonight.
