Never know loving like this before.
May. 28th, 2002 04:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearOn the way to lunch I was talking for a bit to MFHA (one of the attorneys) and she asked where I was vacationing this summer (I had e-mailed her last week to make sure the days off were okay with her schedule). I told her of my plan to tour the eastern seaboard and also that the trip had been nicknamed Booty Train 2002. I mentioned that Co-worker Friend keeps teasing me about working out to get in shape so I will have enough stamina, and MFHA said I had plenty of time and to keep drinking those protein shakes. Then she said, "well, you'll have to let me know how that goes when you get back." Wha? I'm sure I probably said something like "oh, okay, I'll keep you posted" but the idea of sharing all the scandalous details caught me off guard, since the last time we talked about our "sex lives" (I use that term facetiously and loosely), I got the impression she didn't want to go there (even though she brought it up). Now I'm thinking she just doesn't want to share her own info, but is curious to hear about others. But that's still a line I'm not sure I'll cross -- I may give her a sly grin, but I won't be showing off the polaroids. Wait, am I still typing?
Last night I had a rather disturbing dream. The actions themselves weren't that traumatic, but I just felt bad about myself. I hesitated to write about, since it involves livejournal people, but it's not like they ACTUALLY did something bad to me, and I know for a fact that they wouldn't act this way in real-life anyway, so with that little caveat, I bring you......
Monday Night's Dream
It started with me on a greyhound bus on my way to DC. I got off in some parking lot (it was a mini-greyhound station) and Tara aka![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
geekgrrrl47 was there to pick me up. She gave me a big hug and was very friendly, but in a sort of...bizarre way. Like it seemed somewhat disingenuous. Not that she DIDN'T like me, but that she was just acting super friendly because she was supposed to and she's 'naturely' bubbly and friendly. She also looked different than I was expecting, but I figured that's just because I've only seen her in photos. I didn't dwell on it too much, and we went inside to the store (it was a wal-mart) because that's where Ridley and Jesse (aka ridleyman and jesseboi) were inside waiting. I saw them at the end of the aisle, and they just sort of waved at me and kept browsing. Tara and I kept talking, and we met them in the next aisle. They politely shook my hand, but Jesse seemed extra distracted, barely making eye contact with me. We all talked for a minute about going to get food, and then they walked off to keep shopping, talking quietly too each other. As they were walking away, I looked at them and realized something -- they were both extremely thin. Jesse was super tall and lanky and I realized I hadn't really seen many photos of him anyway so I wasn't as sure about him (though he was wearing this weird tank-top-like shirt) and Ridley was about my height but way thinner than me. I stood there confused for a second, because I knew we'd had conversations about being fat queers and body image and trans stuff, etc. etc. and wondered if he had lost weight recently or if that's his average size. Then I turned to Tara and realized she was a lot smaller than I thought too -- she was way shorter than me (maybe 5 feet even) and was still a tiny bit curvy but not much. I was thoroughly confused at this point, and suddenly felt self-conscious about my own weight and about being too big around the three of them. I make a comment to Tara about how small they all are, and she changes the subject and apologizes for Rids and Jesse's behavior, saying that she thinks they're having a fight which is why they're being anti-social.
Later we're at Tara's apartment, but it's more like a hotel room/studio deal, and Ridley and Jesse are sleeping on one bed, and Tara says "oh, you can sleep on my bed, there's plenty of room" and it's like a huge king size bed and she gets into bed but stays way on her side of the bed with her back turned -- avoiding looking at me or possibly touching me (the bed is so huge there's like 3 feet between us when I get in). Then I started to feel bad because I assumed she was completely unattracted to me because I wasn't as thin as she thought.
Then I pretty much woke up, feeling rather crappy. I think I'm disturbed to have such a vivid dream about this area of insecurity where the perpetrators are real-life folks who are the most fat-positive people I know! Maybe it was subconsious hurt from anticipated rejection from the skinny dude from the Reader ad, even though I wasn't very invested in him anyway. We haven't talked at all, his ad wasn't that stellar, and his pics were cute enough but nothing that induced extreme lust.
The main feeling in the dream was disappointment and self-doubt. So maybe I need to think more about those feelings in general and especially how it relates to current expectations I have about myself.
But for now, I go home.
