It may seem like a stretch, but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away

DYA called me at 4:30 to tell me she lost her trial. The jury came back really quickly and found against her client on all counts (she was suing a cop and the city for being harasses and sexually assualted by cop -- at times, when he was on duty -- and he's still working in her neighborhood). It was pretty gut-wrenching for me to hear, as a casual observer of a few days of the trial as well as someone who's sensitive to the issues of sexual assault and mis-use of police power. I can't imagine how upsetting it must be for the client and all the attorneys.

Also, I know how difficult it is to work really hard on something and then face disappointment. It's not easy, and I don't like seeing my partner deal with hard stuff, even though I know there's nothing I can do about it and there's always going to be hard stuff. Standing on the outside, no matter how fcked up and sad and hard it is to experience the loss of the trial, it's also really easy for me to see that her work was not a waste at all, it's not in vain, it was very important and necessary for lots of reasons, including ones that will only be made clear over time. And I need to remember this lesson for myself, since often that fear of failure is what keeps me from working hard. But anyway, yeah, I'm trying to think positive thoughts for those now in the aftermath.

This evening I got a phone call from QCL, who has been conspicuously absent from journaling and life for a while, or at least a few weeks. I was applying plastic sheeting to the windows when it happened (Sidebar: haven't you people heard of storm windows? Why are we as a city putting oversized saran wrap up with scotch tape to keep from freezing??). I called her back, we chatted for an hour or so. There was no discussion of past or possible mis-steps or hurts. It was rarely awkward. It was occasionally hilarious. It was entirely pleasant. I'm trying to not be so scared or anxious in my relationships. I know this sounds weird and might not be entirely apparent, but I've started to notice my tendency to feel both. And I think my work at letting go is helping.

This is also the second night in a row I had a long conversation on the phone. I'm trying to get over my phone-phobia, which has to do with these compulsions and expectations of what conversations could and should be. Which is related to the relationship thing mentioned above. I don't normally talk about my anxiety, in part because I like to pretend I'm over any and all self-consciousness and that I'm completely confident. Of course, then I start cultivating and developing my confidence further and realize certain behavior patterns I engage in.

Anyway, the point of this post has nothing to do with any of that. Last night on the phone with limenal, we talked about how I sometimes imagine if my life was a daily talk show, what would my recurring segments be called and what they would be about. Things that pop in your head or experience on a regular basis. So far, the following ideas include:

How'd That Song Get On My iPod?

I Didn't Mean To Get Turned On By _______

I Just Read This Great Article In ____[insert title of pretentious literary/new magazine (e.g. Harper's, New Yorker)]___ and It Changed My Life.

Bodies Are Weird; or, How Does This Work?

That's Just Like What Happened On ____[insert television show I'm currently obsessed with and watching via DVD marathons]______

I Need to Remember to Google _____


What would be segments on your show?