Been around us for so long but still so hesitant.

I kind of hit a bottom this past week or so. I say "a" bottom, not "the" bottom, because the latter would just be melodramatic or hyperbolic, since I still have an apartment, friends, loved ones, all my arms and legs, etc. But what I didn't have was any confidence, sense of self-worth, intelligence, motivation or determination, and that's where I hit bottom. Which meant the only place to go was up. All this is mumbojumbo preamble for saying I finally sent an e-mail to my advisor with a full draft of my paper. So the project's not complete, but I'm 90% there, which is much further than the past two months and the last 10% will be easier since I'm just plugging in his feedback. I also committed to sending him fiction pages on Friday and mentioned that in the e-mail -- I need my motivation to come from me primarily, but a tiny bit of accountability can help boost it.

To celebrate, I'm going to member sitting tonight. For some reason I'm suddenly nervous and wishing I wasn't going alone, even though I can't bring anyone because they aren't members. I'll get over it quickly. I'm probably just scared of meditating for long periods even though it's been nearly two weeks since the meditation retreat.

I have no stories. I keep thinking while I'm sitting at my journal: "tell a story, write a story". I can't think of any.