I'm no scientist.

Last night's reading went really well. I decided to perform a slightly revised version of this and also the poem-thing I put here. I hadn't read the latter piece in quite some time (notice the date of March 23, 3001) and got weirded out that some of the things I wrote about actually happened to us recently. I'm no Miss Cleo, but I'm scared.

freakysparks's piece was smashing and I wasn't the only one who thought so -- I got to witness a wonderful compliment from our waitress.

Damon and I talked on the way home about the various acts we enjoyed and preferred and how I'm not really a hardcore fan of a lot that comes out of the slam style of poetry performance. When I was first starting to experience performance, slam was refreshing take on the dry words I had studied in high school It was energetic and accessible and made sense, but nowadays I need something a bit more. I'm not saying that "all slam poetry" is this or that -- I'm just saying that as is the case with any genre, when you're first exposed to it, you love ALL of it, no matter how mediocre it is, but as tastes progress, it takes a bit more for me to be inspired. But most folks last night weren't really doing poetry slam -- we just got on the topic for awhile.

I loved the comedic pieces and the personal pieces and I actually really loved the quiet pieces by writer's workshop folks. Hell, even the bizarre vocal performer had some fascinating moments, even though I thought her excerpt wasn't excerpted enough. But the one that got me was a monologue piece that took place as a reader at a book signing how steps up to the mic to engage the author. Fcking brilliant. I loved the concept and the piece itself was really strong and well-done. I was honored to be on the same bill as her.

I'm not sure I'll be starting a second career as a writer or performer, but I definitely enjoyed sharing my work and getting the immediate audible response -- such a different mode of feedback than the "sit and wait for comments" game of livejournal. I'm also pleased to know I still possess my ability to speak in front of a group of people with relative easy and natural-ness.

In other news, how much did Chris Rock get paid last night to say Eminem is "the greatest rapper in the world" at the MTV awards show?

same/different; different/different; different/same

On Wednesday night, in the middle of talking about something only somewhat related, MelRo and I got into a discussion about the concept of attraction and connection and desire. And she said something unintentionally startling, which was that when she thinks of our relationship, she thinks of herself as being in a relationship with a man. As a transguy I'm supposed to rejoice or something, but to be odd, it felt strangely foreign. Thinking about it now, I realize how disconnected my identity is from my body, even if my body looks how I want and how I feel most comfortable. I'm not always sure of my internal identity either -- sometimes it's almost too fluid. If folks' gender (and sexuality) was an organized religion, I would be universalist unitarian. Or a dabbler. Some new age-y pretentious flake who likes to embody other peoples' historical traditions in a cheeky manner.

But since it's not really spirituality and ancestry we're talking about co-opting, I don't feel like a poser for doing so. But sometims I do feel like I'm lacking a firm foundation to stand on.

I'm obviously enamored with masculinity, on others and on me. I'd probably fck myself in a heartbeat, given an adequate opportunity. And I'm intrigued and turned on often my masculinity and men. But part of me feels absolutely confused in how or why I'm attracted.

I consider my dynamic with MelRo to be different/same, where the first describe outer features and the latter describe internal features. There's a binary here, which I'm sure most folks oppose, but my vision here is more fluid, and besides I like numbers and prefer two-dimensions, so let me try to clarify. When I say "different", I mean the distance between where we're located on the linear spectrum is more than half of the total distance. So physically speaking, MelRo and I are more different than alike, even though there are some similarities. But internally speaking, our gender expression within our personality is more alike than different.

She's the first Different/Same relationship I'd had, though now that I think about it, my best friend in high school who I was in love with off and on was a Different/Same (D/S -- not to be confused with dominant-submissive). My relationship with Karen started out Same/Different and ended up Different/Different -- which is not what she wanted. Though techinically I felt like it was D/D from the beginning, I just hadn't articulated it.

My attraction to femme women is under this category of D/D. It's one of my favorite dynamics, I think, just because it's so intriguing and erotically charged for me. But that doesn't mean it's the only option I desire or even what I think works best for me over the long-term. I don't really know at this point and I'm not really concerned with trying to project or change my life based on some idle perceptions.

Transguys I've known (or dated) have had more of a same/same dynamic, which is not particularly interesting to me in a sexual relationship, but makes for great friendships and feelings of family. And bioguys I know well (namely Damon) are same/same, but more likely they're almost-same/almost-same.

Or the strange nebulous category of same-different/same-different. My attraction to men is confusing to me, because I'm not always sure where the similarities and differences lie and which ones attract me and which ones scare.

With women I've been able to achieve a comfortable level of being different. I haven't experienced that yet with a guy -- the ability to be different/same while still being a guy. Or maybe almost-same/same is a better way to put it, but that implies I'm striving for same, and I'm not.

