Hi! Remember me?

I get this e-mail on my hotmail account today:

Subject: Its Kim From SH Church
Date : Tue, 1 Oct 2002 20:06:37 -0700

Hi Raymond,

Its Kim from Sacred Heart Church, how's your week going? Its really good to have you back in church, I missed you. I really admire they way you, are always kind and warm hearted to everyone its very admirable. Lots of people go to church, but how many really try to live life as a real Christian, I am sure you have God's attention.

Don't forget the Novena, Friday.

Kim


And I thought, wow this is the most clever spam ever! Except...there seems to be no product. And the headers seem to be genuine. So on a whim, and knowing I might be opening myself up for further Sacred Heart propganda, I wrote her back saying I think she had the wrong Raymond. And it turns out, it was genuine e-mail. So strange. Though now I fear I'm being watched by the Sacred Heart Church -- but which one? There's probably one in every city! Maybe the Catholics are getting more aggresive in their recruitment tactics these days. Do they even have recruitment campaigns? It seems to be more about being born into it. I can see the bus ads now: "We're not your father's Catholic Church -- come check us out! Abuse-free since 2002."

Okay, maybe that last line was a bit below the belt.

Today is day two of chicken and dumplings for lunch and I don't mind a bit. Normally I can only have leftovers once, but there are a few dishes I can eat twice. For the most part, I aim to not have leftovers -- I'd rather prepare a meal solely for the purpose of lunch the next day than eat the same meal twice in 24 hours. Or, I have to spice it up by adding something new.

My food beckons.

You're such a guy.

I never understand such statements. I suppose as a tranny it's supposed to make me all warm and fuzzy inside when someone insists because of the way I butter my bread I must inherently be male. And admittedly, there were a few times back in the beginning of my transition that such comments did bring a certain amount of satisfaction and reassurance, but I think that had more to do with the delicate nature of my nascent masculinity and identity, versus my belief that I have inherent male or female characteristics. I mean, sure I do. I've lived as both so of course I have some conditioning in both arenas. But that doesn't mean I think them biologically based or, even scarier, completely immutable.

But it's hard for me to get upset when people say things like this. Normally I just blankly stare, my brain pausing momentarily to try and understand what the comment means, and then inevitably realizing that I can't confirm or deny such accusations (I call them such, since that's often how they feel). I wonder, am I missing something? (since people seem to make such comments a lot.)

I wonder why I feel so free floating, so unable to form a solid opinion. And I realized it's because I don't really have information for the argument further down the line. If I say "that's not why I'm a guy" and then they say "then what is?" So, what is it? I obviously can't say biology. At least not fully. Biology is part of it, since I have biological characteristics of a man, which I very much enjoy. But having a beard or a hairy belly or broad shoulders isn't what makes me a guy either.

I honestly have no idea. I just know. And that actually means more to me. The fact that despite being told thousands of times that I'm something else, and that for years and years I looked in the mirror and saw something else, I still know. I just know.