raybear | You're such a guy.

I never understand such statements. I suppose as a tranny it's supposed to make me all warm and fuzzy inside when someone insists because of the way I butter my bread I must inherently be male. And admittedly, there were a few times back in the beginning of my transition that such comments did bring a certain amount of satisfaction and reassurance, but I think that had more to do with the delicate nature of my nascent masculinity and identity, versus my belief that I have inherent male or female characteristics. I mean, sure I do. I've lived as both so of course I have some conditioning in both arenas. But that doesn't mean I think them biologically based or, even scarier, completely immutable.

But it's hard for me to get upset when people say things like this. Normally I just blankly stare, my brain pausing momentarily to try and understand what the comment means, and then inevitably realizing that I can't confirm or deny such accusations (I call them such, since that's often how they feel). I wonder, am I missing something? (since people seem to make such comments a lot.)

I wonder why I feel so free floating, so unable to form a solid opinion. And I realized it's because I don't really have information for the argument further down the line. If I say "that's not why I'm a guy" and then they say "then what is?" So, what is it? I obviously can't say biology. At least not fully. Biology is part of it, since I have biological characteristics of a man, which I very much enjoy. But having a beard or a hairy belly or broad shoulders isn't what makes me a guy either.

I honestly have no idea. I just know. And that actually means more to me. The fact that despite being told thousands of times that I'm something else, and that for years and years I looked in the mirror and saw something else, I still know. I just know.