tears in my eyes burn.

In life I know there is lots of grief, but your love is my relief.

I used to be a big romantic sap. Walking by the beach at night, having candles with a homemade dinner, slow dancing to certain songs, mailing handwritten letters. All that typical stuff. Then I actually did it with someone, and it felt okay, but I wasn't sure what the big deal was. It didn't last long. I thought I was done with it, that I'd become a practical realistic considerate person who did nice things, but didn't believe in 'romantic notions' that somehow had more meaning than real conversations or thoughtful actions. And it's true -- I still don't think roses are very exciting.

Tears in my eyes burn, while I'm waiting, while I'm waiting for my turn.

But I still have these urges to do random acts, that seem 'romantic' to me. I like the idea of buying someone a slurpee and sitting on the curb outside the 7eleven together. I like going out to nice dinners, and certain meals like tapas or sushi seem more interactive and sensual, though the idea of being at a diner at 2 am works well too.

See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.

But the entire operation isn't so much dependent on me as it is the person with/for whom I'm doing these activities. There has to be a proper blend of indulgence without condescension. And the catch-22 is that they can't enjoy it too much. I know that's strange, but if the person puts too much stock in the activities, I don't trust their reactions or reasonings in the rest of the relationship. I gues I want someone who appreciates the spontaneity and goofiness of the activity for what it is, without being too cynical or without having certain requirements and expectations. I don't want to be in the doghouse for not bringing chocolates home on Valentine's day -- that's absurd to me.

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love, 'cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there. Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.

Weddings make me nauseous but not to the point of disruption -- I can still attend and be a fabulous guest. I'm politically and socially opposed to them for myself and as well as the compulsory nature in which society teaches us relationships are best when monogamous and state-sanctioned. I think it's a fine option, but shouldn't be required or standard. And yet....I could plan a fabulous wedding. It would be the proper blend of tradition and quirkyness and politics and sillyness and touching and trite and ridiculous and sweet and loving. And the soundtrack would be killer.

( today's horo for Cancer and the first half of my mixtape )

qualifying seems to be the action of the day -- justaboi

I started this yesterday and finished it today. Longest LJ entry ever. Here's the breakdown, including numbers for those who haven't checked the stats on my recent poll.

First question: How many friends/close acquaintances in your life are people of color?
Almost half of folks answered "3-5". One-fifth of people said "0-2" -- I intentionally put people who knew no people of color with people who had one or two friends, because I don't think having a token is much different than having none -- either way it's pretty limited daily exposure to relationships with non-white people.
More than a quarter answered "too many to count", but almost half of those people are people of color.

Second question: How many black people have been in your house?
This question was inspired by a joke in "Kings of Comedy": If you can't count the number of black people who've been in your house, than you're racist.
(Of course, that's sort of a trick statement, since most everyone is racist.) But the point of the question is to make people pay attention -- I know some people will say "I don't see color and I don't pay attention to people's race" but those are usually the folks who's only black visitor was the cable guy.
Interestingly enough, the vote was split very differently from the first question: about a third said "0-2" and a third said "too many to count". The other third was split pretty evenly between "3-5" and "6-10". For people who qualified their answer by saying they've had few people over period, let me ask the follow up question -- what's the percentage of non-white people who've been in your house?

Third and fourth question: Use of lingo and number of hip-hop albums.
About a third of people straight up said "no" they don't use such slang (which is an unintentional lie in some case, because I've SEEN the words in your livejournal!), but 2/3 of of y'all own less than 10 albums. And skipping ahead a question, some of the same people say they use the n-word with the "a" ending. I'm NOT saying that if you own every 2pac and Biggie bootleg you're 'qualified' to talk the talk -- I just think there are some interesting correlations.

Fifth Question: Sitting next to the black guy on the bus.
Almost half admitted to choosing the seat next to the teenager to prove a point. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone, even if I'm slightly ashamed. But this poll isn't about shaming anyone -- I just wanted honesty. Almost a one-fifth said they would sit next to the white woman -- again, I appreciate folks answering honestly and I'm glad that people are aware of their actions. Over one-third of the pollers claimed to have no idea what I was talking about. Somehow I find this hard to believe. My purpose for this question was not to see if people would choose "white or black" -- that's pretty much already been studied and the results show that EVERYONE unconsciously picks white people as the standard for normal, average, and beautiful, due to the mass cultural conditioning through the media, history books, etc. etc. This question was more about people realizing that they have this instinct, and whether they intentionally act against it. Now, the whole motivation of "proving a point" is sort of the question of white liberal guilt thrown in for good measure. But I don't necessarily think it's a horribly evil thing to do -- go against the deeply buried instincts. Many folks claim their motivation is to avoid teenagers, and I don't doubt that's a factor, but I think it's a conscious factor -- we weren't taught to hate/fear/loathe teenagers from a young age. With the question, I wanted to know if people ever confront the unconscious fears on a daily or weekly basis. I mean, even if you would always sit next to the white woman, at least be aware that you're always sitting next to the white woman and don't pretend it's a happy accident or coincidence.

Sixth question: A white person is claiming to not own any opinions on race because they're from a town/area with virtually no non-white people. How would you place them as a white person?

Okay, I know I said there are no "right answers", but I think I lied. I think the last answer is the most accurate in general. All white people are racist. (Some say all people are racist, but I'm not qualified to make that statement at this time, so I won't.) I don't think being from an all-white area necessarily makes you more or less so - that can only be determined on a case by case basis. But 70% of people agreed with me and chose the same answer.

Seventh question: The N-word.

Answers were pretty spread out across the board, with more people leaning towards the "rap lyrics" quoting. I must say, I'm quite surprised that people actually chose the answer "no, never ever ever ever ever". I'm sure intentions were good, but I can't help but wonder if there's perhaps a strong element of denial.

Thanks for everyone who answered. I will conclude my unofficial analysis with a story of my own personal relationship with "the n-word".
( the evils of Snoop Dogg )

Who's the baller now, woadie?

I've spent lots of time online today having excellent discussions, but I really should do some work in my last two hours. In order to facilitate this, I will force myself to close all internet browsers and e-mail. I will also possibly leave the room.

However, I leave you with today's pop culture meditiation:

"Pre-Advance Order your copy of the DVD today!"

What exactly is a pre-advance order and how does it differ from an advance order?