Don't get angry with yourself.

[raybear]

Someone told me recently that I seem lost and unhappy. Or maybe that they worry I'm such.

I immediately wanted to deny the statement, but it seemed like a knee-jerk reaction. So I decided to think about it.

And think and think and think and think. That was almost 2 days ago. I still don't know. I worry it's true, but I'm not sure. Then I think, well, if I can't explicitly deny it, doesn't that imply it's true? Indicates that I'm so lost I can even see that I'm lost?

I'm really good with driving directions. I'm excellent at finding locations I've never been, and I can almost always point which way is north. Even if I mess up on my way to a location, I never feel like I'm lost, because I know what went wrong and how to fix it, even if it means back tracking or going around. To me, being lost implies not only do you not know where you're going, but you don't know where you currently.
Maybe I am lost. Am I unhappy? I don't know. I don't feel unhappy. I don't feel particularly happy either though, so again, does the default indicate some truth I'm missing?

I haven't been unhappy in a long, long time. I've been depressed, but that somehow feels different. Maybe I've just forgotten what it's like.

Comments

[raybear.livejournal.com]

right now i feel completely fixated on tangible items -- not just possesions per se, but also concrete things like where i work or how i look. and everything that could make me happy in that realm is out of reach because of time or money or both. e.g. getting new turntables, having time to practice on said turntables, having regular paying gigs, quitting my job to do music full-time, getting chest surgery, etc.

but they aren't impossible to reach. i think i just need to refocus on the road ahead, rather than down at my feet and tripping over myself.

[danielray.livejournal.com]

hm, adrian and i were talking about how we want it to be *next year* so that certain unavoidable processes will be over and done with... (on my end, having mad issues with the physical in-betweenness of the first couple of years on t, and a very tangible sense that that won't be an issue in a year or 2.) (and i would definitely like a job i am satisfied with or the option to quit my job and get paid for art or something, but that doesn't feel so much in reach right now.)

bu then again... i get disatisfied if i am *too* forward-looking, because then i forget about where my own feet are right now. so maybe the thing is to feel like i am on a road going *somewhere* and then chill out and enoy the process.