You're on your own now.

So it's day four of this year known as 2004 and I haven't updated my journal yet, so I begin to think am I avoiding the subject or I'm just extremely busy or am I wary of the perils of the online existence and its abilities to both nurture and connect while also tripping down a slippery downward spiral of wasted time and energy to the point of causing extreme anxiety and paranoia, but really that was all of five days ago and it feels like weeks, especially since I woke up yesterday morning scared I would get fired from my job because I'd spend so little time there in the past month which led to a brief though of going into the office on the weekend to accomplish work before I quickly shot it down since one, I don't really owe them that and two, it's completely unrealistic to think I would drag my ass there voluntarily, so I went back to sleep and enjoy my recent ability to stay asleep for more than seven hours on any given night and have deep twisted unconscious tangling dreams that include buying my parents lunch and saving paper journals from government investigations into my "criminal" activity, so waking up is a mixed bag of pleasure of rescue from solving the problem and pain in being ripped so quickly from one reality and dropped down into another, though at least the waking reality includes not one, but two, services at the zen temple in the past five days and this morning she said I hope your new year's resolution don't involve changing yourself, your nature, and sometimes when someone says the right words at the right moment, my body experiences this wave of relaxation from head to toe and I could almost cry from release, not tears of joy or tears of sadness but more akin to the same tears that come after shuddering orgasms from hours of buildup and changing gears from fun and sexy to intimate and intense, though I didn't cry this morning I felt at peace and grateful and a trip to the grocery store felt just like it was and now my toes are cold from the wet snow even though I just walked across the street from the car to meet the new landlord.

And now I'm here, starting the year with one of the longest run-on sentences I've constructed. I'm reading The Corrections. I'm watching season five Buffy. I'm cooking and washing dishes in bathtubs. I'm going to parties and DJing and out for drinks. I'm playing dirty hearts. I'm writing letters. I'm having two hours conversations with my best friend. I'm taking wellness formula to ward off illnesses. I'm happy to be back in Chicago and back in my home with all the occupents present and accounted for. And I think I have a crush.

Belated happy new year.