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I'm feeling rather introverted, even though that doesn't really make sense and one doesn't really "feel" introverted, but it's a shorthand way of describing the fact that I want and need lots of time alone and feel incapable of maintaining decent physical or emotional intimacy in any setting except within myself.
This doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood, though I'm much more prone to crankyness. Like feeling irrationally angry about the co-worker who leave at 4:45 every day and claims to arrive at 8:30 which is her justification, but in the last week she's arrived at the same time as me or even after. I feel angry that when she arrives late she doesn't make up for it by staying late. I should mostly just mind my own business and take care of myself.
I was also angry at the dog this morning for being unreasonable and testy and sick, which is unfair and I didn't really act in a mean or unreasonable way towards her -- but I knew what I was thinking. On the train I was thinking about the concept of sickness and how it relates to disappointment and expectations and anger and care-taking. When I'm sick, I'm okay with being mad at myself or being mad at "bad luck" for making me ill, but I'm obviously not allowed to be at another person (or in this case, animal) for being ill, however, I can't even really be mad at the "circumstances" because that's pretty much like blaming the person who's ill. So where is the person supposed to dump the frustration and anger and sadness?
Don't get me wrong -- the dog's not THAT sick, and my girlfriend only has a cold, so it's not like real-life circumstances are causing major problems for me. My mind's just wandering.
So today on the lunch hour I go home to eat a sandwich and take her to the doctor and pay more money I don't have on little plastic cards that get my items I can't afford. But at least last night we finally filled out the insurance claim form and I can mail that in and someday we'll possibly be reimbursed for the trouble.
And in less than a week I will turn 25. I wonder if my father will respond to my e-mail. I wonder if my mother will call me on my birthday again.
And whenever I can't say it right, the horoscope tends to sum it up nicely.
CANCER (Jun 21–Jul 22): It feels like there are many things coming at you from different directions and it makes you uncertain as to what to do next. You can feel the solstice getting closer and you know the waters are going to become very still before the tide changes. In the meantime, you want to hide in your room beneath the covers. Of course, that won’t solve anything…and it won’t even make you feel better.
This doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood, though I'm much more prone to crankyness. Like feeling irrationally angry about the co-worker who leave at 4:45 every day and claims to arrive at 8:30 which is her justification, but in the last week she's arrived at the same time as me or even after. I feel angry that when she arrives late she doesn't make up for it by staying late. I should mostly just mind my own business and take care of myself.
I was also angry at the dog this morning for being unreasonable and testy and sick, which is unfair and I didn't really act in a mean or unreasonable way towards her -- but I knew what I was thinking. On the train I was thinking about the concept of sickness and how it relates to disappointment and expectations and anger and care-taking. When I'm sick, I'm okay with being mad at myself or being mad at "bad luck" for making me ill, but I'm obviously not allowed to be at another person (or in this case, animal) for being ill, however, I can't even really be mad at the "circumstances" because that's pretty much like blaming the person who's ill. So where is the person supposed to dump the frustration and anger and sadness?
Don't get me wrong -- the dog's not THAT sick, and my girlfriend only has a cold, so it's not like real-life circumstances are causing major problems for me. My mind's just wandering.
So today on the lunch hour I go home to eat a sandwich and take her to the doctor and pay more money I don't have on little plastic cards that get my items I can't afford. But at least last night we finally filled out the insurance claim form and I can mail that in and someday we'll possibly be reimbursed for the trouble.
And in less than a week I will turn 25. I wonder if my father will respond to my e-mail. I wonder if my mother will call me on my birthday again.
And whenever I can't say it right, the horoscope tends to sum it up nicely.
CANCER (Jun 21–Jul 22): It feels like there are many things coming at you from different directions and it makes you uncertain as to what to do next. You can feel the solstice getting closer and you know the waters are going to become very still before the tide changes. In the meantime, you want to hide in your room beneath the covers. Of course, that won’t solve anything…and it won’t even make you feel better.
