You're such a guy.

[raybear]

I never understand such statements. I suppose as a tranny it's supposed to make me all warm and fuzzy inside when someone insists because of the way I butter my bread I must inherently be male. And admittedly, there were a few times back in the beginning of my transition that such comments did bring a certain amount of satisfaction and reassurance, but I think that had more to do with the delicate nature of my nascent masculinity and identity, versus my belief that I have inherent male or female characteristics. I mean, sure I do. I've lived as both so of course I have some conditioning in both arenas. But that doesn't mean I think them biologically based or, even scarier, completely immutable.

But it's hard for me to get upset when people say things like this. Normally I just blankly stare, my brain pausing momentarily to try and understand what the comment means, and then inevitably realizing that I can't confirm or deny such accusations (I call them such, since that's often how they feel). I wonder, am I missing something? (since people seem to make such comments a lot.)

I wonder why I feel so free floating, so unable to form a solid opinion. And I realized it's because I don't really have information for the argument further down the line. If I say "that's not why I'm a guy" and then they say "then what is?" So, what is it? I obviously can't say biology. At least not fully. Biology is part of it, since I have biological characteristics of a man, which I very much enjoy. But having a beard or a hairy belly or broad shoulders isn't what makes me a guy either.

I honestly have no idea. I just know. And that actually means more to me. The fact that despite being told thousands of times that I'm something else, and that for years and years I looked in the mirror and saw something else, I still know. I just know.

Comments

i think it's the way you break hearts.

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

i don't know what to write, but i wanted you to know i read this and this is really moving to me.

[zenchump.livejournal.com]

I like how you put into words this thing that's disturbing. "you're such a guy" makes me queasy and also feels like someone is in that moment granting me full permission to be a guy. Hey! I didn't ask for your fucking permission! I am, and it's not because I'm dumb, messy, socially awkward, or defensive.

fuck.

I sometimes wish other people had to think about gender as much as I have. But then, I didn't come up with many answers, so why should I expect that they would?

hehe.

no. I am a guy.
and then I also butter my bread like this.

is it in my chemical makeup? is it in my brain structure, my genes, my early experiences?

I'm a guy. be done with it.

I don't ever say "you are such a girl" but sometimes...sometimes I think it. But what I'm really observing is that someone fits neatly into a stereotype for a second or two. I hope that people are saying that I'm "acting" like such a "stereotypical guy" when they say I'm such a guy...

ok well. ramble over.
please return to your regularly scheduled thinking.

Re: i think it's the way you break hearts.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

awwww, thanks.

(you even gave me the chonies pic!!)

[masscooper.livejournal.com]

Uhm, I just wanted to tell you how much I adore your new icon.

That is all.