Online journaling.

[raybear]

Thanks for comments in my last poll and giving lots of which to ponder.

There wasn't a specific incident that spurned this sudden need to change. Well, there sort of was, but it doesn't really make sense, which tells me I have other things going on and it was just a trigger. It's more a general feel of uneasiness, not in the typical way of "I fear someone will judge me for writing this" since most of the people who read my journal seem cool with most of whatever I throw out there, but more that I'm suddenly feeling out of control about how people are seeing me or how they think I am. Obviously I can't control what people think about me and it's impossible to every fully be understood, which is not my goal anyway. But, it made me wonder if by allowing too much access to the general public (or even just people on my friends list) I might be contributing to the dynamic.

More importantly, this is about myself and my own level of sharing and why I write what I write and for whom am I writing. I am a split person, this is what I've come to realize lately. I have this internal sense of self that is separate and different from my extrenal sense of self, and one of my current personal journeys is about uniting myself. In general my method for trying to do this involved taking personal information and just pushing it out for anyone to take. And while I pride myself on being open, I'm not an extrovert. So pushing myself out doesn't rejuvenate me, it drains.

Last week my therapist asked if I liked myself, if I liked Ray. Inside I was saying 'yes! yes! yes!' but my mouth didn't open. After a minute, I said 'I want to say yes, though my hesitancy obviously indicates something else is going on.'

I think when people talk about liking themselves, they list outer personality characteristics, such as "I have a nice job, I don't murder people, I have nice friends." And while I certainly I'm proud of certain external successes, for the most part I think my internal identity is valuable and amazing and great, but something gets lost in the translation when it becomes my personality and I feel disappointed in my behavior and actions (or lack thereof). Talking about this made me realize this exactly mirrors my whole gender experience, as far as feeling very satisfied and confident inside myself, but whenever I looked in the mirror or got treated by others as a 'girl' I got frustrated and upset that how I saw myself was not coming through.

In other words, I realized how much I have a pattern that applies to several aspects of my identity and personality.

So I think instead of continuing to push outwards, I need to instead pull inward. And this is where my online journaling came into the bigger picture of everyday behavior.

For those that know tarot, my most recent reading had an outcome of Temperance reversed, which can mean losing balance in your life, but it can also be about intentionally breaking apart a dualism that's no longer working. I both apply, but the latter especially.

I've decided I will make more private posts, just so I can write something for me and only me. Sort of the equivalent of folks out there who keep paper journals as well as a livejournal. And I might make more smaller-friends groups posts too (i.e. filters), not so much because I'm wanting to shut certain people out of my life, but more because I want to be more intentional about what I reveal and to who. But for the most part, I don't think anyone will necessarily notice these changes.

If for some strange reason you're concerned that you won't be getting enough raybear and you haven't left a comment in the poll, it's not too late:

the poll from yesterday.

Comments

[ex-divalibby633.livejournal.com]

ok.....but I'd miss you if I couldnt see you. I like you.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

aw, thanks, but don't worry. you'll still be seeing me on your friends page.

[ex-divalibby633.livejournal.com]

YAY!!!

*hugs the raybear*

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

i like ray!!! <3 <3 <3. even though you're a playa. does that count?

[sean7232.livejournal.com]

good idea to make private posts, and i like these reflections on self-splitting...if you didn't guess, I can easily identify with lots of different types of people cause I have a weak sense of self, i think--so I appreciate the internal conflict regarding personality...I spent alot of adolescence reading Kohut which is this post-Freudian who focus alot on projective identification and self processes...

[kaidude.livejournal.com]

Yeah... hear you on that whole part about internal self-image vs. projected self-image... I think I do like myself quite some bit: my values, intellect, beliefes, attitudes, outlook etc... but when I look at what I do and how I relate to the outside world, I feel like a borin' 'lil fart. Same thing with the gender issue... bein' treated like a 'girl' can ruin my day.

That's why I write extensively on LJ... very therapeutic and cathartic =]

[raybear.livejournal.com]

I think journaling has done wonders for me in general -- I started solely to document my physical transition, but ended up focusing more on my larger self and how everything about me is constantly transitioning.

But it's weird to think about how my writing has changed now that I know so many people are reading it. I don't mind being open and sharing, I just don't want to compromise my own ability to be honest and thoughtful.

Thanks for your comment!