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git up git out and do something
Feb. 21st, 2002 10:24 amI've never wanted to be someone who said things like "my therapist said I should....", unless it was in the context of "my therapist said I should do ___ and I said they should shove ____ up their ass". Though I've always secretly aspired to have someone say to me "my therapist said I should never talk to you again". I love that phrase/concept. Any play or story or screenplay I write would probably find a way to incorporate that into the dialogue.
Anyway, the reason I hate thinking or saying that is because I hate how it denies agency for the client and I don't like the idea of blindly following someone's advice just because they have some sort of psychology or psychiatry degree and I pay them for their services. But sometimes it's tempting to say it. Like right now.
My therapist said I shouldn't talk to my parents anymore.
Ok, not really. But she did threaten to write them a letter because she finds them so inufriating. And we did talk about the amount of emotional stress they cause me but I don't even realize. And I take it out in other ways, like being tired and depressed and wanting to stay home. Like falling off my regiment and not studying or working on my music. Or getting disorganized about money and falling behind on bills. I talked about how they only e-mail me once a month, and very rarely does it ever address anything I send them. But how every morning I check my special "family e-mail account" and wait for a possible notification saying I have mail and it almost never happens. So I basically start the day emotionally crushed, even if it's completely subconscious. The new plan is only check that e-mail account once a week, and if I don't get an e-mail I won't necessarily write back. I'm expending too much energy on them and on the patterns I have with them and losing valuable creative energy.
My therapist talked a lot about my potential and how I"m not living up to it, but that I'm also not even aspiring to live up to it. She encouraged me to look up more. Well, she sorta yelled it. But in the same way I yell when I'm excited. She made me so mad in the session yesterday, but I'm actually able to be mad at her, and it's okay. Which I'm not used to. So, she managed to inspire me and give me some things to think about, and I'm going to work on being bolder and making things happen. I have been a conjurer before, and I want to work on being one more often.
I feel a little lame that part of my plan is to have some concrete accomplishments to show off to her in two weeks when I go back. I feel silly that I want her to be proud of me. It seems so obvious that I'm looking to her for the recognition I never got from my family. And I want to do things for myself, not for someone else. But I figure I might as well start off doing things to make my therapist proud (rather than my parents), because at least she'll reinforce me. And then I can make the leap to doing things to make myself proud.
Strangely enough, this post has been one of the most confessing and revealing things I've ever written. I can talk about other forms of intimacy easily, but it's hardest for me to admit that I need someone's help (in this case my therapist) and even harder to confess that I like it and that it's benefitting me. It doesn't fit into the completely independent image I have of myself. But right now I'm not living up to that image. I'm leaking. I need to re-group and re-focus my emotional energy.
Today at work I'm actually sort of excited to get things done. I'm sure it's helpful that I have tomorrow off. But I also feel pretty renewed and inspired. My goal is to maintain this for two weeks.
Anyway, the reason I hate thinking or saying that is because I hate how it denies agency for the client and I don't like the idea of blindly following someone's advice just because they have some sort of psychology or psychiatry degree and I pay them for their services. But sometimes it's tempting to say it. Like right now.
My therapist said I shouldn't talk to my parents anymore.
Ok, not really. But she did threaten to write them a letter because she finds them so inufriating. And we did talk about the amount of emotional stress they cause me but I don't even realize. And I take it out in other ways, like being tired and depressed and wanting to stay home. Like falling off my regiment and not studying or working on my music. Or getting disorganized about money and falling behind on bills. I talked about how they only e-mail me once a month, and very rarely does it ever address anything I send them. But how every morning I check my special "family e-mail account" and wait for a possible notification saying I have mail and it almost never happens. So I basically start the day emotionally crushed, even if it's completely subconscious. The new plan is only check that e-mail account once a week, and if I don't get an e-mail I won't necessarily write back. I'm expending too much energy on them and on the patterns I have with them and losing valuable creative energy.
My therapist talked a lot about my potential and how I"m not living up to it, but that I'm also not even aspiring to live up to it. She encouraged me to look up more. Well, she sorta yelled it. But in the same way I yell when I'm excited. She made me so mad in the session yesterday, but I'm actually able to be mad at her, and it's okay. Which I'm not used to. So, she managed to inspire me and give me some things to think about, and I'm going to work on being bolder and making things happen. I have been a conjurer before, and I want to work on being one more often.
I feel a little lame that part of my plan is to have some concrete accomplishments to show off to her in two weeks when I go back. I feel silly that I want her to be proud of me. It seems so obvious that I'm looking to her for the recognition I never got from my family. And I want to do things for myself, not for someone else. But I figure I might as well start off doing things to make my therapist proud (rather than my parents), because at least she'll reinforce me. And then I can make the leap to doing things to make myself proud.
Strangely enough, this post has been one of the most confessing and revealing things I've ever written. I can talk about other forms of intimacy easily, but it's hardest for me to admit that I need someone's help (in this case my therapist) and even harder to confess that I like it and that it's benefitting me. It doesn't fit into the completely independent image I have of myself. But right now I'm not living up to that image. I'm leaking. I need to re-group and re-focus my emotional energy.
Today at work I'm actually sort of excited to get things done. I'm sure it's helpful that I have tomorrow off. But I also feel pretty renewed and inspired. My goal is to maintain this for two weeks.
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