my new grandma Bea Arthur.

This morning's journal entry is brought to you by astrocenter.com, who's 'kind' enough to send me a weekly horoscope every Monday.

Dear Raymond, here is your Weekly Horoscope for Jan 28 to Feb 03, 2002 (sentences in bold are the actual horoscope)

Change is inviting itself into your life in all kinds of ways, and right now you seem fairly powerless to stop the steady march of progress.

This morning I had quasi-lucid dreams about people inviting themselves into our home while we were trying to sleep. One person was a dear friend, the other a friendly acquaintance who irrritates the hell out of me sometimes. Combined, they seem to personify change for me. Part of me feels desperate of have change involved and don't mind if it dominates me.

Even if there was anything that you did want to hang onto, you may find that you have to relinquish your grasp on it in order to make way for all that is now trying to enter your life.

I have felt a bit compelled to let go of everything and then just rebuild. So not let go of certain things permanently (like job, friends, partner, etc.), but just sort of burn my current attitude towards them and rebuild a new place in my structuring.


It is a powerful time indeed, and one in which you are actively creating the paths and patterns of future events, through your attitude and approach to all that crosses your path.

Yeah, I know. That's why I'm so freaked out and anxious about money, studying, finding gigs, finding internships, buying equipment, etc. etc. etc.

With so much activity in your house of transformation you are carefully considering how each aspect of life serves you.

Yeah, see above.

Mercury is currently in retrograde motion, and this is also causing you to think very deeply about what you really want.

Mercury retrograde is a weird time for me. Considering I wasn't born during Mercury retrograde, I respond really well to this time, and actually end up doing well at communication. Yesterday alone I contacted 5 people I've been meaning to write. And I will hopefully make plans to hang out with 3 of them in the next week or so.
But also, I have been doing some serious doubting lately, about whether I'm making the right decisions regarding most everything in my life.

With Venus sextile Pluto, you may also be considering the implications of certain relationships and how far you wish to take them.

Interesting, since marriage has been surrounding my conversations, experiences, and thoughts a lot lately. And I've come to realize that I'm far from ready to be that unselfish right now in my life. Which doesn't mean I'm in capable of being in a relationship -- not at all. It just means I don't want to bite off more than I can chew.

There may be some work to do in talking over issues with loved ones and opening your hearts more deeply to each other's presence.

I did have some trouble this morning being honest about something small because I didn't want to hurt her feelings (which probably happened anyway). I probably have similar issues with being honest about big things, too.

As the Moon squares Mercury at the end of the week, you may find that you are being very much affected by your emotions when it comes to trying to make a clear-cut decision.

So should I go with the obvious clear-cut answer, or should I just put it off a few days until I'm not clouded by any emotions? What kind of warning is this? I'm always over-emotional.

Here's the horoscope I'm giving myself:
Cancer, now is not the time to be fcuking around and falling into the same traps you always do. Get yourself out of bed before it's too late and you'll thank yourself later. Isn't that how it always works when you do something miraculous? You can hardly believe it yourself. Don't be afraid of your own judgment calls -- you're not a moron.

( p.s. )

how very buddhist of you, Cary.

He's not exactly Mr. Blue, but then again Salon.com isn't exactly the Salon I used to like. Now I just glance at the AP wires and read the gossip column or book review. But this caught my eye.

Is this all there is?
By Cary Tennis

Jan. 29, 2002 | Dear Cary,

I'm 28 years old and I've been dating a 27-year-old woman now for almost a year. I'm in love with this woman and she's in love with me. We have fun together, we laugh, we spend lots of time together. Everything seems great. The only problem is I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with her.

We're just too different in so many important ways, and I don't feel the deep emotional connection with her that I know I should be feeling because I've felt it before with other people. So here's my dilemma: How do you break things off with someone when there isn't anything overtly wrong? We never argue, we have fun, we have great sex, but I really don't see us having a future.

FYI: this problem came into full relief after I met someone recently who sort of made me remember that there are people out there who I would be more compatible with. Nothing happened or will happen with this person, but it was an important realization for me.

Wanting Too Much?

Dear Wanting Too Much,

When the future arrives, it often seems just like the present, only a little later. So she might fit just fine into your life in the future, because it will seem so much like the present. But of course that future will also have its future, and you might be afraid that when the future of that future comes, she will not fit into it well at all. And yet when it comes, she fits in fine, because it's so much like the present. And so it goes.

So why not give the present a try? It is new, it has just arrived and it is relatively inexpensive. It is available for your inspection at any time.

You say, "I really don't see us having a future." I love that. Of course you don't see yourselves having a future because you're busy having a present. You know that silly thing they say in recovery places: How do you know that the moment is a gift? Because it's the present!

But really, to live a carefree and happy life it is necessary to rigorously interrogate your own assumptions about reality; then you may see that this "future" you want to be practical and realistic about is nothing but a linguistic mirage caused by the shimmer of words in the heat of worry.

But then, after all that rigorous interrogation of your assumptions, if you really have to break up with her, you don't need a good reason. Just say the relationship is too damned good and you can't stand it so you're breaking up with her because you love her and everything is fine. That'll show her.

{/salon article}

Soon I will be finally mailing Ridley's mixtapes off in the mail, and then meeting a certain handsome gay boy rockstar for lunch. I will give him an extra hug for you.

And apparently I have no money. Or won't after all these checks clear. Or at least until the 15th of February. But if something happens and I have to bounce a check (which luckily always gets cleared and I just take it up with a fee from the bank), it won't break me and it's the first time I've done it in almost 5 months and will hopefully be the last for awhile. Maybe my fiscal responsibility is the change my horoscope was talking about. I must readjust my current good habits to permenantly adjust some longterm better habits.