I wonder about the possibly dynamic of same/different with me and a femme transwoman -- it would obviously be a different kind of same, because our bodies would be different, but we would have possibly traveled over the same places of the scale, just moving in opposite directions. So the sameness would come from us both experiencing the wider range and understanding the fluidity and malleable forces.

I realize that I'm probably making no sense, trying to distill a wide range of complicated identities into two words describing two points of view (outside looking in and inside looking out), but this makes sense in my head.

I think I just need to re-read some femme writings, like Joan and Amber, who are often able to perfectl articulate concepts I previously thought indescribable. And find out what (queer) men are writing about similar ideas -- I don't have as many books in my library coming from the other side.

(Any suggestions you may have are welcome.)

For the entertainment of folks trying to make this Friday afternoon pass.

I bring you Five Random Livejournal Users.
(Brought to you by the Find Users: Random function)

1. Why you hating on David Bowie?
"What a grand night for tv. MTV movie awards are over and I'm still swooning. My Ewan looked so god damn HOT! A little eyeliner and gel (and passibly some bronzer?), my my I haven't seen the boy look that yummy in a long time. Thank god he's out there so that chicks like me can still get there fill of British guys in makeup with out having to turn to David Bowie. And then there was Orlando who was sporting some sort of facial hair thing…who told him he was allowed to cover his face? Lord of the Rings won best picture…sure to be a celebratory Hobbit orgy afterwards :P And Ewan looked HOT! And I think that's all I have to say on that ^_^"

2. NC-17 in a G-Rated sort of way
"Adam and i went on a walk on the property in oregon as usual. in the evening, while the sun was slowly setting behind the trees and mountains in the far distance. In one clearing a ways from the house adam stopped me and started to kiss me. slow passionate and with ubber sexiness. he took off his light jacket set it down and sat on it. i sat on his lap kissing him and he suggested that we have a little luvin. he unzipped his pants moved them out of the way a little bit, and i took my pants and the thing i call underwear off and left it around one foot. I rode him like we were in a motel room. The birds left the nearby trees, and the breeze picked up just enough to make my nipples erect. When we finished we sat there together watched the sun go into hiding and take refuge on the other side of the mountain. We walked back to the house and went to the kitchen to get some water."

3. That's not l33t!
"I'm irritated, I am, I really am freaking irritated.

You know what? Nothing is mine anymore. Homestar, Blind Guardian, Avantasia, Megatokyo, Adventurers comics, and all these other things that were, at my school, exclusively my knowledge, are now gone. Everyone and their mother reads Megatokyo, and this guy at school thinks he's l33t because he printed each one up. Thats not l33t! Thats stupid! Especially since now half the school reads it. I hear stupid megatokyo jokes in the hallway sometimes, and it's just.. corny. I mean, MT was one of my favorite webcomics for the longest time, and then once everyone kept talking about it over and over again. It got... old. I mean, what was once a fun thing to read and share injokes with, is now just something.. annoyingly popular."

4. This shouldn't be funny, but check out the current music.
Sad...

I hate feeling so alone...
All the time...
That's all...
I feel so alone...

current mood: lonely
current music: Simon and Garfunkle - I am a Rock

5. File Under: You should know better than to say stupid shit like this. (This was in the same entry where the writer indicates that she's Indian.)
"starbucks sucks. there coffee and stuff is like hell yeah good but like the service and those people are like jackass freaks. so today i go and i'm like "um..and iced...caramel machiato." and so this chick doesn't here the iced part and give me a regular caramel machiato thing and i'm like "oh i said ice.." and she like blew her weave headed top. i am positive i said "iced" and nandini heard me too. and you'd think the bitch would be like "oh i'm sorry ma'am," but nooo she just gets this ghetto attitude and grabs the cup and throws it away and huffily makes one thats iced. and i'm like "I'm sorry" and she's like "no problem" and i'm liek bitch you are the one thats supposed to say sorry dumbfuck. god. i'm so filling out one of those little "how are we doing" forms. the shit there is awesome but they need a class on ettiquite. pfft."


Hmm, I feel bad ending on such an agitating negative note. Let me find one more.....

Honorable Mention: I don't get it.
"So I live in a haunted house. It's ok a lot of the time. But apparently Jen is getting upset. We must not be talking about her enough. Tonight she was turning on the water in the downstairs bathroom full blast. Strange. Well, I suppose it's her right to be angry with us. I mean we're almost always gone right now. Hmm. Ghosts get cranky. Who knew? Hehe. I hope she feels better as the summer progresses. (YAY - Jen finally came up to see me - woohoo - my door was starting to open . . . ooh-eee-ooh) HEHE"