you don't have to call, it's okay girl.

Today I'm supposed to approach my "to-do" list as if I'm on a safari, because I'm craving adventures and explorations, but the real world is calling. According to my horoscope, at least. So far, it's been a little slow. I feel sorta hungover today, which is bizarre considering I didn't drink last night. Not even nyquil. Or Wal-quil, or whatever the store brand is called.

That song yesterday is by Cosy Sheridan. An artist from my folk radio days.

Is it weird that when I recall memories from a certain era, I get a specific taste in my mouth? Not something I can name -- I don't start tasting sweet and sour pork or something specific like that. It's more that I have such clarity of sensory recall that I can relive what the air smelled and tasted like in the apartment and neighborhood and classrooms.

I just realized that my increasing clarity of memories is directly proportional to my increasing recollection of dreams. So the more my brain gets exercised in it's dream state, the easier it is for me to access storage facilities from years and years ago. Including smells, tastes, and even my emotional state. It's almost overwhelming at times -- and tempting to stay in for long periods, but for the most part I don't want to dwell to long in any state of nostalgia or remembrance. I have to tell myself it's okay to keep moving forward.

Ok, that's not what I actually meant to write about in this entry. What I've also been thinking about is how much news in the past few days has read like movie scripts, and how I'm feeling haunted by images in ways I don't usually let "the news" get to me. Everything from the singer from Soul II Soul getting killed by car when trying to escape being arrest, to the man in Santa Barbara who was killed by being set on fire, to the recent suicide of a Sept. 11th survivor (he escaped the tower, but his partner didn't -- he saw him get killed instantly by a piece of falling debris). It's not even the typical "that's so awful" thinking or even "life is so short" attempts to make myself feel better about such gruesome events. Instead I just keep thinking about these people lives, and all the mundane details and all the various connections and what led to certain decisions and what will now follow.

News reports only barely cover what led to events, and for obvious reasons can't reveal what will happen afterwards. So I find myself cosntructing these loose stories -- not really for my own entertainment or even to creat some sort of resolution, but just to take the step back and in an instant, see everything. Then I can turn on myself and just see myself. Hopefully without judgement, and with an objective sense of what to do next -- not because it right or correct, but because I can.

I'm starting to outthink/overthink myself here. Time to climb in the jeep with Hemingway and go after my piles of paper.

computer anxiety

I'm suffering from that phenomenon sometimes know as internet addiction or withdrawal or anxiety or whatever. I'm not even being facetious -- I've been on the computer so long, and I'm resistant to look away from my e-mail and such for too long, yet I'm not getting anything productive done. Even the work-related material I should be doing on the computer isn't getting done well or correctly. I'm thinking about just shutting my computer down and going into the copy room, away from my desk, away from the monitor.

It's that weird feeling of needing to relax, but also needing to be active. Sort of like when I'm too tired to fall asleep -- I'm too jumpy to complete tasks.

This often comes about when numerous sites I'm working on are having server problems. Westlaw has nearly induced aneurysms, as has Livejournal. Who am I? I don't want to be this way. So goodbye. At least for an hour. Maybe I'll feel better then.

I got h**s with accents, and I don't mean Hyundai.

So I think I managed my computer anxiety okay, and finally got a couple things done. However I'm dreading tomorrow since tomorrow is help desk day. And we're backlogged. And I still haven't written my self-review. Ugh. But it's not tomorow yet, is it?

I applied for a "Platinum Members" card from Musician'sFriend.com so I could get on a payment plan to buy an Akai. Those mthafckers instantly approved my ass, but I got a small limit. What? They didn't tell there was a limit. If I had know that, I'd have lied about my income...even more. So the limit isn't quite enough to buy what I want (Akai MPC), but it's pretty damn close. However, I will wait a little while longer to buy it -- I still have that stupid Old Navy card I need to pay off then cancel (once they send me the damned statement), plus I want to wittle down my other credit cards before I go charging up a storm. I don't want my credit report to read like my typical grocery store receipt. As far as length. Obviously the content would be different.

I'm determined to save 50 dollars a month on food alone. I will do this be eating out less -- for lunch and dinner. I will also do this by making even more thrifty purchases at the store. This will probably result in me eating less and more healthy, which will have a bonus effect of me losing a bit of weight and feeling more energetic, which will also cut out any expense I was thinking of incurring by joining a gym. Isn't that a little bit like taking up a pack-a-day smoking habt, so I can quit to save money? Maybe.

The point is, I'm attempting to refuse to let money rule me. Stand back, money!