raybear | Every evening, I have a by-myself meeting.

I'm obsessed with money today. What I owe, what I want to buy, what I want to payoff, what I want to have. I keep thinking about how long until I pay off one card, or all cards, and whether I should buy equipment a little bit later with some cash, or a lot later with all cash, or now with more credit. Hmm. Maybe only if I can pay it off in 6 months. Also, I periodically scan through the catalog of federal domestic assistance and think ridiculous thoughts -- like starting a farm so I can get a grant. Maybe I should just enroll in grad school instead, then I'll qualify for thousands upon thousands of dollars. Sure, I'll owe more money than I do now, but at least it will be consolidated and to one person: Miss Sallie Mae.

It started with watching Scratch, which gave me dreams of mixing and blending. I'm currently salivating over the idea of new turntables. My current ones are absolute crap. I mean, they're just super for playing records, but that's it. No juggling, scratching, stopping, starting, mixing, etc. etc. You know, those required elements for the type of DJing I want to do. I'd pretty much just assumed I'd pick up a pair of Technics when the time came, but I've been reading product reviews of Numark's TTX1. More drool on the keyboard. Why do I torture myself?

I should be better about the beans and rice diet. It's a great way to save money and probably even drop a pants size or two, which would be bad beacuse then I'd have to spend more money on clothes. Or just buy lots of rope and tie my pants to me. What shoes go well with rope?

But why torture myself with repetitive food when there's so many opportunities for other delicious items? It's so hard for me to justify not spending 5 dollars more on a meal that's way tastier, because after all, what's 5 bucks? A lot if added up over 6 months, I suppose.

I need a life coach. Not just a personal trainer to wake me up in the morning and make me exercise with the dog, but someone who will also make my lunch and give me an allowance and keep me to a strict budget. Or maybe I just need a mom.

Or maybe I need to start acting like a person who has a concrete future I'm trying to envision with the resources to possibly make it happen if I would just stop being so whiney and lazy. That sounds so adult.