raybear | a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away....

I started this journey to document my transition. I don't really talk about my transition much though. But lately I've been thinking more about my actual body.

I don't articulate much about my body and how it relates to my identity, mostly because I wasn't quite sure how everything fit together. It's been nearly 2 years since I started physically transitioning, and although I obvious notice every tiny thing that has happened since then, it's hard for me to see the changes as a strict "transition". I don't really feel that I'm changing into something new. Now don't get me wrong -- I'm not a transguy who's identified as 'male' since childhood. I don't feel aligned with those who sometimes deem themselves MtM, a way of reclaiming masculinity and manhood and stating that having female bodies did not make them less of men in their brains. I understand where they're coming from, but I didn't feel like a man in woman's body and I don't feel like a man in transman's body now.

I'm obviously adamant about my name and male pronouns. There's no middleground in that arena. To this day, my ears still burn with shame and embarassment and anger when someone calls me 'she', even if it's an accidental slip by some stranger who doesn't even know I wasn't born male and just happens to be tripping over there words. I even get defensive when it happens to transguy friends of mine, even those who don't care as much about pronoun juggling -- on their behalf, I project my feelings. This is somewhat strange phenomenon since I was always careful to NEVER jump down someone's throat for using female pronouns because I didn't want to fall into the trap of thinking female=bad. I didn't want the word 'she' to become a perjorative. Also, it's strange that I'm so faggy and faggoty and femmey and fine with all of those words and although someone could maybe almost possibly get away with calling me "girlfriend!" while swishing their wrists, I would still be wary and uncomfortable.

But that's still about words. I talk about words a lot. I don't talk about my body.

I don't really feel like I'm 'female-bodied'. I never have. Even in my years of attempting to embrace all things female-nature and immersing myself in all things feminist, I still felt like an outsider. I assumed this was because I was fat. Or a dyke. Or had small breasts. Or didn't have a pretty face. Or some other way of not fitting into female standards. And all of these things are true, and I'm not going to go back and label myself something I didn't claim for myself at the time (how postmodern of me). But I think it's okay to analyze the same feelings and align them with the feelings I've had more recently.

If someone were to come up to me on the street (though who would do that) and ask how I am (not who I am, since I can't really be summed up based on the gender of my body and my head), I would say I'm a transguy. Which is short for "trans-bodied guy". And to be real, I can't say my identity has been 'trans' all my life, but I could almost say my body has been trans my whole life. It's never fit. It's always been parts of both worlds, never feeling settled in either. Ultimately, never fitting my identity.

My body is strange and foreign and familiar. I can't even imagine what it looks like to someone else. I don't know if they're as fascinated by the differences and similarities, often located within close proximity. Even after I finally get chest surgery, I don't think this will be cured -- only my wardrobe problems will be possibly alleviated. It's hard to think what I would look like in the mirror and whether it would be different or same or better. Probably mostly different. And obviously better too, because otherwise why would I spend the money and risk my life? (yes, yes, I know the procedure is relatively safe, but there are always risks)

I'm intrigued by biological mens bodies, because I've have the least close up experience with them. The more I pay attention to men in public environments, the better I feel about myself. I fit well within the standard average, which gives my mind some comfort.

I don't have many problems with physical intimacy in my current relationship. I don't even necessarily have problems when I hop into bed with someone, at least not immediately. But once it goes past a one-nighter, I'm more likely to get freaked out. Sometimes I think the only long-term partnership I'd be able to develop if my current one should change/dissolve is with another transguy, or possibly a transwoman. Someone else who's body doesn't match either end, and that's actually not the end of the world. In fact, we might even like it a little bit more than the standard.