Reassure me when my heart's not bold enough to bear her name.

[raybear]

Today is better than yesterday which is not saying much but it's saying something which is the first step in writing, I suppose, and I don't normally have such block when my brain and heart are full and brimming with all sorts of delicious and bitter packets of emotions. I'm so looking forward for thie week to be done, not because of horrible plans or painful obligations, but just because there are things I want to be done with and moving on from -- people leaving town for the summer or forever and I want to go to their goodbye dinners and give them their hugs and wish them well and then just move on to having them be in my life but elsewhere. I have time scheduled with friends I haven't seen in far too long and I want to just have it and do it and be done with reconnecting and just say "welcome back" and not feel like there are huge gaping holes because they haven't heard two weeks or two months of stories. I have a DJ gig on Friday that I'm sure will be filled with the usual amounts of excitement and frustration and fun and exhaustion and at the end of the night I'll be glad to have the plain white envelope in my pocket with cash in small bills that simply has the two letter D-J written on the front. I always count it in the car. I put it in the drawer of the mini-dresser in my room next to the box of incense so my money and wallet smell clean and sweet for the next few days or weeks, depending on how frugal I'm living. Even the weekend seems fraught with anxiety-producing activities, though I know in the end I will have great moments at dinners and outings and gatherings and come Monday I'll wonder where I'll my time went though perhaps I'll be happy that I can go home at 5 pm and stay there all evening and not feel an obligation to go out because it's Monday and it's okay to stay home on a Monday night. I come to work with aspirations, this, this will be the day when I get my shit together and finish everything on my desk and reorganize the entire system of paper files and have it all in a computer database with instructions so I could walk out anyday and someone could walk in and take over without a problem and I would get a nice letter of recommendation though I won't need it because I certainly don't want another damn desk job. And at night, the feeling of desire and need would rise and fall and swell to levels of excitement but not possession and I wouldn't worry that every missed opportunity will lead to a moment of regret because it ended too quickly or before my time and I will lie awake at night alone and missing. I can't live a life like that for many reasons, mostly because that's not how I want to be and therefore not who I am. But it's hard because things are still so new and powerful and I still have moments where I can't believe that what I wanted but never imagined would be is actually right in front of me, I can even see it in the mirror when I stumble to the sink first thing in the morning or last thing at night.

I am trying to break your heart. I am trying to break you heart, like Wilco. This is what life whispers in my ear, using my vernacular, familiar to me so I will pay attention, like the morning when I talk back to the universe and they set me straight so I'll be less dismissive. I feel bittersweet in moments that were formerly comfortable, awkward and obligatory and I shift around in the seat of my heart trying to make room for everything and I worry there won't be and I'll break my promise to keep it all together.

But I'm not sad. Don't think I'm sad or depressed or melanocholy, at least not more that I usually am in my waking life. I'm holding, holding it all, wondering about the psychology of illness and wellness and today and tomorrow and 'tomorrow may never may come, for you and me this life is not promised', but there's only limited ways you can live today with that in mind without driving yourself mad, much like there's only so much you can constantly be aware of alone. This is why I never feel pathetic or blame others when they find a way to feel less alone, even if it's only temporary, especially if it's only temporary and especially if they recognize the how and why. Take it if you find it. I grab every moment of connection for it gives me hope in finding it for myself, for the moment when it's not that I stop being alone but I'm okay with being alone. And I don't mean sitting in an empty apartment or on a remote hilltop, but the deep-seated alone that we carry in our soul. I will dwell there and own it and love it and love myself so much and give myself all the things I give lovers and friends and when I look at you and hold you and wish you would never leave, there are tears in my eyes because I've never felt more inside myself then when I'm with you and sometimes when I seem far away it's because being with you is being with myself.

I don't know if what you say about how I feel is true or even if I want it to be.
I think I do.
I think I do want to be what you say I am to you.

Comments

[joelandrewtyson.livejournal.com]

What will you be spinning?

[raybear.livejournal.com]

mostly hip hop/r&b of the pop persuasion. i spin a few house remixes of stuff, but otherwise not too much electronica. at this gig they like lots of songs they can sing along to, especially raunchy sexual ones.

[vimandvigor.livejournal.com]

you really are a beautiful writer.
i'm loosing my two best friends in this city
to far off places. i understand the difficulty.
i "lost it" last week for a while, 'tis not easy.
warmth and comfort to you.

one day I aspire to get to this point...it deserves repeat

[sean7232.livejournal.com]

This is why I never feel pathetic or blame others when they find a way to feel less alone, even if it's only temporary, especially if it's only temporary and especially if they recognize the how and why. Take it if you find it. I grab every moment of connection for it gives me hope in finding it for myself, for the moment when it's not that I stop being alone but I'm okay with being alone. And I don't mean sitting in an empty apartment or on a remote hilltop, but the deep-seated alone that we carry in our soul. I will dwell there and own it and love it and love myself so much and give myself all the things I give lovers and friends and when I look at you and hold you and wish you would never leave, there are tears in my eyes because I've never felt more inside myself then when I'm with you and sometimes when I seem far away it's because being with you is being with myself.