Backstage pass

My porn alter ego was visible as of last week but I missed it's premiere until dommeyourass pointed it out today. I haven't looked at the full spread since I'm at work, but couldn't resist taking glimpse of at least part of it. A strange mix of emotions seeing myself in full color. Mostly good. I'll perhaps write more about it tonight after seeing all of them at home.

It's been a weird day. A weird week. I'm still feeling strange and unsettled. I keep chalking it up to other things: mercury in retrograde, erratic sleep schedule, end of a shot cycle, back at work, beginning of grad school. It's all that and more. Maybe. Maybe it's not.

No, I'm definitely deeply in need of some centering. Tonight I have the whole evening alone which I'm not necessarily looking forward to because large chunks of time when I'm in this state of mind are daunting but I know I desperately need it. I must regroup and reorganize. Do boring things like laundry and clipping the dogs nails and unpacking my books and organizing my writing space. Do rejuvenating things like play with the dog and masturbate and listen to music and sit.

I'm looking forward to this New Year's. I'm excited about seeing all my beloved Chicago people in one room for a party to celebrate what a long strange trip it's been and how 365 days ago I was sick as hell standing in the sidewalk in Las Vegas. I'm glad to have several days off from work afterwards to help me get back in the swing of things, develop a new schedule, make plans for one-on-one reconnections, get started on those resolutions. I can't help but make them, it's in my nature to constantly reinvent, rework myself. I'm in love with the idea that we're always changing and we're capable of being so much and so many different people and so few people fully take advantage of those choices (including myself). I don't like getting stuck in a rut of thinking all people are the same and never change, including myself. It's not about hating who I am and wanting to "be a better person" in a generic way, but more about fulfilling who I am.

I get sappy and philosophical when I'm in this state, it's the more positive side of being a drama queen. I'd much rather cringe at my self-help talk then feel crushed under the weight of perceived emotional turmoil.

In completely unrelated news, thank you to thirdreel and geekgrrrl47 for their mix CDs!