raybear | You want to rectify this mad look in my eyes

I heard you twice the first time, subconscious.

The night before, I dreamt of being in the ocean, up to my chest and before swimming and submerging myself, I panicked about not seeing all the oceanic life swimming around my legs. Last night, I dreamt that Damon and I were "trying out" for some sort of swim team -- or it's more like we had to prove we could swim in order to gain membership to a public pool. So we were in giant pool with tons of other guys (it was an all-male tryout) and I was in the pool with swim trunk and no top and I was a little concerned that someone would say something about my chest, but then figured no one would notice. Right before time came to start swimmming, I started to panic again, thinking I should just get out of the water and not risk being ridiculed or being unable to pass the test.

Being submerged in water has obvious meaning when it comes to deep subconscious experiences, swimming around in the watery depths of my brain and heart, immersed in psychic and spiritual feelings. In both dreams, I'm about to go under and right when I take in a deep breath it becomes more akin to hyperventilating and gulping for air, rather than preparation for floating.

These aren't quite anxiety dreams, which makes me feel hopeful. I don't ever leave the water. I just experience a significant moment of hesitation and questioning my own confidence and decision. In both dreams, I awoke in the midst of my internal debate. But the water feels good, always the perfect temperature and I feel comfortable being surrounded by it. I don't feel physically threatened or panicky, only momentarily doubtful, a tiny bit freaked out in the midst of excitement too. I wake up neither fearful or energized.

Big stuff is going on, internally and extrenally. It makes sense to panic sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm headed in the wrong direction. In fact, it probably means I'm doing something right if it induces a little bit of fear. Good change can be scary change.