You want to rectify this mad look in my eyes

[raybear]

I heard you twice the first time, subconscious.

The night before, I dreamt of being in the ocean, up to my chest and before swimming and submerging myself, I panicked about not seeing all the oceanic life swimming around my legs. Last night, I dreamt that Damon and I were "trying out" for some sort of swim team -- or it's more like we had to prove we could swim in order to gain membership to a public pool. So we were in giant pool with tons of other guys (it was an all-male tryout) and I was in the pool with swim trunk and no top and I was a little concerned that someone would say something about my chest, but then figured no one would notice. Right before time came to start swimmming, I started to panic again, thinking I should just get out of the water and not risk being ridiculed or being unable to pass the test.

Being submerged in water has obvious meaning when it comes to deep subconscious experiences, swimming around in the watery depths of my brain and heart, immersed in psychic and spiritual feelings. In both dreams, I'm about to go under and right when I take in a deep breath it becomes more akin to hyperventilating and gulping for air, rather than preparation for floating.

These aren't quite anxiety dreams, which makes me feel hopeful. I don't ever leave the water. I just experience a significant moment of hesitation and questioning my own confidence and decision. In both dreams, I awoke in the midst of my internal debate. But the water feels good, always the perfect temperature and I feel comfortable being surrounded by it. I don't feel physically threatened or panicky, only momentarily doubtful, a tiny bit freaked out in the midst of excitement too. I wake up neither fearful or energized.

Big stuff is going on, internally and extrenally. It makes sense to panic sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm headed in the wrong direction. In fact, it probably means I'm doing something right if it induces a little bit of fear. Good change can be scary change.

Comments

Re: More water dreams

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Whoa!

You should look up dolphin as an animal sign -- it's an interesting power sign, if I recall.

When you describe the dream apartment, for some reason I'm picturing my home like a Sims house, where the only kitchen table is outside and there's an Hibachi grill in the living room.

The whole dying thing of cancer is....possibly prophetic, though not in a literal sense. As far as I know I'm not dying of cancer.

Re: More water dreams

[limenal.livejournal.com]

That's funny about the Sims-style apt - the grill was like a restaurant grill, you know, just a big flat cooking surface - basically, it was a commercial kitchen. It was a big, airy vintage kinda place with a shitty white paint job that suited it well and looked sort of serene in the light (it was overcast and there were tons of windows). It had lots of rooms, like a house, including a mud room type of place and a big pantry. I think it was in Ravenswood.

When I woke up, I was really scared and sad about you dying. Now, thinking about it, it seems less prophetic and more about the way our relationship has gradually changed to make room for new close companion type people in our lives. In more paranoid moments, it feels to me like I'm losing you, and I think that's what the dream was about.

Re: More water dreams

[raybear.livejournal.com]

It might be picking up psychic stuff too. I wanted to call you last night, but didn't have your work number and I knew your cell phone was MIA. So I was calling you on the phone in my mind. It works slightly better than two cans and some string, but not by much.

Also, guess which Simpsons was on at 6 yesterday? "Dear log, I am me again!" I've seen it fifty times, but I always watch it again.