Heaven smiles above me, what a gift there below

[raybear]

I've cried a lot in the past week. Wait, let me back up a bit.

While on the topic of things changing in me since starting hormones, I also include my definition of "crying". As someone who constantly cracks jokes and can often be a negative bastard, and has been this way since, oh, the age of 13, I'm quite a bawler. I would constantly cry at the drop of a hat -- not often while sad, mostly while frustrated or angry or embarassed or ashamed or when I made some sort of mistake.

Since changing my primary hormone influence to testosterone, it's physically more difficult for me to cry. I still get embarassed and flushed and feel the blood race to my head during these same moments of anger or shame, but rarely to tears come along. I mean, I still cry and get upset, I don't want to make it sound like I never have tears fall from my eyes, cause that's just not true. But more often than not, my crying takes a different form. Sometimes when exhausted and frustrated, I will sob, but again no tears fall. That's almost just about a physical release, a shaking and holding of my head for a brief second in the shower or sitting on the toilet. Sometimes I just feel a swelling in my throat and the eyes barely get misty, but I still call that crying. This is often what happens when I'm moved and possibly being a sentimental sap. And this is often what happened in the past several days.

Today it happened twice.

Once while listening to the Everything but the Girl song "Cross My Heart". While I certainly am in love with their more recent forays into electronica pop, I also am one of the few who hold a torch for their much older 80's pop where Tracey sings with a thick accent and slightly below her range and their songs drip with remarkable earnestness. This is one of those songs. But it gets me almost every time. Last night I burned a mix CD called "Tub Time" which I actually listened to while showering instead of taking a bath, so today I'm listening to it at my desk and wondering why I chose that song but not criticizing the decision. Then I listen to the lyrics and think, oh that's why.

Second, I got teary when I listened to nuala76's audblog. It was simple and beautiful and maybe touched me more because I too am having a long day and wish I could slide all the way into the bath and I love hearing her voice because I already love her words. But also I was moved yesterday and the day before listening to lots of other people's audblogs, even those people who's voices I've heard in real life or on the phone. There's something so strangely intimate about the experience, almost like when I listen to certains songs on my headphones and it seems as if the singer is on the train seat next to me, whispering in my ear. That's really why I love Aimee Mann so much because when I hear "You're With Stupid Now" on headphones it's like a lover singing into the pillow and my ear.

I'm not sure why I'm surprised at how much I'm loving audblog...I place enormously high value on sounds and music and words and my hearing.

Comments

[saltjam.livejournal.com]

I hear you on the crying thing. I cry WAY WAY less than I ever did before testosterone. And yeah, before, I usually cried in moments of frustration or anger. I always hesitate to say the crying less thing since t to people though because they look at you like your an asshole and are like "yeah sure whatever". But it's true. I however am the opposite of you. I cry with lots and lots of streaming tears but no sound or facial contortions or anything. It's really eery and disturbing. Although my last girlfriend said she found it beautiful.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Actually, now that I think about it, when tears do actually come out, I can be fairly quiet and blank-faced when it's happening. When I sob out of frustration, there are no tears at all.

I remember you telling me before I started t about the crying thing, and I think part of me was sort of like "sure whatever, it's really just cultural conditioning", but then I started T and sure enough, it was harder for me to cry. I had to rethink some of that biology argument.

[saltjam.livejournal.com]

(yeah, i'm still way back here on this post but whatever.... )
i have a really hard time trying to differentiate biology vs conditioning vs just psychologically and emotionally feeling better than i have in the past. i actually force myself to *not* think about it sometimes because it seems almost like too much for your brain to handle. i certainly think the emotional changes with t are too much to think about. the crying is sort of an obvious one but the deeper more obscure emotional changes are really kind of eery and strange to contemplate. and then there's how differently people treat you as a guy than as a girl etc. or for me as a man of color vs a woman of color . it can make you crazy if you really try to analyze it... it can sort of make you not trust anyone (like would they have liked me BEFORE???). biology actually kind of freaks me out in general. i feel much more comfortable with social arguments mostly because i was sort of skooled to look at things that way. and maybe because i'm adopted and tend not to really understand biology all that well anyway. like when i see families of people that look alike. even that freaks me out a bit.

[pomegranatekiss.livejournal.com]

Oh! This mutual admiration society is self-perpetuating.

I was so in love with yours and grocerygetter's audblog posts, I had to join in, too. You sound exactly the way I imagined you, warm and sexy and open. Anything that gets me closer to 'knowing' people I look at with awe and appreciation is something I want to be a part of...

Tears have been hovering for me lately, too. I thought it was maybe just something in the air.