Been around us for so long but still so hesitant.

[raybear]

I kind of hit a bottom this past week or so. I say "a" bottom, not "the" bottom, because the latter would just be melodramatic or hyperbolic, since I still have an apartment, friends, loved ones, all my arms and legs, etc. But what I didn't have was any confidence, sense of self-worth, intelligence, motivation or determination, and that's where I hit bottom. Which meant the only place to go was up. All this is mumbojumbo preamble for saying I finally sent an e-mail to my advisor with a full draft of my paper. So the project's not complete, but I'm 90% there, which is much further than the past two months and the last 10% will be easier since I'm just plugging in his feedback. I also committed to sending him fiction pages on Friday and mentioned that in the e-mail -- I need my motivation to come from me primarily, but a tiny bit of accountability can help boost it.

To celebrate, I'm going to member sitting tonight. For some reason I'm suddenly nervous and wishing I wasn't going alone, even though I can't bring anyone because they aren't members. I'll get over it quickly. I'm probably just scared of meditating for long periods even though it's been nearly two weeks since the meditation retreat.

I have no stories. I keep thinking while I'm sitting at my journal: "tell a story, write a story". I can't think of any.

Comments

[thirdreel.livejournal.com]

Have a good sitting. Don't tell any stories.

[kneidlach.livejournal.com]

I feel that it is a sure sign that I have a dirty mind that when I first saw your post I was convinced you were talking about BEING "a" bottom vs. "The" bottom. Then I realized you weren't talking about sex. Dammit, why does my mind always go there?

I've been having a really hard time having any confidence and any motivation. My work's not getting done for both reasons, and it's getting in the way of my job search, too. I hope you feel a burst of pride, inspiration, confidence and motivation soon.