Non-monogamy

[raybear]

I am currently in a nonmonogamous relationship. It is not polyamorous, in that I have ongoing outside relationships. I have one relationship. My primary emotional support is with her, my primary social support is her, and my primary sexual partner is her. But I have lots of friends, because I like a variety of social support as well as a variety of emotional support. So why is it a huge deal to occasionally want a variety of sexual experience? NOW...this does not mean I fuck whoever I want, whenever I want however I want. Some nonmonogamous people have those rules and that's fine. But I don't. Partly because I'm a control freak -- I like to know exactly what's going on. Partly because I can sometimes be jealous -- and again, I like to know what's going on. Partly because of health and safety issues -- I can't be giving blowjobs to random guys then bringing back chlamydia to my primary partner. Mostly because I love and like honesty. Honesty is more important to me than monogamy. Which means I believe in fidelity, not monogamy. My g.e. and I have a lot of rules for our nonmonogamy. If possible, we tell the other person ahead of time so there's a veto opportunity. We tend to dislike repeat players, so to speak. We also don't want outside sexual experiences to replace relationship sex, nor do we want it to interfere with time together. Outside sex shouldn't be used instead of communicating problems, nor should it be used as a "weapon" of some sort against the other person. Neither one of us is really looking for outside experiences at this time, though it might happen later (like this summer when we're apart for over 2 months). We also don't really engage in any current group play activities, though it might happen later. The rules with nonmonogamy are that we make the rules, and that we are always honest. Nonmonogamy is ALWAYS negotiable. I would much rather have a discussion about straight up emotional inseucrities and jealousy with out having to have additional conversations about betrayal and lying and distrust. For me, nonmonogamy is also about trusting our commitment to each other. I know that if she gets drunk and makes out with a friend who's in town, it's not because she doesn't want to be with me. Sometimes things happen. And if I decide I want to hook up with a boy just for the experience, it's not because I'm not satisfied with her or our relationship. And it's not because I"m careless about our relationship. It's because I'm a complex sexual person who works hard at expressing everything about my sexuality. I still masturbate even though I'm in a sexual relationship, and it's not just because I'm aroused and she doesn't want to have sex. Sometimes I masturbate for the express reason that it is something I'm doing by myself. Its alone time. For me, integrating masturbation sex routines into a sexual relationship can be similar to integrating outside experiences. As long as both partners agree and understand and trust and one activity isn't sabotaging or interfering with the primary relationship, then I feel the primary result is fidelity and satisfaction.

I never question anyone's decision to be monogamous, though I do sometimes wonder if people think thoroughly about what it entails and how it plays out. And I'm NOT saying that you have to "try" non-monogamy before you can really choose monogamy -- I'm just saying that most folks would probably benefit from a cafeul examination of their own desires and how it affect emotional realtionships.

Comments

[brucebanner.livejournal.com]

You and I have so much in common [trying not to assume] I feel that non-monog makes me know myself more than anything ever has. Despite the ASPs/AQPs saying that my 'lifestyle' makes me indiscriminate about sex partners, I have found that if anything, I have more boundries and am MORE discriminate in sex partners than ANYONE out there.

I am poly in that I *DO* have relationships that are sex++ AND many friendships that include sex.

I think however, that what you said about honesty is not necissarily an Ethical Slut issue. I mean, dishonesty is not a normal part of non-monogamy. I find that communication makes us more honest and puts the 'ethical' in ES.

Furthermore, I find that combining ES and sXe is hard, but I feel that I can do it. C & I actually got into the only fight of our friendship over my vocal desire to combine the two. She felt/feels that having sex w/ more than one person is NOT part of the sXe life. Yet, I still feel that having 'one-way' sex and using my personal sex honor code does not in any way violate the sXe sex code of safe, committed sex within a warm relationship (as opposed to casual sex). And since my sex is anything but casual, I think I can combine. We are still don't really agree 100% on this topic together, but I think we understand and respect one another enough to not kill each other over it. [yet]

Tea W/ Jam & Bread,
Joe

Tea and Consequences

[raybear.livejournal.com]

It's so refreshing and validating to find people who aren't "monogamy-is-the-end-all-be-all-and-what's-wrong-with-you-for-thinking-otherwise?" Another thing I like about nonmonogamy is that my current construct of a relationship is not the only thing I"m interested in. I think the current setup is heavily influenced by our two personality types. If I was with a totally different type person, I might have a completely new set of rules -- I might be more poly or even have more sex partners. Or who knows? In five year I might have a whole new set of rules but with the same person. But right now I feel that my situation is tailor-made for me and for our relationship, which I hope will ultimately let us be together longer and in better ways.

As far as honesty and ethical slutness, I should clarify that honesty does not necessarily mean telling each other everything -- You could have an arrangement where partners DONT share outside experience, but agree to accept each other choices and activities. So in a sense, you would be honest about your situation and feelings, without being sharing every detail. I think your right in saying that honesty and non-monogamy don't go automatically hand-in-hand, but that's in part because nonmonogamy gets a bad rep and gets associated with cheating. So I think I tend to "reclaim" nonmonogamy, and say things like "Real nonmonogamy has honesty". I'm redefining nonmonogamy to basically mean ethical slutness. And why should monogamy automatically get paired with honesty, when so many couples I know who are monogamous are not honest about their desires and feelings?
Hmmm, can you tell that I have strong feelings about this issue?

That's cool about combining policies with sXe and I tend to agree. I like to think in terms of "healthy" and "unhealthy", versus "right" and "wrong". So "promiscuous sex" (having sex with different partners fairly often -- whatever that means) can be healthy if you're honest, fair, caring, and positive. But it can be unhealthy if if's associated with lying, unsafe practices, low self-esteem, etc. etc. So I prefer to live a like that's dictated by being healthy and positive, rather than dictating what actions I can or can't do.

It's great rapping with you about this issue. Oh, and by the way, I would never have sex ON my turntables -- I love them too much and put too much money into them. But sex in the turntable booth.....hmmm......

kisses and strap-ons,
WonderBoyBread