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raybearAnd I did have a little fun last night, in honor of MelRo's birthday. I know she was was stressed about the planning aspects, but I think it was a fabulous spontaneous grill out with lots of people who adore her and wanted to help celebrate. Besides, the initial lack of grilling tools made for more entertainment -- nothing like sticking a small plastic fork into an open flame and then flinging a meat patty onto the ground to get a round of laughs from partygoers. Of course, I'm absolutely exhausted today since we were up late and I had a steady amount of drink. Mostly vodka before and after the outdoors portion of the event and a cider during the actual picnic.
I also feel I've finally cracked into the mystery of her friends group occasionally know as the Hyde Park Posse despite none of them actually living in Hyde Park anymore. Now even the least social of the group all say hello to me, ask me how I'm doing, and give me a firm handshake on their way out the door -- and most of the others will actually ask specifics about my life and remember what I do for a living. I'd like to say my charming personality has won them over, but it's probably more likely my persistence that did the trick. And none of them are bad eggs at all, just operating in a different world than I, which was evident last night in the discussions about men painting their toenails and women showing their breasts while breastfeeding. But mostly I was thoroughly amused during the evening and found the entire event most enjoyable, despite my obvious exhaustion.
I keep thinking of this line from an At the Drive In song, "I write to remember cause I'm a million miles away". Because lately I've felt a million miles away and I keep pressing myself to write things down, to try and pull out what I've been thinking/feeling, or at the very least recording what's going on so I can look back later and have evidence to support my hindsight conclusion.
I think I know why I'm most comfortable watching movies and playing role-playing type video games for the same reasons that I've been fantasizing a lot about being in relationships (friendship and otherwise) with other people -- I'm not just dissociating from what's currently going on and stressing me out, it's more that I'm taking myself out of the vacuum and putting myself in test laboratories. I don't really want to engage in a fugue and go off and restart every single aspect of my life with new people and new settings, but whenever I'm struggling with nascent identities and ideas emerging, I feel the need to 'test' them, try them on, see how they fit. It's like I'm going through some sort of changes in my personality and I want to run some tests on them before they make an appearance on the showroom floor.
I need to stop these metaphors. They're getting out of control.
But it's how I think. Everything's relational, everything's a reference. I could argue about the presence of archetypes, but for me it even goes beyond the general life principles and journeys and down to the minute details. The mythlogical images have personal meaning to me -- I imagine my subconscious as the brain of Zeus, waiting to pop Athena out fully formed and ready for battle.
So I guess that's what I'm saying. Athena's getting some practice in my head, getting a feel for the outside world before I kick her out and watch her hit the ground running. I didn't use to have this much forwarning about these instances of change, and I haven't decided if it's better or worse. It's not something I talk about. Ever. I never discuss it with anyone else except in vague, general terms until it's been birthed, and I get extremely cranky, angry, upset if I feel I'm being the least bit probed for information, which is probably why I was agitated at therapy last week, though to her credit she didn't really press me reveal anything. I just feared she would, so I got automatically defensive.
But for the most part, this is my period of the High Priestess. Shhhh, no talking allowed. Not even to ask if I want to talk. The card will turn around and then you won't be able to shut me up.
I also feel I've finally cracked into the mystery of her friends group occasionally know as the Hyde Park Posse despite none of them actually living in Hyde Park anymore. Now even the least social of the group all say hello to me, ask me how I'm doing, and give me a firm handshake on their way out the door -- and most of the others will actually ask specifics about my life and remember what I do for a living. I'd like to say my charming personality has won them over, but it's probably more likely my persistence that did the trick. And none of them are bad eggs at all, just operating in a different world than I, which was evident last night in the discussions about men painting their toenails and women showing their breasts while breastfeeding. But mostly I was thoroughly amused during the evening and found the entire event most enjoyable, despite my obvious exhaustion.
I keep thinking of this line from an At the Drive In song, "I write to remember cause I'm a million miles away". Because lately I've felt a million miles away and I keep pressing myself to write things down, to try and pull out what I've been thinking/feeling, or at the very least recording what's going on so I can look back later and have evidence to support my hindsight conclusion.
I think I know why I'm most comfortable watching movies and playing role-playing type video games for the same reasons that I've been fantasizing a lot about being in relationships (friendship and otherwise) with other people -- I'm not just dissociating from what's currently going on and stressing me out, it's more that I'm taking myself out of the vacuum and putting myself in test laboratories. I don't really want to engage in a fugue and go off and restart every single aspect of my life with new people and new settings, but whenever I'm struggling with nascent identities and ideas emerging, I feel the need to 'test' them, try them on, see how they fit. It's like I'm going through some sort of changes in my personality and I want to run some tests on them before they make an appearance on the showroom floor.
I need to stop these metaphors. They're getting out of control.
But it's how I think. Everything's relational, everything's a reference. I could argue about the presence of archetypes, but for me it even goes beyond the general life principles and journeys and down to the minute details. The mythlogical images have personal meaning to me -- I imagine my subconscious as the brain of Zeus, waiting to pop Athena out fully formed and ready for battle.
So I guess that's what I'm saying. Athena's getting some practice in my head, getting a feel for the outside world before I kick her out and watch her hit the ground running. I didn't use to have this much forwarning about these instances of change, and I haven't decided if it's better or worse. It's not something I talk about. Ever. I never discuss it with anyone else except in vague, general terms until it's been birthed, and I get extremely cranky, angry, upset if I feel I'm being the least bit probed for information, which is probably why I was agitated at therapy last week, though to her credit she didn't really press me reveal anything. I just feared she would, so I got automatically defensive.
But for the most part, this is my period of the High Priestess. Shhhh, no talking allowed. Not even to ask if I want to talk. The card will turn around and then you won't be able to shut me up.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-20 09:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-20 09:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-20 10:20 am (UTC)never mind that, actually, there are times during the year (at purim, say, and passover) when having fun is basically a requirement.
hmm... maybe i'll do a purim party this year.
anyways, yeah, i tend to only try new things once i've rehearsed them over and over and nurtured them in my subconscious and all that good stuff... i hate trying things and doing it awkwardly, prefer to have a sense of what i am doing and how to do it before i start.
i rehearse entire conversations before i pick up the phone.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-20 11:43 am (UTC)Work on that, will you?
(Also, two days ago, I referred to someone as a parking nazi and then remembered your post, immediately felt guilty, then defensive, then came to the conclusion that in this particular individuals case, I didn't feel that 'Nazi' was excessive. I have no doubt that given governmental support, they would, in fact, murder, simply over the cause of correct parking. And then I went on with my day.)
no subject
Date: 2002-08-20 11:51 am (UTC)Maybe Kansas is calling, but I keep ignoring the phone. I should pick up more often.
Also, the word 'nazi' slips out of my own mouth more than I'd like. I get mad at the people who used it and spread it to me -- it's like virus that never fully leaves your system. Like herpes. It's about suppressing it.
Re:
Date: 2002-08-20 03:05 pm (UTC)I don't make phone calls anymore. I don't answer the phone at all. When I get home from work, the last thing I want to do is talk.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-20 12:14 pm (UTC)but. whenever, wherever, honey. it's always a good idea, remember?
no subject
Date: 2002-08-20 01:25 pm (UTC)