dream/nightmare -- long post.

For those who just tuned in, I am a wicked vivid dreamer and like to analyze my own dreams (and even others, though I suck at it). So here's one from last night:


I was in a bookstore, a Borders-type place in a mall, though I think it was part of a school (like a college bookstore). I was just killing time, but not sure why and I was staying in another part of the building because I left my luggage in another room. I was in the bookstore, and I passed a magazine rack, and there were dozens of pristine copies of a particular magazine and then one beat up copy sticking out. I thought that it was my magazing that I brought into the store and put down, and then it got accidentally reshelved. So I picked up the magazine and started to leave -- I remember thinking that if it wasn't my magazine, no one would stop me anyway. I stepped through the security gates, and suddenly they went off -- they were very loud and flashy, and they door immediately locked. I turned around and saw an employee and a manager (and 30something large woman with short hair) who said "looks like we have a thief on our hands!" I hand the magazine to her and say "I'm sorry I didn't realize I still had this in my hands" and she said "no I don't think so, you're not getting away with this". She was completley over reacting, trying to hold me down, being condescending, waiting for the "police" to come and arrest me. I kept trying to talk to her and explain, but she was super snide and interrupting. I managed to convince her to let me go downstairs and get my bag so I would have it when the cops came. She did, I went and got my bag. Inside was a different magazine, called Hero, though it was a music mag. I had the receipt for it, and I was thrilled because I was going to use it as evidence that I didn't mean anything. I came back upstairs, and had to go into a room with the store manager/principal who started repeating back to me things I had said to the first manager. I explained that they weren't true, and...here's the tricky part. I knew this principal because I had graduated from the school, but the principal didn't recognize me because of my transition. So I decided to out myself, and when I gave my name and year, she remembered me and remembered I was a good student, so I won her over to my side and she believed me. Then the other manager came into the room with my mom, a security/cop, and a psychologist. My mom look scared like she was going to cry. First, I talked to the cop, explained what happened, showed my bag and the mag and the receipt and he left and said there was no evidence of wrongdoing on my part. Then I talked to the psychologist and convinced him I wasn't "crazy" and he left. So the only people left in the room were the original manager and my mom. Then the manager "became" Melanie's friend Me____ (same personality, different body -- this happens a LOT in my dreams), and she was smoking. At this time, I was no longer rattled, in fact I was feeling a little cocky and annoyed with this woman, but happy I would finally be able to shut her up. She started interrrupting my again, to explain about how she wasn't fooled and how she knows I"m a thief, but I kept interrupting HER and saying that she's being rude, unfair, and not following her own rules that she set up. I refuted her every point, and I remember using therapy-speak to shut her up ("when you interrupted me just then I felt that you're not respecting me, and I'm trying to give you respect so please do the same to me....blah blah"). She started to get really quiet and defeated, and in the middle of my talking, she suddenly averted her eyes and they glazed over. Then she took her lit cigarette and pressed it into her face, right on the bridge of her nose. She was only 2 feet away from her, and I heard her skin sizzle. My mom was screaming (which I've never actually heard before), and I jumped up, but decided not to touch the woman, because she seemed to have slipped into some other state or was having a breakdown, and I didn't want to make it worse by agitating her. So I started yelling for help, but stopped and started looking for a phone to call 911. I stepped out of the room while I was dialing, but heard my mom still screaming, and was scared the manager would hurt her. So I looked back in the room, and now the manager was Tracey Morgan (yes, from SNL) and he had lifted up his shirt and was putting cigarette burns on his stomach. I dialed the phone and then tried to think of what I should say to the operator.

Then I woke up.

Now I wasn't able to go back to sleep until I figured it out, and I think the dream was influenced by a recent viewing of Girl, Interrupted. But the jist of it was a problem-solving dream (which is sort of what my waking life is like now -- I'm in the midst of problem-solving different aspects of my life), and the whole dream was frustrating, except for when I started convincing all the people that I wasn't a shoplifter. I think when I had finally gotten down to the last 2 people, my brain suddenly changed the problem so that it would be harder to solve. I think it's interesting too that my mom was left -- I think I was planning on "dealing" with her once I got the manager out of the room. But I wasn't able to make it past the manager. But the manager had to change forms and change tactics in order to "trap" me. So I think it just represents my last "trappings" within my own mind, the way I hold myself back.

But I'm still sort of haunted by the image and the sounds.

Amazing Idea from Zebra, Zhaneel, and JDCatron

A brief history of me. Or something. (Year-by-year)


