But if I had been a man in reality, than you'd still be here with me.

[raybear]

The morning commute on an extra crowded train goes much faster when listening to Shannon's Let the Music Play (off my class "So Good So Right" mixtape), imagining slowdancing with Melissa Manchester while occasionally interspersing fantasies of hot wax play. These weren't really related, it's more that my brain just kept flipping back between wholesome and dirty, depending on the station and the temporary mood. I'm on a fire/temperature kick, which I didn't fully realize until I accidentally singed off a nice patch of arm hair last night while "playing around" during a movie. I need to come up with a verb that describes kink masturbation -- sometimes I just do random pain play things that aren't related to actually jacking off, but it's not exactly a full scale solo scene or anything. Maybe I'll call it kinking off^TM.

The movie was Brown Sugar which didn't get finished because of phone conversations with Madness Librarian and Denver Boy. I don't know if I've previously nicknamed my friend Denver Boy, but he's one of my oldest and dearest friends from college, and we had lots and lots of catching up to do, which we did for over an hour. We also recommitted to taking a vacation together to Vancouver, possibly a long weekend in the fall. I honestly can't remember exactly why we chose Vancouver, though I suspect it might have to do with the food and the Canadian exchange rate.

During my lunch hour today I'm going to Walgreens to buy the patch. It's time to admit that smoking is affecting my mood, or more accurately, my attempts to reduce smoking are not aiding my depressive states. Today I woke up feeling rather hopeless about my life and my day, but after two sticks on the way into work, I'm feeling more reasonable. I don't like this. I want to be able to engage my own feelings in a genuine fashion without the aid of chemicals. This is partly why I rarely drink.

Though strangely enough, I'm not ready to give up smoking completely. I want to just get the lowest dose patch and maybe take a sabbatical from it. This may not be feasible and I might just get on some yo-yo effect where I go back to smoking and become even more addicted, but it's worth a shot I suppose.

I need to stop writing about this because now I want to step outside. Instead I'm going to pour a big mug of coffee and switch my stimulants.

Today is a work day.

Comments

Re: tobacco struggles

[raybear.livejournal.com]

I used to be able to "just quit" and go for weeks or months without it, then would pick it up casually again without smoking constantly.
But this time I kicked it up a notch and became "a smoker". And since I'm an anxiety/depression prone person, this was probably not a wise choice.

If it was just about the cravings, I think I could knick it. But we're talking about major mood swings here (on top of my moody Cancer self). This morning I felt completely despondent and miserable -- wanting to crawl into bed for days and not talk to ANYONE. And I mean anyone -- including the most beloved folks in my life. Which would of course make me more miserable, I'm sure.

Right now I'm not planning on using the patch every day and I'll probably switch to the lowest dose next time -- almost just more of an "as needed" basis, since the idea of constantly having nicotine in my system isn't terribly appealing to me either. I'll probably also get some more kava kava to supplement my quitting.

Re: tobacco struggles

[vimandvigor.livejournal.com]

i hear the morning feelings. i'm feeling the same way right now. it was a huge feat of effort and determination to get out of bed this morning. i just want to put everything on the back burner and crawl into a hole and lick my wounds (and other parts) until i'm ready to reemerge. there seems to be a general malaise over the city right now, and those who are extra sensitive are being struck harder.