raybear | Born with the [sun] in Cancer

From now on, whenever I'm feeling any sort of moment of emotional clarity and progress and moving forward in my growth as an individual and a human with emotions, remind me to just shut my fcking piehole. Because I swear, it might be three steps forward and one back which is still two steps forward net gain, but it feelings like one step forward and two back, at least in the moment.

I feel uncomfortable in my skin right now, to the point where everything is just a stick being poked through the bars of a cage, tormenting me.

This tells me something. My batteries need recharging. I'm way overdue for some alone time that doesn't somehow include sleeping. Luckily I'm like my iPod, and often just an hour is enough to get me back up to 80%.

There's this meme going around: something like 100 facts or 75 facts or something to that effect. The purpose being you make this long list of numbers and fill the lines in with bits about yourself that people might not know. This appeals to me on some levels, but today I'm the antithesis. I'm building walls and throwing up torches and putting spears in the ground with the skulls of former victims by the door. So I proudly present _____ facts about Raymond that don't tell you a damn thing about who I really am.

1. I read horoscopes obsessively.
2. It doesn't help me be more understanding or proceed with caution, even when they're right.
3. I don't think that's the point of them.
4. I used to love giving people tarot readings, but I realized lately that I now hate it.
5. This corresponded shortly after I had a breakthrough in giving them, where I was able to unleash the floodgates of symbolism and feel awashed in possibly psychic images.
6. I get too exhausted and drained when this happens now, so I end up avoiding giving readings or I give them but stay closed off, so my interpretations are pretty vague or I just read the book alone.
7. Occasionally I'm okay with the experience, so if I offer, you should take me up on it.
8. I rarely even give myself readings because it's too overwhleming and I can sometimes have "nightmares" -- not so much scary dreams but just extremely intense ones that make it hard to re-enter the waking world.
9. I'm fascinated with dreaming and dream interpretations.
10. But only if I do the interpreting. I sometimes get resentful when other people offer interpretations, even though later their insight might be helpful.
11. I hide the resentment okay, but not well.
12. I can hide most resentment well, and when I'm not, it's because I'm unconsciously hoping to get caught and revealed.
13. I loathe myself when this happens. I prefer owning my feelings upfront and not coding.
14. Even though I have strong occult interests, I can still be judgmental of other people's beliefs and spiritual rituals.
15. I keep my mouth shut though because I know better.
16. I can't remember the last time I spoke with my mother not over e-mail.
17. I think this should make me sad.
18. Instead it makes my 'secret' anger towards her build. She might be someone I wouldn't try to hide my resentment from.
19. I hate when my relationship "issues" can be traced to patterns set up by my parents.
20. I hate feeling like a cliche or feeling like my problems are obvious and easy to solve.
21. For some reason I don't feel resentful about relationship issues being traced to astrological roots, even though those are techinically more immutable than my parents.
22. I don't have sex as much as I talk about it.
23. I don't WANT to have sex as much as I talk about it.
24. I've never known what I wanted to be when I grew up.
25. Even when I was five and had to draw a picture in kindergarten and I chose being a police officer because it was the only thing I could think to draw.
26. Half of the things in my life I love forever and the other half often get tossed aside when I'm bored.
27. Well, maybe not half. Probably only a third get left behind.
28. Most of these things left behind are NOT people.
29. Though I'm okay with friendships ending and not making a big deal out of it, assuming it's done naturally and ethically.
30. My first concert was with my parents, where we saw my uncle's blues rock band.
31. My second concert was with my youth group where Amy Grant played at Six Flags.
32. My third concert was with a friend from church where we saw Richard Marx and Wilson Phillips.
33. I pretend that this makes me cool, ironically, but in reality I think it just made me an average teenager.
34. In some ways I was grossly unhappy as a teenager but other time I feel like I was remarkably level-headed and just biding my time for growing up and having my experience match my mind so I could finally fulfill all these grand ideas of who I was as a person.
35. Now I sometimes feel like a failure to that teenage kid.
36. Other times I think I'd be proud of and excited by how my life is.
37. I believe in God.
38. I'm not yet sure about the divine intervention aspect though.
39. I don't have in any god-incarnate type beliefs, whether it be jesus or mohommad or buddha or someone who isn't here yet.
40. I had mandarin oranges with my lunch. I've loved them since childhood.
41. I feel simultaneously humbled and egotistical about people reading this journal.
42. I feel completely different than I did when I started this entry. Another step forward.