raybear | Non-monogamy

I am currently in a nonmonogamous relationship. It is not polyamorous, in that I have ongoing outside relationships. I have one relationship. My primary emotional support is with her, my primary social support is her, and my primary sexual partner is her. But I have lots of friends, because I like a variety of social support as well as a variety of emotional support. So why is it a huge deal to occasionally want a variety of sexual experience? NOW...this does not mean I fuck whoever I want, whenever I want however I want. Some nonmonogamous people have those rules and that's fine. But I don't. Partly because I'm a control freak -- I like to know exactly what's going on. Partly because I can sometimes be jealous -- and again, I like to know what's going on. Partly because of health and safety issues -- I can't be giving blowjobs to random guys then bringing back chlamydia to my primary partner. Mostly because I love and like honesty. Honesty is more important to me than monogamy. Which means I believe in fidelity, not monogamy. My g.e. and I have a lot of rules for our nonmonogamy. If possible, we tell the other person ahead of time so there's a veto opportunity. We tend to dislike repeat players, so to speak. We also don't want outside sexual experiences to replace relationship sex, nor do we want it to interfere with time together. Outside sex shouldn't be used instead of communicating problems, nor should it be used as a "weapon" of some sort against the other person. Neither one of us is really looking for outside experiences at this time, though it might happen later (like this summer when we're apart for over 2 months). We also don't really engage in any current group play activities, though it might happen later. The rules with nonmonogamy are that we make the rules, and that we are always honest. Nonmonogamy is ALWAYS negotiable. I would much rather have a discussion about straight up emotional inseucrities and jealousy with out having to have additional conversations about betrayal and lying and distrust. For me, nonmonogamy is also about trusting our commitment to each other. I know that if she gets drunk and makes out with a friend who's in town, it's not because she doesn't want to be with me. Sometimes things happen. And if I decide I want to hook up with a boy just for the experience, it's not because I'm not satisfied with her or our relationship. And it's not because I"m careless about our relationship. It's because I'm a complex sexual person who works hard at expressing everything about my sexuality. I still masturbate even though I'm in a sexual relationship, and it's not just because I'm aroused and she doesn't want to have sex. Sometimes I masturbate for the express reason that it is something I'm doing by myself. Its alone time. For me, integrating masturbation sex routines into a sexual relationship can be similar to integrating outside experiences. As long as both partners agree and understand and trust and one activity isn't sabotaging or interfering with the primary relationship, then I feel the primary result is fidelity and satisfaction.

I never question anyone's decision to be monogamous, though I do sometimes wonder if people think thoroughly about what it entails and how it plays out. And I'm NOT saying that you have to "try" non-monogamy before you can really choose monogamy -- I'm just saying that most folks would probably benefit from a cafeul examination of their own desires and how it affect emotional realtionships.