So...last night Alex and I had a conversation about birth names and something that happened to him that was pretty fcked up regarding that. Then today I get an e-mail from this friend of Melanie's (we've been e-mailing back and forth somewhat regularly since her departure). She was sending me a link to a website that gave detailed interpretations of what my name meant. Then at the end of the e-mail she said "you should also check out the info on ______" and listed my birth name. For some reason, it just totally caught me off guard and made me feel really uncomfortable. Now, nothing weird or malicious was meant by this, and I'm not so much upset with her or even with Melanie for telling her (I'm guessing it probably happened way back in the beginning of our relationship), but it made me think about 2 things.
1) I've noticed it's REALLY common for people who know me and then out me to friends/co-workers/family/acquaintances, for those said friends/co-workers/etc. to then ask "what was his female name?" I find it to be sort of a bizarre curiosity. Well, I mean, I'm curious aobut a lot of things, but I think it's weird that it would be one of the first things asked. What's the point? And to be honest, I find it only brings trouble. Like people become fixated on my previous identity and tend to slip on pronouns and name and such. I swear every gd and gddess that I can tell when someone knows I'm trans and I haven't told them. There is a very specific look that's given, a sort of assessment. I can feel them search for my biological female clues -- they run checklists in their head as to why I'm not a bioguy and what gives it away. Rarely is this paired with a malicious intention -- it's mostly human nature. But it still fcking bothers me and it also really hurts me feelings and makes me feel invisible -- like my words and actions aren't noticed, only my gender. It's a feeling of cutting vulnerability that chips away at my esteem and confidence. Not happy things, let me tell you.
2) When/why will I be okay and secure enough in my own sense of identity/gender that I don't mind giving out my birth name? Right now I feel like I never will, because I'm so desperately seeking validation -- I just want to be seen as I am. I don't want to have to fight and scrape up bits of proof to hold people's attention. It fucking sucks. It's painful and draining. Damon summed it up surprisingly well for a non-tranny when he asked if it was like being seen as a child when you're an adult. It's not like you want to deny or forget that you were a child, but it's not who you are now and it shouldn't be anywhere within the realm of current perception. I want to talk about "when I was female" the same way I talk about "when I was kid" -- I want to be honest and forthright, but I also don't want it to shape current behavior. I don't think I'm there. In fact, I think it will be several years before I'll be at that point. Great, several more years of having to get and hold people's attention like I"m some sort of babysitter for toddlers. I'm sorry if I sound so bitter, but as another friend said today (actually the same woman who mentioned my birth name), "a little supressed hostility is always healthy". I guess this isn't too suppressed. But I do find that having a touch of anger helps keep depression and the temptations to give up at bay.
(And another thing, I think that being trans qualifies me for a PhD in sociology. Maybe I'll send away for a degree from that school Ridley posted about....)
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