All day long, singing the same song

[raybear]

I bored Lowenstein at lunch with talk of work minor problem drama, but sometimes I get overly excited about random non-important topics because I have energy that needs funnelling and if I don't make a conscious effort, it will take the first available outlet, even when it's not worth the time and energy. Sometimes I just need validation that I _should_ be doing something more, I _can_ be doing something more, and soon I _will_ be doing something more. And that's something that stupid work drama certainly accomplishes. I remember in the weeks before quitting both bookstore jobs, I'd get really obsessed with minor issues with co-workers and managers.

I just had deja vu while typing that.

My stomach has been churning a lot today and while I teasingly blamed from NX and Lowenstein for their stories on inedible fat in a truck and gory pro-life signs, respectively, it's not really true to put it on them. Strangely enough, I'm still shaken by my dream. In the middle of smoking a post-lunch cigarette I got hit by the wave of emotion again, but didn't want to mention it aloud and keep talking about it. So I resort to just writing it here again. Too much attachment. Let it go.

I need a siesta. Instead I will try to sit with my hatred for my job, because hate is better than apathy, and perhaps I can channel the anger and energy into accomplishing tasks and helping time pass more quickly.

Or maybe I'll just go back to writing my story.

Comments

sorry i got bored

[dommeyourass.livejournal.com]

mostly i was just thinking, "man...you gotta get out of there...you're starting to get excited about an e-mail exchange about tardiness protocol and a certain co-worker's inability to follow it."

i could think of so many other outlets for your energy. i hate to see it wasted on that. on the flip-side, it was the most excited i've seen you about work in weeks.

xo

Re: sorry i got bored

[raybear.livejournal.com]

no, it's okay. sometimes it's good to have reminders. i think i was partially excited because the work-bitching was entertaining since it was with NextDoorNeighbor co-worker who cracks me up.

I somehow need to find a way to make archiving and labelling catty, then it will be exciting....

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

last night i had this possibly brilliant, possibly useless idea of how to deal with post-nightmare and other trauma effects. do you want to try it with me?

it's like this. if i can handle the idea of labelling and setting aside distractions when i meditate -- i think loudly and clearly, "thinking," and then go back to my breath count -- i'm wondering if i might be able to accomplish the same thing with anxiety. so some kind of environmental trigger -- being downtown among all the skyscrapers -- becomes "trigger" or "anxiety" or "fear" -- i'm having trouble with a good neutral word, if you have any suggestions -- instead of just the first step down the slippery slope of panic.

that, and i love you. but you know that part already.

[bigfatmama.livejournal.com]

i thought your description of your dream was very haunting and i think it deserves some reflection. maybe they aren't children, you know, dream children, the stuff you have in front of you, inside you, okay, blah blah, no more posts till i see red!