raybear | In Which Raybear Quotes Himself

Lately I've been obsessed with reading old entries, noticing how my style has changed and grown as a writer, but also my own perception of what's important to write about and what stays around in the long haul of shaping experiences.

Mostly I've been entertained with myself. Either because I was trying to be funny, or I'm just amused at what I had to say at the time on a subject.

In honor of looking backwards to move forward, I bring you some past Raybear moments. In no particular order at all.

1. But I guess in the end, I'd rather run the risk of being a suicidal-prone transguy than a homicidal-prone bioguy. What can I say -- I'm a giver.

May 1, 2001. This entry caught my eye because I was first discussing the issue of queer-identified dykes dating transguys.

2. I can be very good at obeying orders, assuming I like the person.

December 11, 2001. I'm talking about christmas shopping and resisting the urge to buy something for myself. But oh, how this statement rings true in other areas of my life now.

3. I'm going to stop now. I can't believe I talked about getting busy with Tipper Gore and DMX in the same e-mail. I think I just ripped a whole in the space-time continuum.

Also on 12/11/2001. This perfectly capture my bizarre sexual desires.

4. Friend consolidation is the best act of making-life-easy this side of debt consolidation.

June 4, 2001. See also, December 2002 and

wearemany's advice of "Can this person's problems be solved if they had more friends?"

5. It's really weird when you're feeling something really intensely and think you're being clear, but I look back and realize that I had this front on and wasn't being honest with myself or the other person. I guess I didn't realize I had such a good mask constructed, especially because I feel so transparent when I'm close to someone. I forget that I still have my shell and it's easy for me to hide behind it and wish something just wasn't happening or waiting for it to finish happening. I guess I got close to doing that -- if I had just held on for one more day, I might have made it an entire week without admitting my feelings. So even though I still feel weird and raw and vulnerable for just totally losing it, it's a better end result.

Also June of 2002.
Dear Present-Me,
Here's some advice.
Love, Past-Me.

I forgot that my parents didn't contact me on my birthday this past summer. Oh wait, no, my dad sent an e-card, but my mom didn't. The year before she called me at work and sang to me on the phone. I used to write about my parents. A lot. I don't anymore. Know why? Because not only do I never talk to them but through many patient hours in therapy and writing in journals, I know longer care about not talking to them. I mean, sure I wish they were around and I had a better relationship, but it's no longer a judgment on my self or somehow lowering my value as a person. I feel so proud. I'm glad I don't fight myself on that front anymore.

Thank you for being around livejournal and a constant source of record, entertainment, and a welcome diversion from work.