It's hard out here for a pimp.

This morning I went running for the first time in....2 months? It's cooled off enough that I'm not scared. It was tough, I was going pretty slow and didn't go as far as usual, but my pace picked up near the end when the freshly downloaded "Whoop That Trick" came on the ipod. I didn't want the entire soundtrack for "Hustle & Flow", just the original songs off his demo. Maybe I'll wear my free H&F t-shirt today.

So, you know last fall how everyone got really into politics and world change and got really excited then devastated by the election and everyone promised to make changes and wrote dramatic and impassioned essays? Including me? And then after a few weeks, it went back to complacent business as usual? Including me? Yeah, I wrote my couple letters to the whitehouse that got no response and that was about it. I mean, sometimes you gotta focus on the microcosm, I understand.

Then in March I started reading more, doing research for my novel which has a soldier character. And slowly I've gotten more and more quietly obsessed with all things Iraq war and the fcked-up actions of this presidential administration (I can't even say "Bush" because it's so much bigger than that). I send e-mails to the whitehouse, to Senator Obama, I sign up for newsletters and send 10 bucks to a democratic candidate in Ohio who ran last week. But I don't talk about it out loud too much, though lately it's been spilling out more -- I'll rant to DYA in the car or I'll get into it with broqued in a bar. I don't really write about it here. For some reason, feeding my political side has become this highly personal act, like a spiritual life. Which sort of makes sense, because I feel part of my current need to be overwhelmingly informed is out of duty to my grandkids. What's that about?

It's not that I assume my friends don't care, or aren't interested, or aren't following things on their own, it's just not talked about, maybe because we just all assume we hold the same opinions on issues. Or maybe because we're afraid of opening cans of worms and getting riled up in a social gathering. I don't really know, I just keep reading my Harper's and BBC news and listen to my dozen podcasts, including Air America and my other new favorite KCRW's Left, Right, and Center which features Arianna Huffington.

And that's the real reason I'm writing all this -- because this morning I'm not able to download my Rachel Maddow and Randi Rhodes. There's some sort of network connection error. I feel paralyzed. I feel desperate. How will I get through my day working in the library without them?!? I'm totally freaking out.

I don't know how I'm still standing on my feet.

I was all ready to stay up all night working, enjoying the quiet dark hours in the apartment, but now I'm feeling sleepy. It's not even 10 o'clock! I think it's the chocolate milkshake. And the avoidance. I'm reading a book called Art & Fear and it's supposed to be empowering but I think it just makes it worse because it's articulating all the isht I do and think about myself. Of course, this doesn't make me stop reading it. In fact, I can't even read anything else until it's done, and normally I have 2 books going at a time, one fiction, one non-fiction of some form. This probably means I'm tapping into something but that doesn't mean I'm necessarily happy about it. Resist, resist, resist, thy name is Raymond. Why do I resist change so much? I think what I maybe resist more is change on someone else's timetable. Of course, I need these other timetables because otherwise my progress would be measured on a geological scale. Or an evolutionary one. And if I was an evolutionary theory, I would be punctuated equilibrium -- nothing gradual about it. Just a random leap out of nowhere, launching me forward.

Speaking of evolution, my aunt in Tennessee who I visited this weekend teaches second grade in the public school and mentioned that evolution is a "hot issue" and she almost got in trouble with a mom in a science discussion of mammals versus reptiles vs birds vs plants and putting human beings in the same category as other mammals. She also said their are many parents who are very anti-Harry Potter and have even asked her if she was also into sorcery and witchcraft, since she liked the books too much. My aunt said something to the effect of, "so what if I was? But really that question is so ridiculous and dumb, I can't believe people make that leap." A leap of faith. I just sat there with my mouth open thinking that evolution was still be debated in this 21st century society. I mean, actually, I think it should be debated, but more in a WHAT theory of evolution is most accurate (because there are a few out there). I mean, even when I was a christian, I summed it up as this: God created evolution. Simple, elegant. Why is it so hard? Oh because we live in a crazy society that is moving backwards and devolving to sooner bring about armaggedeon. I don't think I spelled that right. I don't use that word very often, even though I am a drama queen. I think I prefer the term "apocalypse". It feels more universal, less overtly religious.

I have decided I want to read the book Freakonomics but of course it was all checked out from the library and I almost got The Torture Papers instead, but who am I kidding that in 3 weeks I'd read 1200 pages of government documents and memos from the past 5 years that helped pave the way for Abu Ghraib and other instances of Americans performing 'legal' torture acts and getting around the law? Not likely.

This post interrupted by a phone call from limenal.

I suppose I shouldn't just throw out that casual reference to visiting my family in Tennessee. It was nice, nothing too weird. Mostly just sitting around and chatting while watching tv and movies and eating. At times I felt awkward, just because I haven't seen them in a long time, I was tired from my week in New Orleans, and I came at a busy time (both of my cousins going down to memphis for college that week). Plus my uncle was sick with a bad cold, after having just returned to work the week before after recovering from surgery for prostate cancer. But on Sunday morning I talked to him a little while in the kitchen about my grandmother's health and other random bits of life. He mentioned me coming back for a longer visit, I said the same when I left. I also invited my cousins to come visit Chicago whenever they'd like and meant it. I'd love to have them come up and hang out with me.

They live in Ripley, Tennessee, about 40 miles north of Memphis. Despite the neo-conservative people in the county as mentioned above, it's strangely mixed and one of the few counties in the state to vote democratic in the last election. And they're famous for their tomatoes. I bought two pounds, which I think is half a peck, but my farmer knowledge is rusty. We've eaten most of them in the past two days, usually with fresh ears of corn on the cob. It's that time of year where I eat this summer meal 4 nights a week. I just need to make some iced tea to wash it all down.

I think I've woken up a bit.