Maybe he was just trying to make conversation.

Well, this is a change of pace. I keep trying to update but then I interrupt myself to do work. Seriously. So the good news is I'm getting stuff done. I also had a good conversation Friend Coworker where I think I adequately expressed my concerns regarding giving her computer projects, but in an encouraging way so it was less of a criticism session and more of a pep talk. Which is what I wanted. But I don't have experience in that department, so often I just sort of tell someone "um you're doing that wrong" rather then "hey, let's talk about a way to fix this". Plus, we talked about me giving her some of my backlog projects, so I can be more on top of things. And being more on top of things makes for two things: happier work experience, and more importantly, progress towards leaving this job.

Last night I hung out with Damon before he left for the weekend -- he's going to a family funeral that will be pretty stressful since it involves family he hasn't seen a several years. There's a lot going on around and near me, as far as friends having troubles -- LJ and non-LJ folk. I'm not sure if I notice it more now since I'm not feeling unusually up, or if it's just strange timing.

Today on the way to work I played a game with myself while listening to my walkman -- I would focus on one piece of the music, and then theoretically explain to myself how it was made. I was not doing this intentionally -- I was just being a geek because it was fun. I felt most proud while listening to Cat Power's American Flag because of the level of detail I was able to ascertain. Headphones rock -- they pick up on all the nuances so much better.

Last night before leaving work I printed out the 200 page manual for my new toy. Today I punched holes and put it in a binder. It's the little things.

Damn, sometimes it really is. Little things can make me feel powerful and confident and happy, and other times little things can push into the depths of anxiety and frustration and sadness. That doesn't seem right sometimes, moments when I"m convinced everything has a chemical base because it's so irrational. Other times it seems perfectly normal and human. That we take on too much to logically process the big, real, life-changing moments, so we end up expressing such big emotions regarding such tiny insignificant experiences.

( my dream last night )

I'm the fag model for Karl Kani Esco ads.

Alright, so maybe my afternoon was not as obnoxiously productive as I intended, but it certainly wasn't a loss. Though I still haven't written that self-review. Somehow I feel it's something that must be done in the privacy of home. Even though it's work-related. Whatever.

Yesterday I had a cigarette for the first time in a few weeks. No particular reason for stopping. No particular reason for lighting up while walking to McDonald's for shamrock shakes for the office in the middle of the afternoon. I'm craving another one now. Or maybe jonesing is a better word, since craving implies a level of addiction I've yet to achieve. With cigarettes, anyway. Even during periods where I was smoking more consistently, it was always remarkably easy for me to stop or slow down. I always felt embarassed by my lack of commitment to the cause, though in reality, I'm pretty fcking lucky that I can take or leave them, without any sort of extreme struggle. It's also why I feel no compulsion to intentionally give them up. I still maintain that they aren't very dangerous when smoked in quantities of less than half a pack a day. All tobacco health studies are on patients who smoke at least a pack a day. (Though nowadays, when do people find time to smoke that often?) They have no research on the effects of infrequent smokers or casual smokers. Literally almost none. And sure, it's obviously not the most beneficial activity, but neither is living in cities and inhaling pollution all day, or consuming large quantities of caffeine, or eating lots of meat, or whatever other activites that 90% of americans do. I just pick my battles more deliberately than most.

It's 5:01 pm. I'm officially released of duty as the legal assistant at ______ _______, formerly called _______ _______ _______. But after revamping the logo and going through "branding", it's been shortened. It's all very hilarious, but I will refrain from commenting on it here. I'm not even against the whole marketing re-vamped changes. I just think how it's being present and all my co-workers reactions are quite funny, especially the Terminally Cynical/Negative ones. I used to be Terminally Cynical. But for some reason I just stopped. It didn't take.

Like nicotine addiction.