0 : Born at Bethesda Army Navy Hospital in Maryland. My claim to fame for a brief while was that I was born in a state I've never lived in -- my parents lived in Virginia and drove across the state border to the hospital.
1 : My mom moved back to Hattiesburg, Missippi with my brother and I while my Dad was stationed in Korea.
2 : My dad resumes work at the Pentagon and we move back to the DC area -- Reston, VA, to be exact. My first memory is from this year -- I remember being in the hotel before moving into the house on Kings Lake Drive. We were really high up and I was memorized with how small the cars and people down below were. I also remember the hotel had a partition between the bed my parents stayed in and the bed I slept in with my brother.
3 : Only vague memories from this year -- like waiting by the window to see my brother and/or father come home. I learned to read. I think I remember being spanked for wetting the bed (well, I know I remember it, but I think it's from this year). I also remember my mom freaking out when I had a tantrum at breakfast and she locked me in my room briefly. The incident involved a Krispey Kreme doughnut being place on the wrong side of my Cheerios bowl. One of the few times my mom lost it, so to speak, so I remember it well.
4 : I start preschool, my teacher was Mrs. Bernstein. I remember we had a class rabbit named Pampers that I got to take home one weekend.
5 : I start kindergarten at Dogwood Elementary. I'm in a special reading class with only 3 other sutdents with a teacher named Mr. K (his name was too long for us to remember). One of the kids in the reading class was named OJ, just like OJ Simpson and we thought that was really cool. Hmm. I also wrote my first book, entitled "I Know What I Like". My teacher's were Ms. Fisher and Ms. Burry. I started piano lessons with Ms. Moses. I remember watching a solar eclipse on the playground.
6 : First grade. My teacher was Ms. Bandy and I loved her a lot. We used to wrap strawberry fruit rollups on our fingers on the playground and pretend they were bloody and chase each other around. My best friends were Julie who lived down the street, Ben (who was the first person I had a sleepover with) and Allison who lived around the block. We played out the movie Popeye a lot and I owned the record. I used to beat out Ben for the role of Popeye instead of Olive Oyl, so he was stuck being Brutus.
7 : Days before this birthday we move to the Atlanta area. I'm "scarred" for a long time because I hate being uprooted and have a horrible time making friend in school. I become friends with another Ben (actually Benji). My teacher is Mrs. Lambeth, who left halfway into the schoolyear because her mother had cancer -- my first introduction to the word. Also that year, my grandfather died -- my first experience with death.
8 : Third grade with Ms. Carter. I puked in the classroom.
I'm taking piano lessons with Ms. Bohannan. I start going to Discovery class, which is for "gifted" students with Ms. Humble. Looking back, I think she was a lesbian. Not sure why. I become best friend with Ve____.
9 : Fourth grade, Mrs. Smith. I'm in love with her too, and thinking back, she's similar to Ms. Bandy. My first memory (though I'm sure not the first occurence) of hearing a racist comment from a family member. My great aunt sees a picture of my teacher and says "she's really attractive -- you almost can't tell that she's black". My mom pulls me aside and explains that she's from a different time etc. etc. I remember not getting why she would say something so weird and nonsensical, but also not exactly getting why it was racist. I finally stop cursing and questioning God why I wasn't born a boy and start to deal with being female.
10 : Fifth grade. Ms. Johnston. My first exposure to sarcasm and having a teacher who interacted with students in a peer-type way. She was funny and brilliant and she taught chess during math period. Also my first exposure to extensive health and drug education where I learned facts that I still quote to this day. I start becoming friends with the "popular" kids. I hear rumors that the girl who sat next to me in class was raped and had an abortion. I find a blurb in the paper about the incident and cut it out.
11 : Sixth grade. I'm a full-fledged "follower" of the popular crowd, but I do get invited to things. I have a cursh on Jon A. and he asks me to "go with him". I accept. I become friend with Lynn Smith, who moves to Kansas at the end of the year.
12 : Seventh grade and a switch to the scary middle school. I get picked on and "beat up" (mostly pushed around, ankled) in the hallways for the first time in my life. I start hating school more and hating myself. I start a not-so-good for me friendship with Ni____
13 : Eighth grade. I feel fat, have bad hair, glasses and braces. And I'm nerdy smart. So I'm still in a bad zone, but I start making friends with fellow nerds.
14 : Ninth grade. I spend the first quarter of school taking classes at the local science museum. I do things like capture and tag birds, use an Scanning Electron Microscope, grow bacteria, and collect organism in a river. A science geek is born. I also start making more friends and becoming more comfortable with myself, though more in a personality way. I still hate my body. Around this time I start enjoying my church youth group more, and I'm doing musicals.
15 : Started high school. I actually enjoy school more, even though people around me think it's "scary" and "dangerous". For some reason occasional fights and appearance of weapons doesn't bother me, since by this time I was familiar with most folks and didn't feel like I would be targeted. The summer after, I got to Europe for the first time with my English teacher and a group that included my 2 best friends. I turn 16 in Florence.
16 : Involved in Mock Trial. In love with my best friend Dave. Start looking at colleges that are far far away. I'm in love with tons of older women/mentors in my life.
17 : Senior year. I'm starting to feel like a real person because I have friends and I'm somewhat popular, in a nerdy way. Lynn Smith returns from Kansas and we become friends ago. She's later killed by her stepdad who then committed suicide.
18 : Start college. Go through anxiety of having to start over again, but thrilled to be living in Chicago and independent. I have more crushes on female professors and TA's. That summer, I kiss a girl for the first time.
19 : I do miserably in my classes. Then I come out as lesbian. Then I do better in classes. I come out to my mom, and she does well. I join the gay group and make dyke friends. I spend the summer working with copy machines.
20 : I become close with Shana and fall in love with her. We're together for awhile, but she's not in love with me. I become BDOC. I become more butch. Have sex for first time.
21 : Senior year. I work at Borders while going to school. I meet K___ and lose another mode fo virginity -- I actually cum for the first time. Come out to parents as gay. They don't want to talk about it. Graduate. Keep working at Borders.
22 : Move to south Evanston. Meet and become close friend with Damon. Start working at W&CF, then Lambda. Go to Utah and spend time with Jay and Sharon. Come out to self at trans. Come out to friends and K___ as trans. Start process of transition.
23 : In the middle of coming out at work and among other friends. K__ and I break up. I move into a studio. Come out to parents and brother. start hormones. Meet Melanie. Brother disowns me. Decide to move in with g.e.
24 : I can start answering this one in a month.....


I'm sure I could go back and add paragraphs to each year, but it's interesting to me what the first thing that popped in my mind was for each year.

It's Friday afternoon...

...and I suddenly have the urge to get fucked.



Where did it come from? Not sure. Oh well.

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