Estoy aqui quierendote, ahogandome entre fotos y cuandernos, entre cosas y recuerdos, eue no puedo.

Oh, moon in Sagittarius. That explains some things, such as my mild moodiness with no discernible reason or problem.

( horoscopes that make sense too )

Still battling agoraphobia, which comes in spastic waves. Like I'll be standing outside on the sidewalk at 10:15 pm walking Sophie, the exact time of the incident, and will feel free, unencumbered, safe, but this morning I choke back paranoia while waiting for the bus in broad daylight.

Last night I got distracted by downloading music. I can't believe I was even trying that isht with dial-up -- sometimes my patience amazes myself. With DSL, I downloaded as many songs in a few hours as I had in the entire past three months combined. I'm expecting my lawsuit to show up in the mail anyday.

I'm very much in love with the novel I'm reading: Mating. I also seem to be bleeding in some random places on my body, none of them related to each other.

That pretty much brings us current.

Are the motherfckers ready for the fatherfckers?

I could write about what's going on with my body right now, but I'm going to pull the stereotypical behavior for tranny health and act like nothing is going on. Ignore your teeth and they'll go away. Not true for other body parts, unfortunately. I mean, I'm not really ignoring the condition since I know why it's happening and I already have a doctor's appointment for Tuesday. I'm just ignoring it for the sake of this journal enty. Starting.....now.

My morning was pretty crappy, between being unable to shake dreams, various physical ailments, and my co-workers being either cranky and preoccupied or absent (and therefore leaving their work to the rest of us). But after finally taking a lunch break at 1:45, my mood started to brighten a bit. I credit the healing power of tuna and reese's peanut butter cups.

When I walk around the streets during my lunch hour, my thoughts and perceptions are so clear and insightful and rejuvenating. Then when I sit back down at my work space, it's like I'm sucked into a vacuum of feeling stifled and bored and lazy. Perhaps it's the lack of feng shui in the arrangement of the piles of papers and documents needing to be archived. I'm thinking about bringing one of my Rothko prints into the office to hang for inspiration, or at least bring some color to the blindingly white walls that lean over my head. On one hand, I hate the idea of investing so much time and energy in decorating a place I don't really want to define me, but on the other hand, I do spend just as much time here as I do at home, possibly more if you subtract sleeping. And as sad as that is, perhaps it's best to just accept it as a fact of life and somehow make my physical surroundings suck a bit less. Maybe I'm also resistant to spend too much effort because that implies I'll be staying in the same position for longer that I should. This strategy hasn't proven too successful in the past four years though, so I think it's probably time to try some new ideas. I especially don't think I'll be jumping ship for awhile, in light of my recent grad school undertaking and this toilet economy.

I'm looking forward to a post-work nap, possibly on our couch with a thousand pillows. We sort of have this pillow fetish (but not in the furries way).