Don't pull that thang out, unless you plan to bang.

[raybear]

Riding on the train on the way home from work yesterday, I made a frightening realization.

I have a male ego.

I mean, I knew I had an ego in general, and one that's occasionally problematic, but I didn't realize that I had some of the certain trappings that are associated with the male ego. I was thinking about my open relationship and just trying to figure out why I still get tripped up on unexpected stuff. (And by "stuff" I mean emotional hangups and such.) Then I realized that one of these consistent flare-ups has to do with typical trappings of being a guy -- the feeling that I'm being cuckolded (I fcking love that word) or that I'm not 'enough' for my partner and they must seek satisfaction elsewhere. What? Who am I? Where is this coming from? Am I soon going to be writing letters to the Playboy Advisor? I'm simultaneously horrified and intrigued by this recent discovery. Troubled that is exists and I have to rewrite my programming and try to get rid of it, but also fascinated by the idea that it appeared 'so suddenly'. I mean, I don't truly believe these ideas were brought on by testosterone -- this isht is too deep to have been implanted as recently as 2 years ago. So I guess this conditioning started much earlier, and it's fascinating to me that my mind got conditioned about an identity that didn't apply to me for most of my life, and now it's surfacing and I'm somehow identifying with it.

And then bizarrely enough, my first instinct was to blame messages I've been absorbing in music and TV and such. As if not listening to certain songs or watching certain movies would somehow stop these feelings -- so now I have this Tipper Gore chip that's been implanted in my brain. This whole process makes me sleepy. But for the most part, I'm moderately happy to finally have the situation more clearly identified -- it's a lot easier for me to deconstruct unhealthy thought patterns if I know where they begin.

Last night I spent some quality time applying huckleberry lotion, which was quite wonderful. I was also impressed with how it tasted after being applied to the skin -- most of those flavored lotions and supposed erotic wares are generally so sticky and sugary that it doesn't feel good to consume or applied. But this lotion just had a mild fruity taste with no apparant chemical aftertaste. My hands even smell vaguely like it this morning, which is also reminding me of the wonderful way I was also...serviced, shall we say.

And then I tell myself, if I'm having enjoyable evenings like last night on a regular basis, I'm pretty damn lucky and happy and who cares what's going on in those other moments when I'm not around anyway? Does it matter what she does with her time, as long as I get satisfaction out of our time? And any of my own extracurricular interests and ideas I don't imagine interfering with my desires for her.

Okay, obviously, it's not always quite this simple or easy, but it's a nice aspiration and ideal. Besides, I must start somewhere in my attempts to eliminate this male ego.

Comments

so, i don't write in my own journal, but...

[sean7232.livejournal.com]

I've always been fascinated by the way in which I seem to have internalized such messages about maleness in childhood despite the fact that I was not male at the time. I also wonder whether, if such messages about gender and identity were not so intrinsic to our society (and some would argue, all structured living arrangements), I would have developed such loathing for my female secondary sex characteristics.