(no subject)

So Melanie got me e-mail yesterday, and we'll probably talk more this weekend, but I'm glad she was able to hear my feelings. I'm still a little nervous about talking about things, but I've gotten better. It especially helped to talk to Meg last night, who rocks my world. For those who can see my little user pic, she's actually the tiny person standing in the background behind my head. Anyway, talking to her helped me sort isht out, as far as what the real issue is. Which is basically that emotionally I'm still in the faith and trust building stage of the relationship, and I'm in the middle of packing up my apartment and moving in with her -- yesterday I delivered the check for the security deposit, so it's pretty official. And since I'm dealing with this life changing activity while also dealing with missing her and trying to stay connected, I'm extra vulnerable. So I just don't have the energy and focus to deal with her having an outside experience. AND I don't have the energy and focus to creat an outside physical experience for myself. I think i was putting pressure on myself to go out and fck around while she's away because it's the optimal time. But I just can't make it happen, not even like Mariah Carey. :P So anyway, I'm trying to just keep myself calm and focused on the real issues and not get bogged down by my own anxiety.
( I should probably cut this rant, since it might be long )

72 hours

...until I'll be in New England. Which means about 77 hours until I see Melanie.


Not that I'm counting.

swim wear

I forgot to mention that over the weekend I did find a swimming combination that will work pretty well, I think. My old binder, the black neoprene brace, topped with the tadpole, and then a thin grey shirt. I'm such a fag, because my swim shorts are black, the shirt is a gray ringer with black trim, so I match superwell. I found that wearing the smaller shirt (size M vs. size L) looks better, and even though there's obviously going to be clinging when wet (I did jump in the shower to see how I looked!), it doesn't look all stretched out with water weight. I also think wearing more fitted shirts makes me look more trim -- like wearing baggy clothes emphasizes my size. Sort of odd, but whatever works.

I also decided on what dress shirt to bring. I'm going to throw in a tie, and decided to add a sweater vest, because it just makes the whole outfit look better, even if it is summer time. It's a thin, fitted vest, not a bulky one. I'm just too high waisted to get away with a plain shirt and tie. I'm going to be quite the dapper boy at Cape Cod this weekend!

less than 73 hours left.

I managed to eat a bagel and cream cheese. Woo-hoo. I guess I won't totally waste away. And it stopped raining, which is good since I didn't have an umbrella or raincoat.

I have therapy this evening, but I don't really want to go, surprise, surprise. I'm tired of being introspective.

Tonight I'm hanging out with Mi___ & Be____. They aren't leaving for Seattle for another month, but I figure I should start trying to spend time with them now, before their schedule gets full. And I think it will be good to be out of the house. And Mi___'s a great cook, so that's a bonus. Damon is coming by too, and they will attempt to braid his fro. If that fails, they may lock it. I personally think rows would look awesome on him.

I left my bottle of calming herbs at home, so I think I'm going to go by my apartment before therapy. I also have to write a check tonight that will not clear. UGh. I hate that. Well, correction, it does clear (i.e. my therapist gets her money) but my balance will go negative, my bank will charge me 25 bucks and plus weekly fees which will apply since I won't have the moeny to make it clear until after the 30th. Ugh again. I hate money.

I'm going home in about 10 minutes since I didn't take a lunch.