My tears will burn the pillow, set this place on fire cause I'm tired of your lies.

So I decided to e-mail my therapist and re-schedule my appointment for next week, so I can go home tonight. I also decided to just be honest about why I'm rescheduling. She replied, "Generally I do not make exceptions due to being stressed out by the reasons you are giving here. However I am willing to make an exception in this occasion and for you." Then she went on to say that in the future, I will be charged for appointments not rescheduled for the same week. For some reason this whole interaction bothers me, even though I know she's trying to be nice. I guess because I've been seeing her for nearly two years and I've cancelled and rescheduled with no mention of being charged (of course, this might be the exact reason why she's mentioning it now -- I've had enough "by"'s in the past, now it's time to own up). And secondly, I thought it would be better for me to be honest -- in my e-mail, I didn't say "I'm definitely not coming in tonight, when can I come in next week?". I said "would it be possible for me to not come tonight and instead come in next week?" And if she had been booked, I would've come in tonight and not pushed the issue.

In the future, fck honesty, I'm just going to say I'm sick.

But then again, it's fairly typical policy in the therapy world that any last minute cancellations will get charged (unless it's due to illness or accidents or whatever). So I guess I should just be lucky she's been flexible so far. But I write in livejournal when I'm feeling pissy and immature, not to brag about my expansive knowledge of wisdom and balance. For some reason I also just thought of the scene in Monster's Ball when he hires the prostitute, but then decides not to have sex with her at the last moment (after paying and taking off clothes and whatnot). She says "another time then", and he says "you can just keep the money", and she answers, "oh, I know."

Last night's event was perfectly pleasant with nothing terribly exciting to share. I had a fab time with DJ Pussy Galore, though DJ collaborating is a little awkward. I think we did fine though, and hopefully I wasn't too pushy or domineering. I don't think I was.

This morning I arrived at work before 9 am -- a minor miracle for me. I'm confused about what day it is, because I dreamt about work last night, including having a pre-conversation with my boss about what my review would say. I hope my dream was psychic, because even though in the dream she sort of spoke in the tone of being reprimanding, she said positive things about my work and said I was getting a raise, and it was bigger then last years. Though to be honest, if I just get the same as last year I'll be happy.

Oh, and my doctor appointment yesterday went ok. I got a 200 mg shot. Sort of a booster shot, which obviously won't work exactly the same as a booster shot in a bioguy, because of that lack of prostate and whatnot. But basically we're going to try half dose on shots, half dose on gel. He actually did the shot, instead of the nurse Millie who I'm used to. I was teasing him about whether he knew what he was doing, and he sort of scoffed at me, saying of course he did. But then told me it had been about 2 years since he'd given one! Way to make me nervous right before you stick a huge needle in my ass. He also was very awkward in the execution -- it didn't hurt, but he made me stand and put my hands on the table (like I was being frisked by the cops), where Millie can do it while I'm sitting. Also, he was all slow on putting pressure and getting a band-aid, so I'm standing there with my ass in the air, bleeding slightly, and then my man realized "oh, I should be wearing gloves for this....". He's so weird. He's an old-school family doctor type. Not exactly my first choice in personality when it comes to health professionals, but at least something I'm used to.

Anyway, I never had major slumps between shots when I did them every two weeks before, so hopefully I won't have any problems every four weeks, since I have the daily gel. Though as I told the doc yesterday, the mood swings from testosterone are much more preferable to mood swings from estrogen.

I got this feeling somebody's watching me.

There was a brief period not that long ago that I entertained the notion of working as a bondsman. Also known as a bounty hunter. I think I did a little bit of research and discovered there's no official certification or licensing process. I liked the idea of not attending grad school in order to become a "professional" of some sort.

Bounty hunting is such the job of 80's nighttime dramas. So is private investigating. I grew up on a steady diet of Cagney and Lacey, with large doses of Perry Mason, Murder She Wrote and Matlock. Sure I watched such known shows as Remington Steele and Magnum P.I., but I actually preferred Spenser For Hire and The Equalizer.

Nowadays being an investigator is so much easier because of the Internet. As well as having access to Lexis-Nexis and Westlaw. Not quite as much of an art form. Yet, there are still some beautiful moments of revelation to be had -- sometimes when not trying.

One of my job responsibilities is upkeep of our offices attorney listings. I got an e-mail this morning from a co-worker asking me to find recent contact info for an attorney in Michigan. The phone number wasn't working, so I did a quick google search to find a newer phone number or an e-mail address. I found the latter and sent a note. It got returned. I went back to my Google search results and discovered that the attorney is also a dojo and had many listings on martial art websites. One site I skimmed over the first time because it was a resume for someone with the same first name. This time I clicked on it. Based on the info, I was able to construct a brief narrative -- she closed her private practice in 2001 and switched jobs completely, doing freelance work -- legal and technical writing for websites. She got married and moved across the state.

I also learned that before opening her own practice, she was a lawyer in Japan. I even went back to Google and found some posting she made to bulletin board for solo practitioners. In approximately 8 minutes, I was able to construct a narrative for this women because I found 6 websites.

I wonder what conclusions people would draw about me if they did a similar search. Obviously my journal is fairly revealing. But I'm not sure how much of the rest of me is floating out there.

And now I want to be a private investigator. Fck music production.

he said we'd make a good team

I forgot to mention in previous posts today, happy birthday myloveisrobotic! Too bad I'm not closer to Vassar to help you celebrate.

A successful evening trip to my favorite place -- the grocery store. Now I'm avoiding washing dishes or anything else productive. Though I'm afraid if I'm too immobile, I'll fall asleep.

The Seattle trip is cancelled. Or never really made it off the ground. Basically due to my stupidity or a mixup or whatever. I thought the tickets were 7-day advance, they were 21-day. I made the mistake of actually getting vacation time approved before booking a ticket, and I missed the window. So now I have some vacation days. And a ticket that needs to be used in March, but I can't take any time off because all my co-workers have put in for their time off. I'm thinking I'll just take a weekend trip to Louisville and see my friend Amanda. I'm also tempted to just fly to New Orleans and spend an evening there. Fly out on Friday after work, come back early Sunday.

So the end result is I only have to work Tuesday through Thursday of next week. Who knows what exactly I'll do with a four-day weekend. But I'm sure it shally be filled with lazy goodness. I think I need some low-key time off. Looking back on journal entries I can see a sort-of low grade anxiety developing.

I guess one option with the flight voucher is going to Atlanta and seeing my parents for a short weekend. How likely is that to happen?? It's unclear.