insomnia

[raybear]

Can't sleep, can't get settled, will go for a walk, will have a cigarette no matter how opposite that is because the nicotine will probably only make it worse. Can't go home to torture myself in my own bed because clothes are in the dryer though I suppose I could just go home with them wet in a bag and hang them up on fans in my own house. But I go for a walk instead, not fully dressed, not prepared to interact with people but it's 1 am so that shouldn't be an issue except it was. I got a block away when I hear a swoosh sound behind me so I turn and it's a person walking, five house back, they seem to have come from nowhere on this quiet residential sleepy street. I tense up completely, not wanting to panic but i don't often get nervous feelings so I don't want to ignore it either. I see a familiar car and I don't have keys to it, but I decide to walk towards it anyway, fumble with my keys until he walks past then I'll just turn around and berate myself for stupid paranoia. But I don't get that far. I step off the sidewalk and he starts talking to me. He's quiet, but I hear something about cigarettes. No, sorry. I don't. He doesn't believe me and gets closer. I say, no really, I don't, it's my only one, which isn't a lie though I 'm secretly glad because if I had a pack I would maybe give him one and that would put him at arm's length and why do I even care? He's shorter than me and I could maybe take him except if he had some weapon of some sort but why do I think he will? For some reason being alone on these residential streets seems more suspicios than in a busy intersection but then again, why am I out here? I cross the street, heading in the same direction, then approach a strange van and fumble with keys, mostly just to catch my breath and watch him walk away. But he's spotted me, turns and starts to cross the street towards me. I turn and walk away quickly, resisting the urge to run. A car is up ahead. I decide to just walk down the middle of the street in the path of their headlights. They go slow, possilby waiting to see if I'm leaving so they can take my parking spot. They go by. I turn and see no one on the sidewalks but it's dark and there are trees and shadows so I wonder and keep walking and at the end of the block I think about how completely overreacting I am but I'm tired while unable to sleep and not focusing and self-conscios because I'm not binding and don't want to risk an interaction. I'm more scared of being ridiculed for my chest than having the last ten dollars taken from my wallet.

So I come back more jittery and awake than when I left to I'll write and write until I sleep. When the computer is off I'll pick up a pen and keep going until my head is down on the paper and I'm drooling into a pool of ink on the notebook and tomorrow I won't be able to read the words and I'll curse every second that I'm awake and wish that I had a life where it didn't matter that I couldn't sleep because I can do whatever I wanted when I wanted without time or schedule.

Comments

Up All Night like USA Network

[thebrownhornet.livejournal.com]

I totally just got online because of insomnia too, though I probably would be outside in the warm air right now if there were local bodegas open, but it's too residential of an area. Maybe that's best.

I've had this strange anxiety in bed over the past couple of nights, a vague preminition of danger, though I have no idea what I'm fearing. I have had a lot more nervous energy lately, which I've distributed into social, sexual and exercise releases, so perhaps right now that energy is cresting before a calming, soothing crash. I hope you find your relief soon, too.

Can't sleep, monsters will eat me.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

I think I finally maybe fell asleep around 2:30-3...and the alarm went off at 7 am. I woke up angry, which is not really how I want to wake up. Later I was just crying in the bathroom about how out of sync my body felt. Like I was exhausted but didn't feel sleepy, didn't want to go to work, but the idea of being in my house all day was frustrating. I ended up calling in sick anyway. I stumbled home in a haze (if one can stumble in a car without getting into an accident, which I didn't), and now I'm online -- wtf? But like I said, still not feel sleepy, just foggy and listening to the new Cat Power which makes me feel high.

Somehow I think when I get offline and lay down on the couch I'll pass out for four hours or until Sophie starts licking my face. I'll holler at you later this afternoon to get the update on the rest of your weekend.

Why won't you par-ti-ci-pate?

[thebrownhornet.livejournal.com]

Hats off to you, Mr. 'iggins, for taking the day off. I was up from 1 until about 3:30, but I did have an insightful conversation with myself for the last half hour... or at least it felt that way at the time. This morning I really wanted to go for a run to get some nervousness out, but I always feel worn out when I have serious insomnia. I deserved a break today. And a McGriddle.

I'll be heading to the library later this morning, but I'll be around this afternoon. I highly recommend that you keep MTV2 on - you HAVE to see the Junior Senior video if you haven't already. Or I can just let you borrow the CD. Whateve.

paranoia

[lemon-cucumber.livejournal.com]

I hate it when I feel paranoid about getting mugged/whatever.. I hate that delicate balance of not letting a percieved threat know you are afraid, because they "prey on fear", or more realistically, I look like a paranoid freak. I also have a safety checklist, including the fake car unlocking and walking in headlights. Unfortunately, the one time I decided to not act on my instincts was the one time I got mugged- I thought that this guy was checking me out, he crossed the street to my side, then ran up behind me. The entire time I was thinking "I should not act like I'm afraid/it's racist because he is a person of color..." But now I never never let anyone walk closer than a block behind me, even if I look like a paranoid freak. I cross the street. BTW, I added you as a friend..