thanks justaboi

from Metromadness.com

fear of femmes
By dylan
9/24/01

I used to be femme. That sounds weird, to put it that way, cuz really if I was ever femme, I'd still be femme. So I guess I should say I used to try to be femme. Because in the small towns I made home through my late teens and early twenties, if you were a queer girl and you wanted butch girls, you best get yourself into a tiny dress and big hair. And jesus god, did I want butch girls.

What I couldn't explain was how I wanted butch girls, wanted them in more complicated and messy ways than "me femme, you butch". Sure, I often wanted them to pull me tight into their arms, make me feel small and soft, tell me how good I smell, how nice my tits look in that top. But sometimes I wanted to press flat chest to flat chest, push my hard-on against hers, feel teeth tease at the back of my shorn head. Let me be feh to her butch. All the time I thought I was femme, turns out I'm just a bi-dyke faggot.

I understand the attraction of femininity; I like to look at the made-up girls. I appreciate the time it takes them to look that way, I know they do it cause it makes them feel good and slippery strong in their skin, I know they want eyes on them. I understand. But I don't wanna fuck them.

I can't fuck them. Well jesus, I can, and I have, but it was never a good idea.
So there's this girl who's had two beers and now she feels brave. And her questions about the girls I've been with get more specific, more awkward. And my stomach is turning, and I'm looking at the door. But there's this girl in-between the door and me. A girl with big tits and red lips, short skirt and impractical shoes. And this girl wants me, and doesn't everybody want to be wanted, but I don't want this girl. But she's had two beers and she's between me and the door, so when she asks "Do you think I'm attractive?", I say "yes", because she is. And she sits down on the bed next to me, and I realize she didn't really ask the question she
thinks I just answered. I wanna say, "No fair, you shoulda asked 'are you attracted to me?', and then you wouldn't be sitting on this bed, looking at me with that look on your face, waiting for me to be the dyke."

And my friend says, "If you're queer, shouldn't you just like girls?" I don't know what to say. Especially when there was that time I found a butch willing to slip into spikey heels and black eyeliner, and I took her out to show her off, my trannygirl tripping and towering above me. Trans means passing from one thing to another, right? What's the word for just passing and passing and passing?

And my friend says, "Have you ever thought about kissing me?" And then I'm pushing her panties over her ass watching her make porn star faces so I don't have to say "no". Cause doesn't everybody want to be wanted? And if I'm queer, shouldn't I just like girls, all the pretty available girls who want me? But what about the girl with the cock, what about the boy with the tits. . .I'm still queer right? I'm still allowed that desire, right?

I watch straight porn, hate the "bisexual" scenes, when the girls threaten each other's cunts with talon nails. But I think I'd like to fuck them if they'd see me as a boy with a big dick. Think I'd like to have them suck me off, think I'd like to own a girl's mouth that way. Get on your knees, turn around and bend over, don't move, take it. And part of me thinking they're whores for putting cocks in their mouths, and me liking that thought. Think the kind of thoughts (hurt her, humiliate her, force her) that make me afraid of men. Feel ashamed. Real confused.

And the butch with the studded belt tells me she likes femmes. Says it in a way that tells me I'm not what she likes.

identity

limenal is currently in the middle of her exam. Poor limenal.

I feel that 80% of the cold virus has left my body, but I still have a very nasty cough that won't leave me alone. My chest hurts.

But enough chitchat. It's time for some major revelations.

I have a horrible irrational phoba that has developed in the past year or so, and I've been trying to deal with it on my own, but without much success. So now I need to come out about it, and perhaps in the light of day, I will be struck by my own silliness and therefore able to conquer the issue.

I fear lesbians.

"What? Is he pulling our leg? That's ridiculous! I'm a lesbian and we're friends. (or, I know for a fact he has plenty of friends who are dykes!)"

This obviously has nothing to do with anyone personally. You're right -- many close friends of mine are dykes and I love them and have absolutely no problems whatsoever. In fact, it never even crosses my mind.
And yet, the feeling seems to persist in certain situations.

There are several possible reasons for my phobia (yes, yes, it's all a rich tapestry).
1. Anticipation of them rejecting me for being a "defector"
2. Fear that I actually AM a defector
3. Previous relationship with a lesbian who didn't handle my trans thing so well. Also, fear that any relationship with a queer woman would end with her "going back to being a lesbian".
4. Feeling trapped between not wanting to be a "straight man" but also not wanting to be a butch lesbian with a beard
5. Feeling rejected because I don't really fit in with lesbians anymore, and it was once a community with which I feel closely aligned
6. Fear of "selling out" by queer and feminist 'credentials' because I'm interested in cock

Now, I have logic that I combat each of these fears with.
1. No lesbian has ever actually called me or treated me as a traitor or defector. In fact, my supposed quasi-lesbian-separatist friends have been super-supportive and loving. And if someone does in the future, it is NOT representative of anyone but herself.
2. Yeah, maybe I am a defector. But that's because it wasn't a perfect fit. Can one truly defect from something you weren't completely? (I sort of feel like I was a really good dyke and did a good job, but it was only a 75% fit. Assuming I would have been a bisexual dyke...)
3. That was one person. An individual who does not speak for a whole community. And to be honest, there's always a risk in every relationship that I will be left for someone else. And it doesn't necessarily matter who I get left for -- it pretty much hurts regardless, and it's just a honest risk of being in a relationship and loving someone.
4. Just the struggle of being seen accurately. This is not lesbian-specific.
5. Some of this is just grieving that might need to happen. But part of this is romanticization and ideation -- I wasn't completely enamored with every lesbian I met, nor every aspect of the lesbian community. Just like any other group of people, or people in general.
6. Hello? How many hetero women did you teach that fucking men and being a feminist weren't mutually exclusive? How many awesome male feminists do you know? And it's still pretty subversive to be a queer transguy who loves both men and women and all their various forms of expression. I am not some mysogynistic person who hates my female body and all things female in general -- quite the opposite. I'm probably 70-80% attracted to women. And it's also pretty "feminist" to be a wussy bisexual guy.
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And yet.....feeling irrationally threatened still manages to surface occasionally.

I guess in some ways it's not different from a certain amount of defensiveness I experience around heterofolks and gay men. I guess I'm just familiar with being outsiders in those groups. I'm still not used to being an outside among lesbians. And I've only just recently managed to find other folks that aren't neat incarnations of heteros, lesbians or gay men. But we're still way outnumbered.

shout-out

Have I mentioned how much I love my dear friend stuey? And how I'm so sad that she's so far away, but I'm still a lucky bastard because I was able to give her a hug last weekend and see her for a short hour. And that I hope when she comes to Chicago again we'll see more of each other, and maybe in the dead of winter I'll take a flight down to Arizona and hang out with her in her sand castle.

That is all.