Jul. 22nd, 2004

raybear: (sushi!)
Let's start with a horoscope:

CANCER (Jun 21–Jul 22): Whatever has been started over the last month can now begin to take root and become more solid. This is partly about shining the light on your own accomplishments and allowing others to see what you've done. This doesn't mean that you'll need to give up the security of what you already have. You will, however, need to find balance between your home and your professional world.

Especially when my professional world is IN my home.

I don't know if this is a Cancer thing or not, but last night while drifting off to sleep I was thinking about how, at any given moment, I simulataneously have about four or five emotions/moods going on. Rarely is my state of mind and being so clear and one feeling forcefully affecting all parts of my personality. I think this is where the "emotional junkie" part comes out. It's not that I'm creating feelings based solely on outside environment, it's more that I'll choose to express certain moods at certain times with certain people. For example, right now I'm feeling horny, insecure/anxious (related to work), frustrated (related to health/spiritual), and content (related to social interactions and the fact that I'm sitting in bed naked with a laptop). Depending on who I talk to in this moment, I will commiserate or express in a different way. Sometimes even simultaneously.

The only time I feel emotional purity is often when it comes to depression. This is what I thought last night, and it's probably not completely true, but it's the only time I could think of. And that didn't thrill me too much to realize about myself. I'm not depressed right now. But I am fairly stressed out on a regular basis about work and money and personal drive and whether I was a total idiot to quit my job. I often feel I can't express my concerns about work because my internal voice says, well, you're the one that chose this, so quit your yapping. Because, you know, I'm not allowed emotional responses to things in life. I am an island impervious to all others.

Also, I think this is why I have a hard time selecting a mood on LJ. Usually I just go for "hungry" or maybe "sleepy".

I forgot I have therapy today. I already vomited out lots things last night. I did feel better afterwards (though that might have had more to do with the hot sex), though I can barely remember two words I said, which means it wasn't exactly the best way to go about getting things off my chest. I realize I've been holding so much in lately, which means minor stuff gets made bigger because it hangs out and festers. All my journals are fairly neglected and I notice a difference when that happens. I've already started working on it.

In Other NewsTM, I might get some fresh booty this weekend. Which will perfectly complement the hot in-house booty I have. And hell, if I can pitch and sell myself to potential sex partners, I can certainly do it to some staffing services and get myself some freelance/temp work.

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