Last night I had a rather disturbing dream. The actions themselves weren't that traumatic, but I just felt bad about myself. I hesitated to write about, since it involves livejournal people, but it's not like they ACTUALLY did something bad to me, and I know for a fact that they wouldn't act this way in real-life anyway, so with that little caveat, I bring you......
Monday Night's Dream
It started with me on a greyhound bus on my way to DC. I got off in some parking lot (it was a mini-greyhound station) and Tara aka
geekgrrrl47 was there to pick me up. She gave me a big hug and was very friendly, but in a sort of...bizarre way. Like it seemed somewhat disingenuous. Not that she DIDN'T like me, but that she was just acting super friendly because she was supposed to and she's 'naturely' bubbly and friendly. She also looked different than I was expecting, but I figured that's just because I've only seen her in photos. I didn't dwell on it too much, and we went inside to the store (it was a wal-mart) because that's where Ridley and Jesse (aka ridleyman and jesseboi) were inside waiting. I saw them at the end of the aisle, and they just sort of waved at me and kept browsing. Tara and I kept talking, and we met them in the next aisle. They politely shook my hand, but Jesse seemed extra distracted, barely making eye contact with me. We all talked for a minute about going to get food, and then they walked off to keep shopping, talking quietly too each other. As they were walking away, I looked at them and realized something -- they were both extremely thin. Jesse was super tall and lanky and I realized I hadn't really seen many photos of him anyway so I wasn't as sure about him (though he was wearing this weird tank-top-like shirt) and Ridley was about my height but way thinner than me. I stood there confused for a second, because I knew we'd had conversations about being fat queers and body image and trans stuff, etc. etc. and wondered if he had lost weight recently or if that's his average size. Then I turned to Tara and realized she was a lot smaller than I thought too -- she was way shorter than me (maybe 5 feet even) and was still a tiny bit curvy but not much. I was thoroughly confused at this point, and suddenly felt self-conscious about my own weight and about being too big around the three of them. I make a comment to Tara about how small they all are, and she changes the subject and apologizes for Rids and Jesse's behavior, saying that she thinks they're having a fight which is why they're being anti-social.Later we're at Tara's apartment, but it's more like a hotel room/studio deal, and Ridley and Jesse are sleeping on one bed, and Tara says "oh, you can sleep on my bed, there's plenty of room" and it's like a huge king size bed and she gets into bed but stays way on her side of the bed with her back turned -- avoiding looking at me or possibly touching me (the bed is so huge there's like 3 feet between us when I get in). Then I started to feel bad because I assumed she was completely unattracted to me because I wasn't as thin as she thought.
Then I pretty much woke up, feeling rather crappy. I think I'm disturbed to have such a vivid dream about this area of insecurity where the perpetrators are real-life folks who are the most fat-positive people I know! Maybe it was subconsious hurt from anticipated rejection from the skinny dude from the Reader ad, even though I wasn't very invested in him anyway. We haven't talked at all, his ad wasn't that stellar, and his pics were cute enough but nothing that induced extreme lust.
The main feeling in the dream was disappointment and self-doubt. So maybe I need to think more about those feelings in general and especially how it relates to current expectations I have about myself.
But for now, I go home.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-05-29 06:29 am (UTC)that *is* a kinda scary, weird dream...and i can pretty much guarantee you that all the strange parts you dreamt about aren't founded in reality...
hope your week is otherwise going well, and i'm going to email you back soon, i promise!
xo,
tara
p.s. on a side note -- i also own a polaroid, so i'll be sure to load up on lots of film for my own documentation during the road trip! ;)
p.s.
Date: 2002-05-29 07:13 am (UTC)i did a double-take and asked laura if it might actually be you. she agreed that this guy was definitely your twin!
crazy stuff!
no subject
Date: 2002-05-29 08:59 am (UTC)yeah, that's why it was so unsettling. It's been a long time since someone's made me feel bad about my body (other than myself) and for the perpetrator to be the least likely person in my life to ever do that was very jarring. The feeling kept haunting me all day! But I think I've gotten over it.
The other weird part is that I didn't get your voicemail until yesterday -- so you had called me on Monday night without me knowing, but then you appeared in my dream. Strange. I just need to work on being lucid so I can have more fun and positive dreams with you!
I was going to call you tonight while I was out and about, but I left my cell phone at home. Hopefully we can chat soon.
xo,
raybear