raybear | (no subject)

Is it weird that on two occasions in the past couple days I have almost called my current gf by my ex-gf's name? It sort of horrifies me. Like I don't trust my own brain and it's processing ability.

I guess I'm also just scared that I'm trying to tell myself something -- like it's a warning of some sort. Or at least a wake-up call. It feels even weirder that it happened during moments when Melanie was NOT doing anything remotely related to something my ex used to do or say or whatever. I think my brain is affected by the weather and timing -- at this time last year, I had just come out to my ex and we were trying to figure out how my trans stuff was going to fit into our existing relationship (and problems). It might also explain my current mood, which is sort of withdrawn and introverted. And removed. What's scary to me is that I'm not sure anyone around me even notices. I suspect Melanie does -- she sort of asked me last night. I'm hoping she just has faith that I'll tell her about it eventually, and she's not just too nervous to ask me.
I want a week of hiding in my apartment. Or at least a day or two. I think I just need a big chunk of time to myself, with no acting out of obligation. Maybe I can jet early from the bookstore tonight.....