The Art of the Apology

[raybear]

I have stupidly high standards when it comes to people apologizing to me. And they may even be horrifically hypocritical, though no one's even confronted me about my own style and methods of asking for forgiveness, so I don't exactly know.

I hate when people apologize for something while in the middle of it. And by "it" I normally mean a pattern of behavior or a mood, not so much a concrete activity. This sounds weird, but maybe if I provide a concrete example: I hate when someone comes up to me and offers an apology/disclaimer about how they're acting, like saying 'I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I act weird today because I'm just in a bad mood and I don't mean anything by it if I act badly towards you.' I don't like this, because I feel the person isn't truly apologizing -- they're instead asking for permission to treat me like shit. It puts all the responsibility on me -- I'm supposed to approach with care, or somehow supposed to avoid the behavior because I'm just bringing it on myself since they warned me. Not cool. If the person is so aware of what's going on in their head, they can be busy doing something to fix it rather than spending their time pre-apologizing and asking me for permission.

I'm bothered by extraneous apologies. By this, I mean it's not related to the problem/conflict in a practical way. If I confront someone about a mistake they made, I'm not doing it to hear them grovel -- I'm doing to to fix the situation. I want explanations and accountabilities and discussions on how to prevent in the future, not just endless apologies about the actual error. We're all human, we all make mistakes, let's just talk about this mistake for what it is, which is not a global comment on your inherent worth as a human being.

I hate over-apologizing. It's like grandstanding. It deflects attention away from the matter at hand and brings more attention to the wrongdoing party. I don't want to hear about how you're a horrible person and that you're sorry for things you should be sorry for just so I'll say "no you're not a bad person". It rings hollow. Like you're not apologizing to make me feel better, you're apologizing to make you feel better. I hate that.
I had to apologize a lot as a kid, but I rarely heard my parents ever apologize. I think that's why I can be a gloater sometimes, and adamant scorekeeper. It thrilled me to finally have concrete proof that they didn't something wrong, even if they wouldn't apologize for it.

I take forgiveness very seriously, and I never want to apologize when I don't mean it. This might be why I get upset when "I'm sorry" gets thrown around excessively and devoid of meaning.

Comments

[limenal.livejournal.com]

I hate when people apologize for something while in the middle of it. And by "it" I normally mean a pattern of behavior or a mood, not so much a concrete activity. This sounds weird, but maybe if I provide a concrete example: I hate when someone comes up to me and offers an apology/disclaimer about how they're acting, like saying 'I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I act weird today because I'm just in a bad mood and I don't mean anything by it if I act badly towards you.' I don't like this, because I feel the person isn't truly apologizing -- they're instead asking for permission to treat me like shit. It puts all the responsibility on me -- I'm supposed to approach with care, or somehow supposed to avoid the behavior because I'm just bringing it on myself since they warned me. Not cool. If the person is so aware of what's going on in their head, they can be busy doing something to fix it rather than spending their time pre-apologizing and asking me for permission.

That's interesting - I feel exactly the opposite, because I'd prefer to have advance warning that someone's behavior isn't about something I did. Of course, this stems from my tendency to assume that every rude thing done to me is a response to some injury I already caused, knowingly or not. I also don't think that the pre-apology truly puts the responsibility on me, because I don't think there's automatically an implicit request to change my behavior or the threat of an "I told you so" if my feelings get hurt. But, I don't know.

Hmmm.

[drood.livejournal.com]

I'm extreeeeeeemely picky about the apologies I accept.

I don't accept apologies that are a compound sentence in which the second half begins with, "but you. . . .".

I don't accept apologies that are tossed at me like a brick, in a belligerent tone of voice.

I don't accept apologies that aren't apologies at all, but are more along the lines of "I'm SORRY that you're the way you ARE."

I just like a simple apology that expresses sorrow for things that were said or done, and acknowledges what upset me about them.

hold me now, hard for me to say i'm sorry...

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

I'm supposed to approach with care, or somehow supposed to avoid the behavior because I'm just bringing it on myself since they warned me. Not cool. If the person is so aware of what's going on in their head, they can be busy doing something to fix it rather than spending their time pre-apologizing and asking me for permission.

the pre-apology. hi totally annoying. you said everything in this entry that i could ever have hoped to say about the nature of "i'm sorry."

this entry is incredible.

i'm sorry that i have to tell you this.

sorry seems to be the hardest words.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

it's sad. so sad. it's a sad sad situation.

i'm sorry i missed your phone call. i'm sorry i was trapped in an SUV and couldn't get it out of my coat pocket. i'm sorry we haven't been able to talk. i'm sorry my friend from ohio is here and not you. sorry sorry sorry.

HA!

this weekend. talk. we will.

Re: sorry seems to be the hardest words.

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry that i'm jumping down with excitement about our upcoming phone conversation.