the man who wasn't there.

In Which Raymond writes several short updates on minor and major matters.

It would appear that I've not wasted loads of time online since there are very few posts. But you'd be wrong.

Last night I had some initial breakthroughs with the mpc and really got my hands dirty. Or my beats dirty. Whichever. I'm hoping to get some good ones saved, and then add them to my future-webpage as some nice little wave samples. Though I should probably build the website first. One step at a time.

Damon came over and fooled around with the machine some, which was cool, though there were definitely moments when I wanted to just stay hunched over and get absorbed in my work while ignoring he was there. But that would be pretty boring to watch, so I let him have a couple turns on the drum pads. A good sign, I suppose, this eagerness. And probably better to temper it, so I didn't expend it all in a 12 hour session and then walk away for several weeks.

I think my boss is working on my review right now. That makes me nervous.

The night before MelRo left, I discovered something about myself. Apparantly I do have problems with intimacy. For some reason, I've been walking around in the world for past several years thinking I was one of the few folks I know who didn't -- instead I was just having delusions of adequacy. And it's not so much that I have "problems with intimacy" as its having problems discussing the difficulties with intimacy and what ways I want and need to be pushed and expand. I don't really have any insights regarding this right now. But I thought I should maybe right it down as proof to myself as a later date, so I don't just trick my mind into believing it was some anomaly and I'm back to being adequate.

I hate that I have so little real experience, knowledge, or example for real-life relationships. Everything is built on songs and movies and TV shows. Sometimes books. Books often get closer to the real-thing, but unfortunately most the books I've read detailed fcked up relationships. So perhaps I at least have some starting points for what I don't want -- but I knew that already. I think.

I think I'm pretty smart about what relationship "is" or could be. And what it shouldn't be. But what I'm discovering I lack is the ability to know exactly what I want it to be. And ways of going about making it. I'm not totally fumbling around in the dark -- I think I've done okay for myself so far, and right now I think I'm in an excellent place. To start. Something. I don't know what.

I'm in no rush. I don't feel compelled to figure out in the next week what I want in the next year. I just want to figure out what I want in the present and stop living so much in the possibility of the futures.

I guess just because I don't cling to movies like Pretty Woman or Sleepless in Seattle for my image of the ideal doesn't mean I'm don't have hopelessly romantic notions about whatever other dark realistic images I prefer. Hubert Selby is probably a bad model to have in that department....

(no subject)

[Poll #23049]

all I need is one mic.

ATTENTION the_passives: I mailed a package to you today. It should arrive either Saturday or Monday. So make sure you harass your friends into giving it to you.

I had a humorous time waiting at both the post office and the United ticket office. I was in the perfect mood for people-watching and eavesdropping, so I just sat back and enjoyed the show. People are so weird/stupid. And I apparantly have the type of face or demeanor so that people will share with me the stupid exploits of other patrons. The postal worker spend the entire time cracking on the customer before me who apparantly complained about the volume level of the television (located next to the line, usually set to soap operas for entertaiment purposes). My favorite lines were: "that's why she needs a book, because then she'd be paying attention to her book and not the TV" and "She should go ahead and fill out a customer card and complain all she wants -- I don't care." The United office featured an annoying customer who was impatient with her 25 minute wait, and spent the time on her cellphone trying to rectify some transaction and get her money back. My favorite line from her phonecall was, "I called once and got put on hold for 21 minutes, then I was disconnected. I called again and got put on hold for 16 minutes and got disconnected. I'm not calling again." Granted, if those things happened to me I'd be irritated too, but why she gotta say 21 and 16? Why not 20 and 15? I think it was extra funny, because unlike typical cell phone users, she wasn't talking loud -- she was talking very low with her hand almost covering her mouth in an attempt not have other people hear her. So what did we learn kids? Chewing someone out with whispering just isn't a very effective tactic.

I may be inspired to write a discussion of the poll results tomorrow. It will probably be one-part genuine sociological analysis, one-part stand-up routine. You've been warned.

In other news, I just found out I'll be receiving business cards with the new logo. I don't have any business cards with the old logo. I've worked here for more 2 years and never had a business card. People at headquarters who worked there for 9 months total in the same position as me got business cards. Regional offices get the shaft so often. I guess now I shouldn't quit in 3 months if I'm getting business cards.