Days go by and still I think of you.

[raybear]

I just briefly considered renaming my journal to "you think you know, but you have no idea", but I couldn't personally handle having something so attached to me being aligned with an MTV catchphrase, no matter how damned perfectly it matches. Then again, I constantly say "whaddup....doc" in Redman's voice which comes from watching multiple marathons of Cribs. But whatever, back to the matter at hand.

Here's what I've discovered about my very public journal. Sure, other people will read it and misinterpret it on a near-daily basis and that's fine. I mean, it's not great or happy or even pleasant at all times, but I understand it's the nature of the beast and has always been that way. What suprises me are when I don't even understand what the hell I was talking about, when I go back and read an entry months or weeks or even days later. But I'm okay with that. I don't pass judgment on myself, even if I did sound like an ass (or a crazy ass) at the time. I also resist all urges to go back and edit anything. I'd rather just let it stand as a testament to my moment of humanity. Sure, whatever works.

I feel so lucky to have people floating around in the ether who like to read my words, who offer feedback and validation and most importantly their eyes and brains. I don't take any of that for granted. It's just sometimes I tire of explaining myself. Am I talking about you right now? No. No, I'm not. I promise. This is not some passive-aggressive entry about some person's actions towards me that I don't want to confront personally so I'm resort to some bullshit public way of exposing myself. Guess what? I don't do that.

This is just me writing about writing. Writing about connections with audiences and how people write words and feelings and actions into the spaces between paragraphs, the gaps between entries. Even if you could read every entry, including the private ones for myself, no would know. I don't even know and I was there. I obviously like reading other people's words -- I make it about myself and that's why it touches me. But I don't turn it back around and ascribe unknown qualities to the writer and think I know them.

I started thinking about this because I finally started reading my novel after months of ignoring it. And I'm completely in love with my characters. I have no idea if how I know them in my mind comes through the words at all. I'm hoping this break will bring some objectivity. As much objectivity that can come from a smitten author.

Comments

[sometimes-nate.livejournal.com]

"I started thinking about this because I finally started reading my novel after months of ignoring it. And I'm completely in love with my characters. I have no idea if how I know them in my mind comes through the words at all. I'm hoping this break will bring some objectivity. As much objectivity that can come from a smitten author"

I know exactly how you feel. My characters are very real to me, and I do know them as real people, only portions of whose personalities could possibly be shown in a short story or even a novel. The way a character takes on a life of hir own is one of the best perks of being a writer.

Also, a friend of mine once told me not to worry about what someone else thinks of what you write, because they're seeing it from a completely different point of view that you are, and the next person who reads your work will interpret it completely differently from the last person. It's part of being individual and human. I have trouble taking that gem to heart (I take criticism, however constructive, far too personally), but I imagine it's great if it works for you. I think it's wonderful that you have a such a public journal...I don't, for the criticism reason, but I wish I had the courage to do so, because seeing my thoughts through some one else's lense can also be an interesting and educational experience.

Or maybe these are just the ramblings of a sleep-deprived mind.

--Nate

I feel you.

[supergoat.livejournal.com]

I'm not about writing things in my journal passive-aggressively.
No way no how.
If I write about someone they either know who they are because I've already expressed my feelings to them directly - or they are not someone who reads my online journal.

I, too, read my past posts and wonder what the hell I was talking about.
Daily.

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

i just write without one thought of the audience. which is why they are always getting mad at me.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

and that's why your journal is my favorite.

Re:

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

hahah.

[clockwatcher.livejournal.com]

here here, i fear a lot of people (myself included) let fear of judgement (from themselves and others) stop themselves from writing. but then... one thing i've learned from sharing my thoughts with anyone (not just from journalling) is that in hindsight, their misinterpretations might be right on the money for me big picture. how frustrating!

nice

[sean7232.livejournal.com]

that was beautiful meta-cog, boy...do you have more reflections about the experience of writing about writing about writing? just kidding...cheers to non passive-agressive statements!

I don't know if you know what you're talking about...

[(Anonymous)]

...but i don't know what you're talking about.

;)
lynx