I put guacamole on my turkey sandwich. And margarine.

I filed my taxes this morning, like a good little American citizen. Of course, I'm getting a refund which is why I'm mailing it off now. Last year when I owed them a couple hundred bucks, you know I waited until April 14th to mail them. I'm also trying to deal with some insurance matters, which always makes me anxious. I hate that I occasionally just shut down when things get complicated -- for example, the idea of dealing with the insurance deductibles and my therapy seems like too much of a hassle, so I just pay out of pocket. Conceivably, I could be reimbursed (though it's not guaranteed), which would save me nearly $1000 a year.

Next year I'm planning on filing the detailed way and itemizing everything. I've already started saving all my receipts. Now I just need some sort of tax book for beginners. Part of my new year's resolution, sort of. I guess this means I should also organize that big pile of "important papers" I have stored in my TV/VCR-stand-turned-desk.

My father was always the person in charge of finances and money matters in the household, which I guess isn't a huge suprise. He was the primary income earner, so why shouldn't he file the taxes. But he of course did the majority of the bill paying and keeping up with mortgages, car payments, renting the old house in Mississippi, etc. He also financed my college education and took care of credit cards.

Yet the man can't book a decent airfare to save his life. Or find a great hotel. Or at least he didn't when I was in collegel. He always got stuck with high rates because he waited so long to book. For my graduation, he booked a hotel in Arlington Heights. I went to school at Northwestern, and although in Evanston, the campus is a 10 minute drive from the city limits. Of course all the nearby hotels were booked, because he waited so long, but why didn't he book a room in the city, a mere 20-30 minute drive away? No, he decided to go out into the suburbs and find something 20-30 MILES away.

We spent the whole weekend eating at chain theme restaurants, like Pappadeux and Bakers Square. Don't get me wrong -- I have much love for certain places like Applebee's. But considering I went to school near a city known for fabulous restaurants and cuisine, it seemed slightly ridiculous.

When my parents visited me in the summer of '98, I took them down to Lakeview and Lincoln Park to just walk around and browse. We ended up walking from the Sheridan el stop to the North and Clybourn el stop with great purpose and few stops. We arrived at the Royal George Theater approximately three hours before the play we considered seeing and we were all too exhausted and dehydrated to do anything but sit in the food court of the Whole Foods and drink over-priced juice. I learned from that trip to never rely on them to express an interest in activity -- it's better to just tell them what we're going to do. Though I still forget this lesson, since the last time I was in Atlanta for Christmas, over 50% of our outings involved Target, since that was the often only destination we could think of.

But my family has mostly been about comfort and familiarity during outings. They prefer reliable Hampton Inn for those once a year hotel stays. The fast food restaurants of choice are Arby's or Wendy's. The preferred evening entertainment is a stroll through the shopping mall. Hell, my familiy didn't start renting movies until Blockbuster had already become a mega-conglomerate. Though that might be partially due to the constant presence of HBO in our cable billing.

So even though it's been years and years since I traveled with my family, I still get a jolt of pleasure when I go 'out on a limb' and try something strange or unfamiliar without the benefit of a recommendation. It's still an adventure. That might come a little from my mother, who is much more open -- I took her for sushi when she visited, and she actually preferred the unagi and snapper over the boring cucumber or tuna.

So, yeah. I guess I do care.

Last night I acknowledged that I have about one-tenth of the relationship with my parents that I'd like to have. And my therapist pushes me some assert myself and get what I deserve (i.e. acknowledgement that I exist and that I'm a pretty good person). But I said I'm too scared that pushing will cause me to lose even that 1/10th. And then of all fcking things, I thought of that damn horoscope, about hanging onto things but needed to relinquish my grasp, and how perhaps I have to be willing to scrap the tiny unfulfilling relationship for the sake of my own sense of self-worth and self-being, but also to take the risk in possibly achieving more with them.

it never fucking ends.

I was actually thinking about posting a couple weeks ago that I was considering surrendering my battle with all people who use the word "ghetto" because I was so tired of being the lone voice of dissent, even among people I didn't expect to ever use the word. But even though I might let some people slide because I'm too tired right that moment, it will never cease to bother/annoy/aggravate/anger me.

Coincidentally enough, this appears. So click it!

Thanks for reminding me, kisha.

Oops. Kisha posted that friends-only and I didn't notice. So you can either ask her nicely if you can be her friend (which you should), or just read my comment alone, which I'm re-posting here.

I'm in total agreement with you, and the folks who've comment above. Though sadly, I have gotten worn down at times and considered giving up the fight in educating people not to say it....like it's a losing battle, because so many goddamn people are saying it.

Oh, and it's CERTAINLY not reclaiming the word, since 90% of the people who i've heard use the word are not from 'the ghetto'. and i hate it when people try and pass off their right to use it because "they were poor too" or whatever. please. if you truly understood the ghetto and it's cultural and sociological connotations, you wouldn't use the word.

here's a tip to anyone who's wondering whether they can use the word or not:

you can't.

hunting bears

I want you to know he's not coming back. Look into my eyes, I'm not coming back. So knives out.

Radiohead is so weird.
And now for more articulate random comments on recent encounters in pop culture and such.

I learned earlier this week that P.O.D. is a "Christian band", and there was a whole article about the growing sales of christian music and stuff. On a sidebar to the column, they had the top ten albums in sales. Number one was a Mannheim Steamroller christmas album. C'mon people, isn't that a bit of a stretch?

TVGuide reports that Rosie O'donnell is publishing her autobiography in April and she comes out officially. Or at least she talks about having relationships with women. Who knows if she "comes out" as any sort of identity. I'm a bit interested in how the last month of her show will be -- though it would have been helpful if Rosie had come out years ago at the height of her popularity when more moms were watching her. But whatever -- I don't fault her since I'm not depending on her to educate the world on queer issues.

We got a new logo at work. And it actually looks sort of like the Enron logo, only without the "jaunty angle", as my boss put it. Look out HRC, we're taking over the bumper sticker market for gays! Ok, probably not. But my post-it notes do look snazzy.

Oh, and my absolute favorite story of the week involves Nas's album, which apparently was reprinted without the track "Braveheart Party" feat. Mary J. Blige. One theory was that Mary requested it being pulled because of the "beef" between Jay-Z and Nas. This is a weak explanation, esp. since she appears on Jay's stuff, so if she truly wants to appear neutral, she would appear on both -- plus both Nas and Jay-Z say there's no real trouble between the two, just selling records. The second theory is that the song is getting trashed in most reviews, so in an effort to make the album more of a 5-mic classic, they're removing the weakest track. So I started brainstorming about a whole new series of albums being re-released without their lame/weak tracks. So far I only have OutKast's Aquemini -- sans "Mamacita". But this might become a new favorite game of mine.

I'm just full of fun facts.

Alex's comment reminded me of my favorite story encapsulating Vanilla Ice lameness.

The phrase in it's original and accurate form was "word to the mother." As in, word to the motherland. As in, Africa. This sprung up in hip-hop circles, particularly those who were revisiting aspects of Garveyisms. Then Vanilla Ice came along with his emulating self and started saying "word to your mother". I'm not sure if he knew the original meaning and actually recognized that it's not his motherland, or if ole boy just fcked up bad.

Beware, beware.